Email about Asian-discrimination and penis size

A couple of month ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm young (in my 20s) and rather new to the gay scene. I've recently started going on gay hook-up sites like Manjam, Gay Romeo, Gaydar and Manhunt, and logged onto Grindr once or twice. What I've noticed is that many guys specifically state that they do not want to date or hook-up with Asian men. I wonder why this is. Is there some sort of ethnic hierarchy when it comes to desirability in the gay scene?

The first reason that came to mind is the stereotype that Asian men are less-endowed than men of other races. I don't place much trust on stereotypes, especially after having slept with a few black men who have come in all sizes from huge to small. It also got me thinking about the importance of penis size in the gay scene. How important is penis size? Is it more important than being fit or good-looking facial features? Why is it that penis size has any importance whatsoever (I've only been a top so I have no idea how penis size affects a bottom's pleasure during sex)? Is it solely psychological (for example, something akin Freud's idea of penis envy, except with average/less-endowed men replacing women)? I also found studies that showed that well-endowed men are more likely to be tops while their less-endowed counterparts are most likely to be bottoms. Even you mentioned a scenario in your blog where a guy was trying to ascertain your size by looking at your fingers; was that just a form of flirting or are there men actually checking for signs like that?

Part of me finds this all rather ridiculous, and another part is slightly insecure and wonders how this affects me or where it leaves me on the desirability scale; I'm an average-sized (6 inches) black guy. Mostly, I'm just curious.

Regards,

I think there's a rather disappointing answer to this reader's first question about profiles that state things like "No Asians". It's called racism :-(. Although it's not excusable, I think I can explain why young guys feel like that, because about 20 years ago before I met ex-boyfriend S I had similar feelings. I simply felt that I had nothing in common with Asian guys, and I felt that I needed to have a lot in common with guys that I was going to get intimate with. Although I've never had a profile which stated "No Asians", the truth was that when I first came out, I was only interested in Caucasians. However, the more I've matured and grown up, the more open I've become to sex and relationships with guys from all ethnic backgrounds. So although ex-boyfriend S is Caucasian like me, ex-boyfriend P is a Muslim, ex-boyfriend R is Hindu, and boyfriend T is Asian :-).

Taking a world view, I don't think there's a global ethnic hierarchy, because preferences vary from country to country. I can recall being in Tokyo, and finding a gay sauna which was Japanese only. However, if my own experience is anything to go by, perhaps young gay guys have a preference for guys from their own background. So within each country, maybe that does define a hierarchy? Although I hope that I'm fully cured of the racist preference that I felt when I was younger, I can't help being reminded of the song Everyone's a little bit racist from the musical Avenue Q!

Regarding penis size, there were a lot of comments about that on my recent posting titled Email from a gay guy who lives in India. Also, back in 2005 I did a posting about my own experiences of penis size, which suggest that East and South-East Asians guys are on average a bit smaller than Caucasians, South Asians (i.e. Indians and Pakistanis), Latinos and Black guys. However, I honestly don't think that's really got anything to do with people's preferences. I certainly had no idea about the average size of different ethnic groups when I was more inclined towards Caucasians. And for the record, I reckon that the guy who was trying to work out my size by looking at the size of my fingers was just flirting.

I've always thought that guys who focus on penis size are being very shallow, especially if they're looking for a life partner rather than just a brief encounter. What's more, there are some drawbacks to big penises because they can be painful to accommodate, and also the quality of their hardness when erect can be significantly lower. Given the choice, I'd much rather have a hard cock to play with than a big one :-).

In summary, I don't think that any gay guy needs to feel insecure about their cock size when they're looking for a boyfriend. Long term relationships are about much more than sex, but even in the bedroom, I'm convinced it's about 'what you do with it' rather than 'how big it is' :-). And in any case, if a guy really does focus on cock size then he's unlikely to make a good boyfriend, so he's not worth the effort!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?

Email from a gay guy who lives in India

A few weeks ago the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I love your blog, it is full of real stuff, which means you have a mind of your own and you do not fear of being honest. The very reason for writing to you. Now, about my letter.

Well, I maybe a type "Z"-personality among gays, since I am not gay material:

1. I do not have a long penis (excretory organ) or a stereotypical face or body type;
2. Moreover I am against gay stereotyping and male body stereotyping.

In short I am everything a gay man will want to hate. (Not to earn sympathy for hidden wants). I want to be honest with you, at least with you.

Well, I am searching for a gay partner after all these shortcomings, but I seem to stumble upon people who forget me after sex. I am 31 years old, Indian (Asian), been cruising from the time I was 24, have met 25 men out of which I had sex with 11 guys (very accurately).

Because most reject me.

One reason for all this rejection perhaps would be because:

1. I refused to become a bottom or a Top; or
2. because I am ugly, contrary to the gay image portrayed in media; or
3. I am seeking love before sex; or
4. the guys wanted big penis.

(I would be happy if I was born asexual, but I am not. I respect all gays and asexual and straights and Lesbians and Transgender as Humans.)

Whatever be, in the end I am sad. That is why I am writing this to you with a thumping heart.

What is my hope, if any? I am not putting you or any reader on the opponents chair because that is silly. But I am also not saying, I do not want sex nor am I saying do not expect love from my dates. But if you feel my letter is honest do tell your valuable opinions.

I want to know:

1. Why is gay media portraying a male body image which is only a few types (maybe 5 or six)?
2. Why the penis is the favourite organ (it is an excretory organ)?
3. Why gay monogamy is shunned by media?
4. Why the West thinks that gay men in India are rejected by straights (which is not true at all) and gay Indians do not have any other problems other than being gays?

(I do not go after big penis, I do not like to hold the penis of all men I meet in my hand, because I do not have a similar penis and it is an excretory organ and it is not for love, if it was my lover it would be different, coz I may love him and in love I like to give everything 4 love.)

But I am not silly enough to ask you to answer all of these questions because you are "never" answerable and you are as much a victim of all these stereotypes in one way or the other and so are all gays in general. I fear honestly, we are victims of some oldish withered male body image, which is crippling our chances of love and bonding sans body differences and racial and mental variance.

I feel you are a powerful person who can bring about changes in "our" sensitive world. Sorry for this bother, but I feel it is time for me to speak to powerful gay individuals who believe life is hopeful and worthful.

Thank you for being patient and kind to read. I have hope in you and all gays. Regards and love.

The good thing about this reader is that he doesn't seem to have any problem accepting the fact that he's gay. A lot of the emails that I've received recently have been from young guys who're still in the early stages of working out that they're gay, but this reader has clearly progressed a long way beyond that :-). However, he does seem to have a lot of complaints about gay life!

Although it may be slightly unfair, some aspects of the reader's email remind me of the recent South Park episode, in which a large majority of men across America all get angry and disruptive just because they think their penis length is below average! The situation is only resolved when the US government officially defines the average penis size as 1.5 inches (3.8 cm), so that all men can then think of themselves as above average LOL! Is this reader just complaining because he thinks that he's below average?

It's a fact that far more guys are straight than gay. This means that if one wants to try and define an "average sexuality", then the answer would be "straight". If one then wants to define "above average", then because of the way that we're brought up we'd probably think that it's the successful so called alpha males who've got the "above average" sexuality. Unfortunately, that kind of implies that the gay sexuality is "below average" :-(. Maybe this analysis helps explain why some guys still have a problem accepting that they're gay, even though the Western world generally accepts that gay people are part of society these days.

Of course, all these ideas about above and below average penis sizes, and by extension above and below average sexualities, are ridiculous! When guys finally accept that they're gay, then they've managed to see through that kind of nonsense and come to terms with their situation. Acceptance of these kinds of facts is an important part of one's personal development, whether it relates to one's ability at sport, one's sexuality, one's appearance, one's penis size, or whatever. Once facts that one has no control over are accepted then people can move on. However, a failure to accept these kinds of things means that they're carried around in one's mind as a burden. This has a strong connection with my idea about the confidence mirror, where other people's attitudes to things that relate to a particular individual can often simply just be a reflection of that individual's own feelings. The way forward is to avoid such traps by accepting things the way they are.

