Our distraught Mexican friend

One of the nice things about my recent business trip to New York was that boyfriend P introduced me to some of his friends who live there, and whom I hadn't met before. In particular, he introduced me to a young Mexican friend of his called N, who had recently discovered that her husband wants a divorce. We met up with her early one evening in a quiet bar in downtown Manhattan, and immediately she starts talking about her problems.

"We're both in our mid 20's GB," N explains to me. "We fell in love quickly so it was only a year after we first met that we got married. That was two years ago now. When he told me recently that he wanted a divorce it was like such a COMPLETE shock because everything had been perfect. I really LOVE him so much GB and I've got no idea what to do about it. I want him back so BADLY, I miss his touch, his smell, his body ..."

Looking at this beautiful eloquent young woman, I find it hard to believe that any sane straight guy would ever contemplate leaving her.

"I've totally been the perfect wife to him GB, I really have, and he used to say so too, like he used tell me that he'd never NEVER leave me. What on earth went wrong GB? Yesterday I was looking at all the nice things that he'd written to me in the past, and now he's saying the exact opposite. I just don't understand."

As I listen to the poor woman, I slowly realise that I've never met anyone who's been jilted so badly. Her extreme anguish is clearly completely genuine.

"So did he just suddenly ask for a divorce out of the blue?" I ask, feeling slightly confused.

"Everything had been completely perfect, it really had, but we started arguing a bit about 6 weeks ago."

"Yes," confirms boyfriend P, "we all thought that they were the perfect couple, so this has been a big shock for all of us."

"He suddenly started saying how he needed his own space. But originally he always wanted us to totally do everything together. When we first started arguing I suggested counselling but he rejected the idea, although now that he's decided that he wants a divorce he has agreed to go to counselling sessions with me."

"Have you got any advice for N?" asks boyfriend P, no doubt thinking that I've got a small amount of experience with relationship issues through my Dear GB postings.

"I'm not sure," I answer slowly, shaking my head, "but I'll give it some thought. I'm trying to imagine what's going through his mind that would make him act this way. Do you think there's another woman?"

"I did ask, and he says no," replies N assertively, "and in fact I do believe him. I'm sure he'd have said if there was, and anyway I'd just know."

A couple of days later we meet up with N again and we naturally continue talking about her relationship crisis. Having thought about her situation now, I've got a couple of questions for her.

"The two of you did get married quite young," I say, "so I've been wondering whether he's got any young free and single male friends that he might be jealous of? Perhaps he feels that he's missing out on his youth?"

"He doesn't have any friends like that," replies N, "but there are some 'friends' of his who are haters :-(. I know that they've been reinforcing any negative thoughts that he's been having about his marriage, because like one of the first things that he told me was that he'd been discussing everything with them. None of them are married, and they don't have any meaningful lives themselves so they've been jealous of us. This is their chance to wreck our marriage. Oh GB, it's so TOTALLY UNFAIR!"

None of her agony seems to have dissipated since we last saw her.

"Well, N," I say thoughtfully, "I think the only thing you can do is to listen to what he's been saying and give him his own space for a while. How often do you talk to him at the moment?"

"I still phone him, and although I try to talk to him in a matter-of fact way, I usually end up telling him how much I LOVE him, and that I TOTALLY miss him, I just can't help it."

"Hmmm, I don't think that's good at all. Given that he's told you that he needs his own space at the moment, every time you say those things I think you're driving him further and further away from you. He's feeling suffocated by your love for him. Do you think you could avoid having any contact at all with him for a few weeks?"

N thinks about this and nods her head.

"Unless he changes his mind," she says slowly, "I guess I've got to get used to not having him in my life anyway :-(. I do see what you mean GB."

"Good. It may well turn out that even with some space he'll still end up wanting a divorce, but from what I've heard I reckon that your marriage is certainly doomed if you don't leave him alone for a while. You need to give him time to realise what he'll be throwing away, without any pressure from your side."

I don't know if she'll actually be able to manage to avoid contact with him though. They've had a couple of counselling sessions together, so I've told her that she should postpone the remaining ones, but I'm not sure whether she's going to do that. In her distraught state, although she's able to reason logically that she shouldn't tell him how much she loves him at the moment, and that it's a good idea to avoid all contact, in practice she always seems to fall back on her emotions when faced with any real situation which involves her husband.

Do any readers have any other ideas on her situation? And if the worst comes to the worst and she ends up getting divorced, does anyone have any thoughts on the best way for her to put her life back together again?