How should gay relationships be constructed?

When a guy starts a gay relationship with another guy, most of us construct the relationship using the only model that we're familiar with, namely the heterosexual one that our parents used. This has very ancient roots which are certainly evident in the old testament of The Bible where the ten commandments preach "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife". I have a big problem using these rules as the foundation for a gay relationship so I've decided to devise a new scheme.

For one thing, as is evident from the bible, the heterosexual scheme is so negative because it's all about what one mustn't do! But my scheme is oriented towards the positive and good things that one should do instead :-). Using old testament language, I reckon the following criteria outline a much better way of building a relationship:

• Thou shalt love thy boyfriend
• Thy relationship with thy boyfriend shalt take priority over other friendships
• Thou shalt strive to be thy boyfriend's best friend
• Thou shalt support thy boyfriend through times of hardship
• Thou shalt take care of thy boyfriend when he is ill

I don't think my scheme is complete yet, but building gay relationships around love, companionship and mutual support seems to me like the way forward. After all, I think that's what gay relationships are for. The old heterosexual scheme might be good for raising children, especially in ancient times which were less civilised than our societies today, but relationships between two gay men are fundamentally different.

Often, when young guys are thinking about going into a relationship, they focus on whether they're ready for monogamy. But as I discussed above, thinking "Am I ready to give up shagging around so that I can be this guy's boyfriend?" is quite a negative way to start a relationship. The idea is that if one loves someone enough then one will be prepared to deny oneself something that one enjoys. I say focus directly on the love instead. Start by thinking "Am I really ready to love and care for this guy?" along the lines of the relationship criteria listed above. "Would I be prepared to help him if he has a bad accident and brakes both his legs, or if he loses his job and becomes depressed?"

Sex is great fun, and sex with someone new can be hard to resist. One reader described it to me in an email recently by saying that there's an "undeniable dynamic of sex with strangers". Some guys may still want monogamous relationships, which is fair enough, but I think that the important thing is that gay couples fulfil criteria like the ones that I've listed above. I reckon it's true that men are naturally promiscuous, so when two men are involved in a relationship the monogamous heterosexual model isn't appropriate. That doesn't mean that guys in a relationship don't have to be faithful to each other, because I think they do. But they need to be faithful to the agreed relationship criteria, not to the inappropriate heterosexual monogamy straight-jacket. None the less, even if a gay couple do allow each other activities with other guys, they should always put their own relationship at the top of their priorities. That's one of the implications of the second criterion that I listed above.

In the end, a lot of gay couples end up working out for themselves that monogamy doesn't matter so much. When a couple of guys are theoretically in a monogamous relationship and one of them admits that they've had sex with someone else, it's the love and companionship that can hold them together. This is exactly what the guy who recently sent me a 'Dear GB' email implied when he said "I always said the first time [my boyfriend slept with another guy] would be the last but then I wasn't thinking of love, and I do love him, very much". None the less, thinking "I forgive him for sleeping around because I love him" is misdirected thinking. A much better thing to do is to measure a relationship against relevant criteria. As long as there's love, companionship and mutual support then the relationship is healthy :-), although if some of those are missing a guy might realise that his boyfriend doesn't reciprocate his love after all!

Update 30-Nov-2008: More on how gay relationships should be constructed