Thinking about the reader's email in this way, I can't help wondering how many of the problems that he's experienced relate to his own attitude. It's true that some gay guys are shallow and focus on things like penis size, but in my experience most guys don't focus on that type of thing.

In summary, my advice to the reader is to try and accept things the way they are, and adopt a more positive and constructive attitude to boyfriend hunting. In a dating situation, confidence is probably the most important quality, so he should do everything he can to discard all his mental baggage and build his confidence.

Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy who's having lots of sex

Last July, a new reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

The reason I'm emailing you is I stumbled across your blog after googling 'first gay dating advice'. I could have emailed other people, but I suppose I chose you because I work in the finance (well, professional services) industry and so I suppose we had that small, albeit very superficial link.

About myself - I'm on the grad scheme of one of the major firms in the City. I'm in my early 20's and only started coming out just a few months ago. Only one of my close friends knows. Since then I've made some gay friends and have been out on the scene. I will probably come out to more people soon, I really just want to time it right. Otherwise I'm comfortable with myself.

Anyway, the reason why I emailed is because, well, I met this guy. He's great. Our first 'date' started off casually. Just drinks, which morphed into dinner, then more drinks, then a cozy booth in a dimly lit bar/cafe in Soho until the early hours of the morning.

On paper it sounds good. But this is where I begin to feel - anxious? Tense?? Self-conscious??? I haven't had much experience with other guys. Yet this guy I met is about ten years older than me, and my lack of experience suddenly makes me feel very self-conscious.

Also, I like him a lot, but I don't want to sleep with him. Not yet. I like him, he's a great kisser, we get along great, but I don't feel like I want to throw him up against a wall and have raw hot sex with them.

What I want to ask is - has this happened to you? Is it common? To meet a guy, like them a lot, but NOT want to sleep with them, at least not straight away?

Thanks - I LOVE your blog. I've been trawling through the archives for a couple hours now.

In case anyone is wondering, that wasn't the email which inspired the title of this post, so read on! At the time that I received the email, I didn't have time to do full "Dear GB" posting, so I ended up answering the email in private. I told him that I thought his reticence was probably just related to his lack of experience. I suggested that he simply come clean about the situation with the guy in question, because telling the guy that he doesn't have much experience would take the pressure off. After all, everyone has to have their first time, and everyone who's had their first time knows how daunting it can be! In response to my advice, the reader sent me an email to thank me for my speedy reply :-).

However, about a month later, he sent me another email as follows:

Dear GB,

I just had a little question, a general musing if you will.

I only came out a few months ago and I've made a few gay friends actually and they are pretty good people! To be honest they are the kind of people I would have been friends with anyway, so it's quite good really.

Anyway, I noticed before I came out, or even thought about going to gay clubs or bars, I always had a 'type' in my head that I was attracted to. Not a very specific physical type, but a type nonetheless.

What I've noticed though, is that when I go out and end up meeting new people, I end up getting with them. Is this normal? Do you end up getting with most of the people you meet? Is it just a way of being friendly?

I'm pretty sure it isn't some kind of subconscious desire to just find any guy and settle down.. when I get drunk I never think like that, and I don't pull anyone, I have been attracted to the guys I've got with, but if I hadn't talked with them and gotten to know them, the thought of pulling them wouldn't have even crossed my mind!

So my question is - is it quite normal to get with guys you've only recently met, once you get to know them?

I realise my question is probably quite bizarre...

I found myself wondering, what on earth happened to this guy in between the first email and the second email :-)? On the face of it, it scarcely seems possible for a guy who seemed so shy to suddenly be sleeping with every nice that guy he meets!

However, much the same thing happened to me. I came out quite late, and was certainly a bit shy at first, but once I'd worked out how to meet guys and get them into bed there was no stopping me! I reckon that one of the good things about being gay is that one can have lots and lots of guilt free sex :-). Although straight guys are just has horny, my straight friends tell me it's usually much harder to find like-thinking women.

In the past, I've heard guys talk about sex in the early stages of friendships between gay men as "getting it out of the way". I think the idea is that it can help the two guys understand each other better, and also help them work out whether there's any potential for a relationship. I've certainly built some very good friendships with guys who I went to bed just after I got to know them. In most cases, we only went to bed once, and the friendship developed after that :-).

I've said before that I think that sleeping with lots of guys is a good way of looking for a boyfriend. It's not clear whether this reader is looking for a boyfriend or not, because he seems quite happy making lots of friends with benefits :-). But at some point he probably will want to try and find himself a nice boyfriend. Before he gets to that stage, he should be careful in case any of his new friends become keen on him for a potential relationship, because it's a good idea to avoid hurting people's feelings. Similarly the other way round, because if he's attracted to any of the guys that he sleeps with, they may well not want anything apart form no-strings fun so more than that might not be possible.

The reader asked whether his behaviour is 'normal' or not. Which kind of means that he's effectively asking whether my behaviour is 'normal'! Whatever the answer to that question is, I think that the reader is in good company :-).

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy in love with a childhood friend

A couple of months ago, I received the following email from a loyal reader:



Dear GB,



I've been following your blog since the very start.



Now I decided to write to you because I've been so much appreciative of your wise replies.



I'm a European man, aged 30. I've known a guy since we both were 11.



He is gay but, at the time, neither of us knew it. We absolutely adored one another (and still do) so we were acting like boyfriends, although, of course, no sex was involved.



Subsequently he fell in love with someone else, and then, when he was 21, he moved to another city, where he found another partner with whom he now lives.



Still, we kept being friends, and I mean really close, really intimate friends, getting constantly in touch with each other through the Internet and in real life.



Nothing sexual ever happened between us since he is in a faithful relationship, but I know he likes me and it's not something just physical.



I think we both know we are, like, soul partners, but we now live so far away (500 miles) and moreover, like I said, he's got a b/f.



I just can't let it go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.



Do you think that maybe one day we could end up together?



Having read this email, my initial thoughts were that the reader was wasting his life by pinning all his hopes for happiness on becoming boyfriends with his old childhood friend, which wasn't very likely. So I sent him an email, in which I suggested that his best course of action might involve finding himself his own boyfriend. Within a couple of says he'd sent me the following reply:



Hi GB,



I did find my own b/f throughout these years. I had a several year relationship which ended some years ago. I did love my b/f, at the time. But, as you can see, this occurrence did not tarnish my feelings for my friend; as soon as I was single again and the sadness for the ended relationship passed, I kept dreaming of him.



I don't rule out finding someone else - again. It's just that I still hope that something happens, one day, with my friend of a lifetime. It's my little, innocent dream. Something sexual? I wouldn't say no. A relationship? Yeah, I'd definitely give it a try. Even if it doesn't work, I know we'll always be in each other's lives.



My question to you was: do you think this may happen? After all, he finds me very attractive. :)



Thanks, GB. I'll be waiting for your reply ;)



At the time, there were a few other "Dear GB" emails to be posted before this reader's email, so I wasn't able to didn't get round to answering his queries immediately. A few weeks went by, and then I received another email from him which was as follows:



A quick update for you, G.B. - I really hope I'm not bothering too much.



My childhood friend, and his b/f almost split up a week ago. He didn't tell me anything but I got to know the news reading his blog (he doesn't know that I found it out!)



At that point, I noticed he started to share suggestive jokes with me and I'm sure he was about to move our friendship to another level; but, very soon after, they reconciled and he went back to his former friendly behaviour.



