Email from a gay guy about being Out in the workplace

Just after Christmas, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I am an avid reader of your blog, and I have a question for you.

What are your thoughts about being out in the workplace? In particular, for investment banking/trading/private equity/hedgies type? I am late 20s, in the private equity industry in North America, and find that it have been pretty difficult in connecting with others at the firm (because I decline to talk about my personal life..)

I would be very grateful if you could talk a bit more about your strategy in your blog. thanks a bunch!

I've written quite a lot about this topic in previous postings, but I know that it's an important subject for many readers so I think it's good to discuss it occasionally. Back in 2007 I answered a 'Dear GB' email from a guy who was starting his banking career, and last year I did a posting about a conversation that I had with a junior gay sales guy who works for the same bank as me. On a related subject, back in 2007 I also did a posting about conversational evasion techniques.

Indeed, when I started my career I was evasive when talking about my personal life with colleagues, no doubt in much the same way that the reader who sent me this email currently is. However I don't think that's necessary any more, after all, all the major banks with investment banking divisions have internal networks for their gay staff. These days I don't hide my sexuality at work but I don't broadcast it either, so I still use the word 'partner' rather than 'boyfriend'. As a result a lot of colleagues including my boss know that I'm gay, and it's no big deal as long as I'm good at my job.

The reader makes a good point, namely that if one is constantly being evasive, it's hard to connect with one's colleagues. But connecting with one's colleagues is very valuable, because that helps teamwork and hence helps one succeed. Hiding one's sexuality is also a drain on one's productivity, because it's something that's always at the back of one's mind so one can't relax. However, as I said in the posting about the conversation that I had with a junior gay sales guy, one needs to be confident about one's sexuality to be out in a banking environment. It's just like being in a school playground where bullies enjoy picking on the weak! So as I said in my post about the confidence mirror, if one is fully confident about one's sexuality one should always get the right reaction if one handles it in the right way. One must act as though being gay is the most natural thing in the world, which of course it is for gay people!

So how should the reader begin the process of being more open with his colleagues? I don't think it's a good idea to suddenly announce one's sexuality. That's a very self-centered thing to do, because it implies that other people are interested in the news. Instead one should look for casual ways to slip the information into conversation. However, I'd recommend doing it on a one-to-one basis, because when it's one-to-many some people may react in particular ways because of the impression that they want to give to the other people present. I also think that telling people who like to gossip is a good thing in this context, because if one tells the right person then everyone else will end up knowing which helps get the job done!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?