It wasn't much of a change but, you know, the timing with his private happenings was just perfect. So now I know, almost for sure, I must be his second choice. Wow!



Thanks for reading



xxx



In my reply, I warned him to be careful, because it's very hard for people in his position to be objective. In that kind of situation, whatever the news, people will often find a way of interpreting it so that they hear what they want to hear.



Thinking about his situation a bit more, I'm quite worried that the reader appears to be stalking his friend. The fact that he's worked out that his friend has a blog and is reading it behind his friend's back is strong evidence of this. With that state of mine, I feel that nothing good can come out of this state of affairs. So I think the first thing that the reader should do is to find a way of telling his friend that he knows about his blog. Close friends shouldn't keep those sorts of secrets from each other, and that's even truer of two boyfriends.



I also think the reader has made some dangerous assumptions about his friendship with this old friend. In particular, it's dangerous to assume that they would remain friends if they tried a relationship and it failed. When he reads that, no doubt the reader will say to himself that such a thing couldn't happen, because he wouldn't let the relationship fail and even if it did they couldn't possibly lose their friendship. But his love for his friend means that he can't be objective. Those things certainly are possible.



Even if his old friend does split up with his boyfriend again, it might be better to remain close friends instead of becoming boyfriends. Emotionally, the reader's life would be much richer if he has both this old friend of his to rely on as well as his own boyfriend to love. Pursuing a relationship with his old friend is dangerous in the sense that he's "putting all his eggs in one basket".



The reader needs to be careful in other ways too. He should certainly avoid being the cause of his a split between his friend and his friend's boyfriend, because if his friend then got back together with his boyfriend it might sour his old friendship. Something else which might cause their friendship to sour is if the friend discovers the reader's current obsession for him, and the fact that the reader has been reading his friend's blog.



Overall, it seems to me that the reader's current fixation on his friend is very unhealthy and could get worse. I think it makes a relationship between the two of them much more likely to fail, if it ever becomes possible. So I'm convinced that the reader's best course of action is to find a way of curing his obsession, so that he can get on with own life and try and find his own boyfriend. Telling his friend that he's found his blog would be a good start. Then if the reader is following his own path and his friend does become available for a relationship, the reader will be in a much better position to make it work if he chooses to go down that route. But it seems to me that ending this obsession and focusing on other guys is the thing to start doing right now.



Do any other readers have any thoughts about this situation?

Email from a guy who's keen on his best friend

A few weeks ago, I got the following email from a new reader:



Dear GB,



I'm newly acquainted to your blog, but from what I've seen so far, your guidance and solutions are marvellous. That is why I'm seeking your help. You see, I have a typical story. I'm in love with my best friend. I'm 18, short, and a bit shy and feeble. He sees me more of a playful little brother. He's smart, sweet, clever, a bit devious, and caring, even to a point where he deals with my annoying antics. My friend has a girlfriend, and not to be rude, but she is completely wrong for him. First off she lied to him in the start for impersonating a guy. Then my friend worries about her to death. From drugs and alcohol to being jealous of her friends, and because of the distance he feels so helpless. The problems are all in his head, plus he's obsessed with her and can go on for hours in detail about her. I'm glad he can show such passion for this but how can I convince him that she's no good and that he'd be better off with me?



Sincerely, a smitten friend from afar.



When I first read the email, the reader's situation seemed quite clear, because it reminded me of the way I felt about some of my best male friends when I was his age. So it was clear to me that he was a young gay guy who had a crush on one of his straight friends. That's never a good idea, because those situations usually end badly, often with a loss of friendship.



However, the reader clearly wasn't thinking along those lines. To help him come to terms with the situation, I sent him an email in which I suggested that the title of this post should be "Email from a guy with a crush on his best friend". Within a couple of days he replied, saying that he wasn't sure yet what an appropriate title would be. The good thing about that comment is that he'd clearly started thinking about whether he did have a crush on his friend or not. I responded by saying that although I'd use the word "keen" rather than "crush", the original title might be closer to the truth. I went on to suggest that he should start thinking about how to find himself a nice boyfriend, in case the situation with his friend didn't work out.



The description that the reader gives of his friend, and especially the fact that his friend worries about his girlfriend, strongly suggests to me that his friend is straight. So the honest truth is that I see little hope that the reader and his friend might become boyfriends. However, although the reader doesn't mention it, my best guess is that the reader hasn't come out to his best friend yet. If the reader feels comfortable with his sexuality, then I think he should come out to his friend. The way the friend reacts should then guide the reader in terms of whether his friend really is straight or not. Then even if the friend is straight, with everything out in the open, it seems likely that at least the two of them will remain friends.



Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a gay guy with a 'Type A' personality

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB

I'm 21 years old and I'm gay. I have been out of the closet for almost 3 years now. I'm a full time student in London, but also need to work full time as I have a small but time consuming PR company. I'm a classic type A personality and am 95% extremely satisfied with my life to now.

But I could really do with your advice about sex and sentimentality.

I've tried relationships a few times in the past but they're not for me - they consume too much time and energy and generally I end up resenting and disliking the person I'm dating very quickly.

Cruising, one night stands and plain old sex is way easier and much less complicated. So over the last 3 or so years that's what I've done - and I've tallied up an impressive count of notches on my bed post in doing so.

Up until recently I never minded this - I always maintained that I was simply liberated and could do what I pleased with whom I pleased. However over the last 4 months or so I have started to have severe doubts and insecurities about my sex life.

In some of your earlier posts you talk about hugging and comforting complete strangers with whom you've had sex - the story about the guy whose boyfriend left him to live with the lesbian mother of his child comes to mind. To a lot of people this would seem normal, kind and compassionate. To me it's alien and disconcerting. I don't even like to make eye contact with the person I'm having sex with - it seems way too intimate to me. I can't bear the thought of actually hugging them.

I've been able to have great interactions with people based on sex. Equally I've been able to have great interactions with people based on my sentiment towards them. But I've never experienced them both within the same relationship.

I'm worried that I seem so incapable of forging any connection with a potential suitor other than sexually. Whilst I'm content to sleep around at 21 I doubt I'll be happy to try and do so at 51.

I don't think I'm emotionally closed off or anything - I make new friends very easily and have a very open relationship with them. This is the only thing I just can't seem to get to grips with.

Do you have any advice GB? Am I just reading too much into it? Please don't let me become the guy in the corner of the club who looks like he used to be hot, but now just creeps the fuck out of everyone.

Thanks.

The impression that I get from this reader's email is that he is indeed a 100%++ type A personality. Although I think that the type A versus type B personality theory is too narrow to be taken seriously, it's clear to me from his email that the idea of a type A person was almost designed to describe this reader! The title of the email that he sent me was "sex and sentimentality", a perfect title for what he had to say, and the contents of the email are also perfectly focussed on describing his issue with a view to getting some help. And his last paragraph, painting a picture of what might become of him, was an amusing way to end the email :-).

The first thing to say is that I'm worried in case the reader needs professional help. Although he says that he doesn't think he's emotionally closed off, and that he makes new friends very easily, it could be that a lot of those friendships are quite shallow. Or given his type A personality, perhaps he only makes friends when he thinks that the person will be of some use to him. Indeed, the lack of emotional connection with people that he has sex with seems a bit extreme to me. As a banker, I myself am far more of a type A person than a type B person, but nonetheless I feel emotionally connected with other people far more than this reader does. As a result, I find the reader's behaviour hard to understand. So it's possible that he should talk things through with a psychologist, e.g. it could actually be one of those situations where there's something in his childhood that makes him behave like this. That's all the more true if I'm wrong and that his friendships are not shallow or not usually related to how useful the person may be to him, because that makes his feelings about his sexual partners even harder to understand.

It's true, though, that this lack of a broader interest in one's sexual partners is not exactly unknown when it comes to gay men hooking up with each other. My post titled 'Do you have sex or make love?' discussed that, and pointed out that even before online cruising, guys were still connecting with each other based only on finding another gay guy who could play the right role (e.g. top or bottom, etc). However, as the reader suggests, I'm sure that it is the guys who stay in that mode for too long who end up being the creepy guys in gay bars and clubs.

Some aspects of what I wrote when I got an email from a gay guy who works in the City might be applicable to this reader. Looking at Maslow's pyramid, it seems to me that at the moment this reader is near the bottom of the pyramid, focussing on safety issues. He could be so completely driven to succeed in his studies and with his PR company that he simply has no mental bandwidth for deep emotional connections and relationships. If so, when at some stage he feels secure enough to start trying to move one level up the pyramid to the love/belonging tier, then it's possible that his problem will correct itself. Indeed, perhaps that's the reason that he sent me this email, because he does feel ready and because of his prior focus on career he's not sure how to go about it.

Something else that I said in the post for the gay guy who works in the City was that he should try and become more altruistic. That might help this reader too. If he could force himself to spend time helping other people in some way, then perhaps that may help him develop the emotional and compassionate side of his personality.

Looking at it another way, for the reader to have a PR company when he's only 21 years old and still a student seems quite exceptional to me. Perhaps his problem with relationships is simply the flip side of what he's been able to achieve elsewhere in his life. To some extent the business world where achievement is everything is quite cutthroat and ruthless, so maybe he just finds it hard to turn that side of his personality off when it comes to boyfriends and relationships. To a hard headed businessman it might like seem like a waste of effort putting energy into caring about another person, but as one's life progresses and one suffers occasional setbacks, having a boyfriend who really cares about you and who can help you recover is priceless.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a guy who wants a relationship without sex

About four weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

First of all, let me say that your blog is really great. It's good to see such advice in one place without all the regular nonsense mixed in. I have been reading through all of your posts, they have helped me a bit, but I have a question I was wondering if you would know more about.

My question to you would be: Is there a way of finding out if a person is interested in a long term relationship without sex?

I'm 20 and I identify as Asexual. I am one of the homoromantic types; I like other guys but not on a sexual attraction, if that makes sense? I like the look of some, and I would like to be in a relationship with one, but I just don't do sex. Masturbation is my limit I guess. My problem is that I meet a guy that I like, but then pretty much every time it ends in a messy way when they find out I do not want to have sex. I have tried so many approaches: I have just gone with the flow (which ends with the person normally getting bored with me), I have told them I am asexual during the initial meetings (most don't know what that is, or just say that I am in denial), I have also tried stating that I do not want sex early on, which never works as it either scares the other person away as it sounds like I think they just want sex when they are not, or they do just want sex and a fling.

I have read through your posts but have seen nothing that helps me in this situation. I have read the post "Is it really possible to be an asexual human being?". Although I'm happy that most that you know have ended up away from asexuality, for me I am living in the present and was wandering if you have any advice for me? Like is there a good way of having the no sex conversation and at what stage? Are there any signs to look out for that show that a person is just after casual sex when seeing them in person? My experience of the gay scene is limited. I have had no good experiences of it unfortunately. I'm also pretty rubbish at spotting a gay person or making it known that I like the look of someone; although what you have written about body language and eye contact has helped! Online attempts at finding someone also do not work for me. I guess I just sound too boring!

I really hope you can offer some advice!

I found this email fascinating because I've never thought about asexuality properly before. The point of the post about asexuality that the reader mentions was that all the people that I knew who seemed asexual were in reality just gay guys who hadn't yet come out. However, this reader doesn't seem to have a problem being gay because he's clearly tried dating other guys, so he's in a different category to the 'asexual' guys that I knew. Furthermore, the way that the email is written leaves me in no doubt that the reader is being sincere.

Unfortunately, I don't have much idea how to help this reader. All the guys that I've ever known who go on dates with other guys have wanted sex to be part of any resulting relationship, and often the sex is all they want! I certainly don't think there's any way of finding out if someone would be happy to be in a relationship without sex without a discussion on the subject, not unless they've said so in e.g. their online profile somewhere. The problem is that for every guy that I've ever known, apart from this reader, sex in a relationship is like breathing and eating. It's a natural part of life, and completely mandatory. My best guess is that there are very few guys in the world who are like this reader :-(.

I asked boyfriend T what he thought, although he wasn't very helpful:

"I've had a reader write to me and ask how he can find a gay relationship that doesn't involve sex," I ask, "do you think that's possible?"

"I've never heard of such a thing," answers boyfriend T, sounding quite surprised, "sex is a basic human need."

"But this reader is sure that he's asexual, apart from wanking on his own. He really does want a relationship without sex."

"If you ask me," replies boyfriend T, "he just hasn't met the right guy yet!"

I can't help wondering whether the reader's asexuality is just some kind of irrational fear, because if so, overcoming it would another solution for the reader. I've had a few irrational fears in my time, the biggest of which was fear of water and drowning, which for many years prevented me from learning how to swim. However, recently with boyfriend T's help I did learn how to swim, although I'm still not particularly comfortable in the water.

My only thought that might help the reader directly would be for him to advertise for an asexual relationship. So if he's looking for guys to date online then he should specify his preference on his profile. He could do the same if he ever uses personal ads in magazines. However, I don't think it's much of a solution for him because most guys want sex, so the most likely result of that strategy is that no one ever contacts him.

Does anyone else have any constructive thoughts that might really help this reader?

Update 3-Jul-2011: At the London gay pride event yesterday, I picked up a leaflet with the following two links that are relevant to Asexuality:
International Asexual Awareness week (facebook page)
Asexuality.org

Relationships with bisexual men: a cautionary tale

I recently received an update from a reader who emailed me for advice almost 4 years ago. She had been living with a guy who had confided to her that he was bisexual, although he said that he hadn't acted on his feelings for men, and that he wanted a relationship with her. At the time, because of the details of their situation, neither I nor most of the readers who left comments thought that continuing a relationship with him would be a good idea. Her recent email was as follows:

Dear GB,

It's been four years since you last wrote to me and I just want to update you on what happened.

Against your advice, we still maintained the relationship because I really loved him. We recently celebrated our 6th year as a couple. During those years, I thought we were as happy as we could be. Our sexual life diminished somewhat and sometimes deep in my heart I knew that lacking passion for each other wasn't right; but barring that, we had a steady, happy relationship. I was even expecting a marriage proposal sometime this year.

However, just last night, he confessed that he couldn't control his feelings for other men any longer. He is slowly starting to accept the fact that he may be a homosexual. We've finally broken up for good, but we ended things well and are still friends. It may be 4 years too late; but at least now I am finally free to look for a man who will completely and fully love me, and he can learn to accept his real self and be truly happy.

I just want to tell you and those kind hearted people who commented on the blog that you were right. A person should be free to explore his/her true self, no matter what. I'm sorry I didn't take your advice sooner; I was blinded by love. I hope that other readers who are in the same situation will take a look at my experience and learn from it. :)

Thanks so much for giving me the advice. I reread it now and it still strikes a chord within me.

You may be thousands of miles away, but know that you have really helped changed my life. :)

Have a great day!

Lots of love,

I take no joy in finding out that our advice turned out to be correct. Anyway, let's all wish her the very best of luck in finding a nice heterosexual man who can give her the love and devotion that she deserves.

Email from a guy who's met the man of his dreams

Right at the end of last month, the day before the royal wedding, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I just read your latest post about the 20 year old guy and felt compelled to write to you for advice, as I really related to his situation and thought you might be able to help me too.

While my situation is similar to his, it is slightly more complicated I think, mainly because I am even more inexperienced than him! I'm 24 and the only ever sexual experience I've had is a mutual wank with a guy in a sauna last year. Sad I know!

That said, I've had a bit of a tough time with the whole gay thing growing up, but I feel like I've turned a corner now and I'm ready to move on and build a gay life for myself. The only problem is, because I've left things so long I feel really behind everybody else in terms of sex and that makes me really nervous and insecure.

This has all become an issue in the last month for me, as I've recently met an AMAZING guy who I've been on a few dates with. And when I say amazing I'm really not exaggerating! I still can't believe I've met someone like him and I can't believe he's even interested in me. He's a few years older than me, incredibly successful in his career (in the sort of way that is both impressive and inspiring because he's done a lot for the progression of gay rights), and he's BEAUTIFUL. He's almost the man of my dreams, something that just a few months ago I never thought existed.

We've been on 3 unbelievable dates so far, all of which have ended up with us being the last people left in the restaurant, and 2 of which have ended up with hour long making out sessions on the street outside :-). While we have very nearly ended up rushing off to bed, we haven't quite made it there yet for one reason or another, and the more I get to know him the more reluctant I am to get into bed with him. He is such an amazing person that I am really worried about doing something that will jeopardize any possible friendship. But then life is also short so I think maybe I should just take the risk and go for it.

The main problem I think has to do with my insecurities. He obviously finds me attractive (he's said as much) but I worry he will be less impressed once in bed. He has been with a lot of guys (really hot ones too) so I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I consider myself a bottom and I've established that he's more of a top (although versatile) so that more or less fits. But I also get the impression that he's a bit of a cock man, as he's always joking about cocks and how they're never big enough. He himself has told me that his is 8 inches and quite thick! I on the other hand am fairly average (about 6 inches) and not particularly thick (I don't think). I've never really worried about it in the past, as I've always thought of myself as a bottom and am not really that fussed about getting blow jobs or fucking guys (I prefer to give and take respectively!) But I'm really worried now that if we do get into bed, I will (a) look really small next to him, and (b) he will be disappointed and not want to sleep with me again, and then I reckon it would just be too awkward to be friends after that.

He knows it's my first time and he thinks we should take things slow. I've also hinted that I'm not as big as him down there but I'm not sure he quite realizes my concerns.

What do you think I should do? Risk it and go for it; or back out while I can and potentially end up with a great friend? Is cock size always so important in gay sex?

To finish off I just wanted to say how much I love your blog. It has really helped me over the years and inspired me to start my own (although it is nothing compared to yours!)

Thanks and hope you're well.

It's always really good to get an email like this which says that someone has found my blog useful :-). I just wish that I had more time, so that I could blog as frequently as I used to.

When I first got this reader's email, I knew that it would be a while before I could do a blog posting for him, so I wrote back with a few bits of advice. One thing that occurred to me was that this reader seemed quite well placed to solve his own problems, because he's very self-aware. Statements like "The main problem [is] to do with my insecurities" are spot on. In this kind of situation, recognising the problem is a significant part of the solution :-).

The first thing that I told the reader was that it's quite understandable for someone in his position to be insecure, and that he just needs to build a little bit of confidence. I also said that it's not "sad" that he's had virtually no experience of sex, it's just the way that his life has worked out so far. In fact, I was a few years older than him before I had my first experiences and for much the same reason, namely that I also had a "tough time with the whole gay thing" before I finally came out.

The reader's dream guy sounds wonderful! What's more, if this guy has done stuff for the progression of gay rights, then he's bound to understand that it takes some people much longer than others to come out as gay. Indeed, someone like that should be very understanding of all the reader's issues. The fact that the reader is slightly new to gay life could well be one of the things that this guy finds the reader attractive.

Regarding the reader's concerns about dick size, I told him that in my experience lots of gay men (including me) joke it! However for most guys (again including me) it's just that, i.e. it's simply joking and fooling around. The reality is that in a real bedroom situation most gay guys really don't care. Of course there are "size queens", i.e. guys who really do want big cocks, but those types of guys are usually very shallow. I'd be amazed if the reader's dream guy is like that, but if he is, I'd suggested that he wouldn't be worth the reader's time after all. Someone like the reader who can write an eloquent email will be able to find much more suitable guys for fun and relationships :-).

In fact, size queens are usually bottoms who want a big cock inside them. I reckon that tops, and hence presumably the reader's dream guy, are much less concerned with cock size. If tops want to be shallow they're looking for tight arses!

Perhaps the most important point that I made to the reader was that he shouldn't back out, because he'll then only have the same problems with the next guy that he likes. All he needs is a bit of confidence, and if he always settles for friendship he'll never start building it. On the contrary, I told him that he should try and his man into bed as soon as possible, because activities with like-minded guys are great fun :-).

After I'd emailed this reader to give him my initial thoughts, within a day I'd received his reply thanking me. I then didn't email him until a few days ago, when I asked him if there had been any developments that I should take account of while I was writing my blog post. His reply was as follows:

Hi GB!

Things have got very complicated with the love of my life unfortunately. He is incredibly busy at the moment with different business projects that we have only managed to see each other once since I last wrote to you! :-( We did have a good chat though and established how much we both like each other. And he reiterated that he is very cautious not to rush into anything, as apparently he has been hurt in the past.

While we were in fairly regular text contact I still thought that it was getting a bit ridiculous at how little we were seeing each other so I ended up telling him off last week. I think I do believe him when he says he is just so busy at the moment but I also can't help but feel that he may be playing the field as well, which makes me feel stupid because I am being so good! I told him this and his reply was that he feels bad I feel stupid and that I shouldn't wait for him while he is so busy. He has since gone even more quiet although he does still reply to my texts in a nice way.

Anyway, I have been doing major damage control. The whole saga has made me look objectively at our friendship/relationship and decide what is really important to me. And so I wrote him a LONG email today outlining what that was - basically in a nutshell I said that having him as a friend is by far the most important thing to me because I find him so inspiring. Anything extra would be a bonus and is up to him. I am awaiting the reply but I think what might happen is that we will continue down the friend route for now. I think he is incredibly special though so I do still want him to be my first sexual encounter. Who know what will happen but I reckon if we decide that a relationship is not in our best interests he might still be willing to show me the ropes sex wise in a sort of friends with benefits way? I'm just speculating though although if that were to happen then my original concerns from my first email would still stand - i.e. is cock size really that important?

In my experience, if someone seems to be going much slower than someone else in terms of starting a relationship, then it doesn't do any good to try and hurry them. Sometimes their lack of speed is simply trying to give a message that they're not as interested as they originally were. Furthermore, although they may say that they like someone a lot, subconsciously their thoughts may be slightly different. So it can be their subconscious mind that causes them to delay meetings, because they just know that something isn't quite right for them.

Regarding the reader, the guy is saying that he wants to go slow, and it sounds like the reader is trying to push him to go much faster. My guess is that it's been the reader that's been setting up all their meetings and starting all their txt msg conversations. I didn't realise it from the reader's first email, but it now sounds to me very much like the reader has a big crush on this guy. The guy on the receiving end has probably been feeling that the reader is far too keen, far too intense about a possible relationship, so I'm not at all surprised to hear that the guy has been even more quiet recently.

When meeting guys for dates, I reckon that the golden rule is always to be cool. Given that these two guys don't have a relationship, to me it sounds very uncool for the reader to complain to the other guy about his behaviour. It also sounds very uncool to write him a long email.

So what should the reader do now? Unfortunately I reckon that he needs to start getting over this guy, because I think it's unlikely that the guy will want to have much to do with the reader in the future. The only way to salvage the situation might be to have no contact for a couple of months or more, and then to send a very short txt msg, apologising for being too intense previously. And if instead the other guy contacts the reader before the reader contacts him, then the reader should leave it at least a few hours before replying, and play it cool and casual when he does reply.

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?

Email from a 20yo gay guy

About a week ago I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I stumbled upon your blog earlier today and I think it's fantastic that someone has sound, wholesome advice to offer to young gay men. That said, I have a few questions of my own! I'm 20 years old and a junior in college. I came out five years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, but didn't have many gay friends or any sexual/romantic experience at all with men until I came to university. In my time here, I've done a good deal of fooling around and I spent a decent portion of my freshman year in a sexual relationship with someone that I hoped would turn into something more substantial but never did. Despite all of this, I still haven't had anal sex because I want my first time, whether it's as a top or a bottom, to be within a relationship. The extent of my sexual experience at this point only includes oral sex.

Now, for the first time, I am actually dating someone worthwhile, and not just going on one date and then acting like we're in a serious relationship or going on one date and then hooking up (things that I've done in the past), but really, legitimately just moving slowly, getting to know the other person, and not taking it to the sexual level yet. In a lot of ways, my situation is ideal. I'm young, I'm having a healthy experience, and I've been careful in my life thus far, so I haven't really been jaded by a bad relationship yet. However, the grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes, it's hard to remember that 20 is young. There are days when I feel as though that's very old for someone to be relatively inexperienced in the area of sex and relationships, especially for a gay man who's been out for five years. I don't want to push things with my new flame, as we've only been dating for a few weeks and when the semester ends in another two or three weeks, he'll be headed home for the summer, about 12 hours away from where I live, so things will sort of be on hold until school starts up again in September (if we're still interested in each other by the time he comes back). Meanwhile, I often feel that peer pressure to just have sex already, whether it's with him or with someone else. My friends are understanding of my situation and have a lot of respect for me wanting to wait until it's with someone who cares about me, but sometimes I feel like the odd man out because it's an experience I haven't had yet. It's something that I'm eager to explore, but I'm intimidated. Sexual relations are an emotional thing for me and anal sex can be especially scary for first-timers, or so it seems from my perspective! :o

In any event, I'm just wondering what your advice might to be to someone in my situation, and if I'm doing the right things?

Thanks!

Having read this new reader's email, I couldn't help thinking how level headed he is for a 20 year old guy :-). He doesn't seem to have any problems being gay, he's realises that he's still quite young, and his queries about sex and relationships are very rational.

When it comes to sex, some gay guys seem to think that if there's no arse fucking then it's not sex. However, I've never held that view. My definition of gay sex would be any activity between two or more guys where one or more of the guys cums. With that definition, I'm sure that this guy must have had lots of sex already! After all, I feel sure that as well as oral sex, his experience is likely to include mutual masturbation :-).

I've always felt that the fact that I enjoy sexual activities with other guys isn't the thing that makes me gay. Straight guys in all-male environments such as prisons may indulge in various forms of gay sex simply because they want sex, not because they're gay. For me, the thing that means that I'm gay is the fact that I fall in love with other guys. When that happens, and if my feelings are reciprocated, then I want to spend lots of time with them as well as get into intimate situations with them! In a loving gay relationship, there are so many ways of expressing that love that a narrow definition of sex that focuses on anal sex seems quite inappropriate to me.

It's also true that some gay guys don't enjoy anal sex. For the guy who takes the role of bottom, it's the stimulation of his prostate that should give him pleasure. However, I've known a lot of gay guys who don't enjoy being fucked, so not everyone finds it pleasurable.

Having said all that, anal sex is a standard sexual activity for gay guys, so it makes sense for this reader to give it a go at some point because he may enjoy it :-). But I don't see that there's any rush, and I certainly don't think that he should feel compelled in any way to have anal sex if he doesn't want to. If he does try anal sex, then the most important thing to remember is that the top should wear a condom, because it's the riskiest kind of gay sex in terms of catching nasty diseases. Apart from that, it's vital that the bottom relaxes his arse muscles, otherwise he'll probably find it very painful!

In terms of this reader's potential boyfriend, I think that it's probably worth trying to engage him in some kind of sexual activity before the summer break. Sex (my definition!) is an important part of any gay relationship, and the longer that it doesn't happen, the more likely is that the two guys will end up as friends rather than boyfriends. Perhaps the reader has been avoiding sexual activity because the thinks that his potential boyfriend will automatically want anal sex, and as he said in his email, he's not sure that he wants to do anal sex yet? Whatever the situation, two boyfriends should be able to be honest with each other, and have mature conversations about these kind of issues. They should also be able to respect each other in terms of what kind of sex they both want to have. If not, then they're probably not compatible as boyfriends.

Do any other readers have any other thoughts that might help this guy?

Email from a young straight guy with gay friends

A couple of weeks ago, a student sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm an 18 year old student, finishing up my final year or 'a' levels at a prestigious Catholic school. I know that might not be particularly relevant, but it does seem to make this seem more personal somehow.

Anyway, for the past seven years I've had the same group of friends that I've met at school, all of which are guys cause, well it's an all boys school. Anyway, it's my final year and it seems as though every one of them is 'coming out' and I couldn't be more okay with it. I'm Catholic myself so I don't judge and I do try to be very supportive.

One of the guys though, who recently came out to me, one day started to sort of come on to me and to be honest I was freaked but I didn't panic. I just told him that I didn't go that way and something else along those lines. He seemed to accept it and I thought all was fine.

After that though, my other friends from the same clique, confronted me and said that the same friend who had come on to me before thinks I'm definitely gay and is really upset at me cause I don't want to admit it and come out already.

I was truly shocked.

When I was younger, I had a friend and he and I fooled around a bit cause to be honest, I was really curious. It didn't go anywhere cause I couldn't be more sure that I'm not interested in guys. I'm concerned though that I'm giving off some type of gay vibe or something or maybe I'm acting gay. I'm really not sure. I'm pretty average to my knowledge. I don't have a girlfriend or anything but it more cause of the fact that any girl I like seems to not even want to be around me more than anything else. That's a different story though.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I know that they all think I'm gay now and I'm not as concerned about that as I am about the signals I give off. If I was gay, I'd have come out already. My parents'd be cool with it. My friends would definitely be okay with it and I'm not one to care much about what people think of me.

It's really an eye-opener for me GB. Have my gay friends' attitudes rubbed off on me? I really don't think so. Do I act gay? Not to my knowledge (not that I act all macho and 'straight' or anything) but It's just got me thinking.

I really hope you respond to this. It'd be nice to see what you've got to say.

Hoping to hear from you soon. Till then, take care, and happy banking!

Yours

The straightforward way that this student approaches his situation makes me think that he is straight, and not deluded about his sexuality at all. In the past, most of the people who've contacted me for advice have been gay guys, so it's interesting to get an email from straight guy for a change.

The mostly likely explanation for what's happened is that the student's friend has had a crush on him. When someone has a crush on someone else, they'll fail to read the signals properly. Any behaviour on the part of the student that suggested that he's straight would have been interpreted as "Oh, he's just doing/saying that because he still wants to pretend that he's straight", and any friendly behaviour that the student's friend saw would have been interpreted as gay love. The subsequent behaviour, now that the student has told his friend that he is straight after all, is simply a reaction to fact that his love isn't reciprocated. I'd suggest that the student should avoid seeing his friend as much as possible, in an attempt to let him recover from his unrequited love, and hope that the passage of time will eventually repair their friendship.

Whether the student has picked up any gay characteristics is perhaps a more interesting question, and perhaps harder to work out. The fact that the student has a lot of gay friends suggests that he's very much the metrosexual, otherwise he wouldn't fit in with them. However, I'd say that it's a very good thing for a straight guy to be metrosexual :-). I've got two straight friends who I'd put in that category, and without doubt I'd say that they're the most successful of all my straight friends in terms of getting girlfriends, wives, mistresses and new girlfriends whenever they want. This makes me think that there's some truth in the idea that a metrosexual guy is more in touch with his feminine side, and that that makes him more attractive to women. So rather than fight against this trait, I'd suggest that instead he should embrace it.

In terms of this student's gay friends, the thing that would most help would be if he could somehow find himself a girlfriend. That would underline his assertion that he's straight. Doing something for the first time, in this case getting one's first girlfriend or boyfriend, is always much harder than doing it again on a subsequent occasion. The paradox is that one of the most attractive things to a potential girlfriend or boyfriend is confidence, but when one has never had a previous relationship it's hard to be confident because one has no experience. However, another attractive attribute is being cool. Given how unfazed this student is that all his male friends are gay, I'd imagine that he must be quite a cool character :-), so I'm sure that he'll be able to find himself a nice girlfriend eventually.

Finally, whether one is gay or straight, whenever someone (of either gender) expresses interest in you it's always a compliment. Receiving a compliment like that should always be a confidence booster. So perhaps if this student thinks of recent events in that frame of mind, it'll help him find a girlfriend :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts that might help this guy?

Email from a frustrated young gay guy

Last September, as a result work pressure, I decided that I didn't have enough spare time to continue blogging twice a week. But even though I'm not a regular blogger any more, I still receive occasional emails from readers asking for advice. However, when I do get such requests, they now usually ask me NOT to post the email on this blog. Of course, I always want to help, however I feel that posting these emails is a necessary part of the way that I help. They say that a problem shared with another person is a problem halved, which means that sharing a problem with the entire Internet will be even more beneficial :-). So please, don't send emails requesting my advice if you don't want me to post some version of that email here.

A few days ago, I got just such an email from a reader who put a p.s. at the bottom of his email which said "I beg you not to post this on your blog". However, after we'd exchanged a few emails, we came up with a slightly modified version of his original email that he is happy for me to post. The email is as follows:

Dear GB,

I only started following your blog last year but I've already gone through all the past issues since 2005. It's entertaining and I just wish you'd post more often (you've been slacking off lately) despite you're increased work load, but I understand, we all have to work.

Anyway, I can't believe I'm doing this but I need your advice. My life's full of weird drama and hormones. lemme explain the situation and please tell me what I should do.

Problems:

1. I'm madly in love with someone that I've never spoken to
2. I think I may be going mad because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of the good fortune of youth must be in want of only sex, and tonnes of it. Though I enjoy sex, I prefer the intimacies of a relationship which is most likely because I've never been in one, as opposed to the healthy doses of sex that I've received already. Normally this type of behaviour occurs in middle-aged men who've accumulated enough wealth and are enticed by the prospects of settling down with Angie the barmaid and starting an atheist family.
3. I'm in my late teens and, as is the case with most of my age-mates, I'm suffering through enough hormones and drama to make the cast of Skins shave their pubes for once.
4. I also happen to be the third wheel in a gay sex triangle, which means I often feel left out.

Please help me. And note that I'm trying my best not to be an angsty teen. Oh, and cyber-slap me to my senses if it's necessary.

Thank you.

The Jane Austen quote made me laugh :-). But having read this email a few times, I wouldn't mind betting that quite a few readers will see the phrase "... healthy doses of sex that I've received already" and think "lucky b**tard, I wish I'd had too much gay sex when I was a teenager". Of if they're in a monogamous relationship, a few readers might think "although I love my boyfriend, I wish I was like this teenager again and able to have sex with other guys whenever I want to".

The problem here is simply that one craves what one doesn't have, and what one doesn't have always seems more important than what one does have. It's a case of "The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence". However, it's usually just a trick of the light, because when one climbs over the fence it's often the case that the grass isn't as green as it looked and the grass back on the original side of the fence looks a lot more lush!

Another important point is that desperation to be in a relationship is deeply unattractive. I've mentioned before that some people use so called 'dating rules' which specify things like not phoning a guy back for three days after a date. As far as I can tell, the purpose of those kind of rules is simply to help the desperate and the uncool appear like cool guys after all. So when the reader does find a guy that he's keen on, he should take it slowly.

However, regarding the guy that the reader is madly in love with, getting to that point without ever having spoken to him is taking things a bit too slow! I'd say that if you fancy a guy, the cool thing to do is to find a way to start talking to him :-), rather than living a rather strange existence full of unrequited love. After a couple of conversations it should be possible for the reader to work out whether the other guy has any interest in him. If not then at that stage, having given it his best shot, hopefully the reader will be able to move on.

I guess that my main message to the reader is that he should just try and relax, chill out, and continue having large and healthy doses of sex :-). Since he's still a teenager, he's got his whole life ahead of him to find a nice boyfriend to settle down with, so there really isn't any rush. For what it's worth, I still believe in the Gaydar advantage, so with a super cool state of mind he should simply be open to any relationship possibilities if any opportunities present themselves. And in terms of his gay sex triangle, that sounds like a recipe for deep unhappiness so I reckon he should avoid the other two guys as much as possible.

Have I cyber-slapped the reader? If so, it's for his own good :-)! Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on these issues?

Email from a guy who lives in the English countryside

A couple of days ago, a reader sent me the following brief email:

Dear GB,

Have you any advice how a gay 48 year old who lives in the country can meet someone, as I don’t like internet dating, and we have no gay pubs within 50 miles of where I live. I would be grateful as I have become very isolated.

Thanks

From his email address, it was obvious that he does indeed live deep in the English countryside.

Because I live in London, I'm not sure what the best way is for gay guys who live in the countryside to meet each other. However, I'd be surprised if the Internet isn't an important part of the solution to this reader's problem. If the reader doesn't like internet dating, then there's Out Everywhere which uses the Internet to organise real world events around the country, although I don't know if there are ever any events near where he lives. Alternatively, it's possible to create a profile on the web site of the UK magazine Gay Times, and interact through their forums.

Presumably some readers of this blog live in the countryside? If so, then if any of them have suggestions I'm sure they'd be much appreciated :-).

Email from a middle aged bisexual guy

A couple of days ago, I received the following email from a new reader:

Dear GB,

I'm a middle aged guy who's very closeted, because I'm still coming to terms with the idea that I'm probably bisexual.

I'm not uncertain about my desire for male companionship, I'm just still embarrassed and ashamed of myself due to my Presbyterian upbringing. Besides, I'm really afraid of losing my sons if they have to confront this issue.

I'd really like to become pen friends with someone who's in a similar position to me. Have you got any idea where I could find such a person?

Thanks in advance, J

My first instinct was to post this email here on my blog, because it's possible that one or two of my existing readers might be in the right category to become pen friends with this new reader. Any volunteers?

Email from a guy who's worried about his sexual history

Last week, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I really enjoy reading your blog (I stumbled upon it a couple of years ago) and I thought I'd ask for some advice.

I am 23 year old gay guy in a new town in my first proper job. I am (for the first time really) serious about starting a relationship. Two years ago I came within a hair's breadth of having a nervous breakdown and am finally off the medication that helped me recover.

The thing is: I was a little promiscuous in uni (since I have been out I've slept with 18 guys), and am a little embarrassed by my past conduct. I feel that the guys I see myself dating will be put off by this. I am particularly embarrassed as I had some safe sex slip ups (in fact I had a mini affair with someone where we didn't use condoms - at the time I really enjoyed the risk). I was lucky and didn't catch anything nasty, but am worried about how the people I want to date will judge me.

See, I want to date nice, successful, guys (because I did used to be one), and I feel they'll judge me negatively when they hear of my past. Especially with respect to the slip ups. The thing is, I really enjoyed it. I got to have fun with all sorts of guys (I have quite broad tastes in men, and it was enjoyable to have fun with them), and to know what I enjoyed (and what I didn't).

The thing I want to ask is how best to broach this subject with any beaus in future? I understand that I must take responsibility for my previous actions, and that I'll be judged on them; but I'm just terribly worried that I'll not have what I want now that I have a clearer idea of what I look for in a guy (beyond his physical attributes).

All the best.

Having read this email a few times, I think one of the important facts is that this reader almost had a nervous breakdown. It's good that he recovered, but it must mean that he's prone to worrying too much, in this case about all the sex that he had when he was a bit younger. Most of us have a sexual history of some sort and indeed, the older a potential boyfriend is, the more of a past he's likely to have. All sensible guys know that, so there's no reason to hide it. The important thing is to relax, and simply be honest about it when the subject comes up, because honesty and trust are fundamental to any relationship.

In fact, it's easy to put a positive spin on this reader's past. It's quite normal for younger guys to be a bit wild. That's why there are expressions like "Sowing one's wild oats". So some guys might think that another guy is a bit boring if they haven't done some things that they regret in their past. The good thing is that the reader didn't catch anything nasty from his recklessness, and so with that experience behind him, he's learned a bit about life and has matured as a result :-).

Another thought is that a sexual history with only 18 guys doesn't strike me as that many. A few years ago when I was blogging about my encounters, I was playing around with at least one new guy a week! Perhaps that was too many, but the important thing is that I've always been honest about it with boyfriend T.

In the past, the reader must have had some self-esteem issues, to allow himself to have regular unprotected sex with another guy. My guess is that those self-esteem issues were connected with his near nervous breakdown. But he's clearly moved on since then because he's off his medication and is now ready for a serious relationship. So as I said above, he's learned from his past mistakes, which is a positive thing.

In summary, I think the reader has nothing to worry about regarding his past, which is perfectly normal. Instead, he should put all his effort into finding himself a nice boyfriend :-), and then making the relationship work when he's found one!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?

An email about good old-fashioned romance

Just over two weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've been reading your blog on and off for a year now and have been really enjoying it - thanks. Congratulations on the new email address and web domain!

This evening over a cup of decaf at a local pub, I had a rather interesting discussion about relationships with my brother, who is also gay but four years younger than me. I'd be interested to know what you and any of your other readers thought:

The conversation came about as my brother joked that his life plan was to civil-partner someone rich and cute (ha, ha); however, as the conversation became more serious he claimed optimistically that in principle anyone might fall in love and end up in a relationship with anyone else. After all, he said, "you only need one person to fall in love with you". Perhaps I'm just too deeply cynical (quite probably), I replied that whilst I'd love nothing more than to settle down with a boyfriend working in the City to a blissful life of Colefax & Fowler swatches and surrogacy (really, I would), at the grand old age of 34 my days of five evenings a week at the gym are long gone and as a teacher I was never going to land Mr Darcy as I simply no longer held enough points!

Basically my line was this: In relationships everyone pairs off with those who they are fairly equal to based roughly around three areas: (1) Physical attractiveness; (2) Money/Power; (3) Intellect/Personality. This can be both or either a sub-conscious or conscious decision. You don't have to score the same for each of the three areas but in total you need to score roughly the same. Therefore, the super-cute, sexy, 20 year old, blond, Abercrombie jeans model ends up with the slightly overweight, Oxbridge educated, 45 year old hedge-fund director because overall they score about the same. In my world-view, dear old Jane Austen and every Rom Com writer since have simply been trying to make the single, aging, drooping ones of us perceive some ray of hope so we don't all throw ourselves under a train tomorrow.

Perhaps I am too sceptical and bleak - goodness I hope so. What do you think? Are you with my brother, or me?

I immediately sent the reader an email, telling him that I'd happily address his queries. Having thought about it at length, I can see merits in what both brothers say.

It's interesting that the reader mentions Jane Austen because ever since I read Pride and Prejudice, I've been a big fan of her work. But in her novels, it always seemed to me that it was the personality and intellect of the heroine that enabled the heroine to marry the richer man. That means that even in Jane Austen, there is a balance of attributes in the three areas that the reader mentions. So perhaps the reader's idea that couples have to score a similar amount in the combination of those areas is correct?

But then, doesn't everyone have at least one friend where the thought is "I really don't know what my friend sees in his partner, I'm sure that he could have done much better"? No doubt that's the situation that the reader's brother is referring to. The person who thinks a friend could have found himself a better partner is probably assessing the situation based on the three areas that the reader mentions.

I was discussing this with boyfriend T a couple of days ago, and he had a good point to make.

"I definitely thought that one of my friends could have found himself a much better wife," he remarked, "but eventually I found out what my friend saw in her."

"Which was?" I ask, intrigued.

"It was the sex! He told me one day after a few drinks that she was absolutely amazing in bed :-)."

I guess what this means is that there are many more categories than the three areas that the reader mentions. However, I think it also means that people probably do pair off based on the qualities in their prospective partners, but exactly which qualities are important varies from person to person. No doubt that's what the reader's brother was referring to, namely that people can have hidden qualities which make them attractive to people that otherwise would not be attracted to them. I think it would be fair to call that the mystery of romance!

So what are the two brother's chances of finding themselves nice boyfriends? The younger brother is clearly an optimist, and in general I think that's quite an attractive quality so I'm sure that he'll be OK :-). However, the older brother who sent me the email is in danger of turning into a jaded and cynical old queen, given the way that he wrote the email! But with the right attitude, there's absolutely no reason why he won't be able to find himself a nice boyfriend too :-). After all, I was older than he is now when I met ex-boyfriend P, and older still when I met boyfriend T.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Email from a young gay virgin

A couple of weeks ago, a reader sent quite a sweet email:

Hi GB,

I am a fan of your blog and I've been following it for some time now. I always look forward reading your posts. Actually, I found your blog site by accident when I was googling about gays in finance, and found it in one of the searches. I read a single post and it immediately captured my imagination. Your prose is quite lucid and not too intimidating. The stories you share about your personal life are entertaining in a good sort of way and I especially like the advices you dispense to your readers. I think this is where much of your character is shown, how you carefully think about the nature of the problem and the solutions you give and the genuine concern to the individual who wrote to you. In fact this is what I like about you: that you seem to genuinely like people. It shows in your blog so it doesn't come across as a self-indulgent vehicle, unlike so many others out there.

I am thrilled that you have found boyfriend T, he seems to be doing you a world of good. I hope that your love for him will finally inspire him to come out to his friends and family, that would be so romantic! Less this become a long effusive letter from a rabid fan, I think this is my queue to say goodbye and I hope that God would bring more blessings in your life. Here's hoping that we would read more about it soon!

Sincerely from another avid Asian fan,

So I sent him a polite reply, in which I asked him if he was gay, and within a day or so I received his answer:

Dear GB,

I'm so thrilled you've responded. I'm a 26-year old out gay man from the Philippines. Chinese-Filipino to be more accurate, we're a little more liberal here, my family has accepted me and I don't think I've encountered any blatant homophobia in work.

I was first going to write an agony letter to you but it's more of a worry then an agony. But I'll go ahead and tell you nonetheless so I can get another perspective perhaps?

You see, out as I am, I've had this little problem with my friends and well intentioned acquaintances about my single status. Often I get this look of disbelief from other people when I'm getting know them when I tell them that I have never had a boyfriend at all and a bigger shock that I am still a virgin. My friends being the good friends that they are all laugh about it. All my friends either have boyfriends of their own or have had boyfriends in the past. That leaves me the only virgin in my group. I've asked them to fix me up but they all seem to be a little apprehensive about doing so because they know how choosy I am. They can't seem to find someone that would be suitable for me and yes I am a bit choosy. To give you a perspective on how choosy I am I've dated 4 guys for the last 5 years and nothing ever came about it. Two were pity dates and the other two made me irritated with them in the end. I've tried the online thing and I've no luck there. I haven't given up hope you see but I would now like to focus on my career path, so I am studying for the CFA level 1 exam for this December and maybe I'll take the GMAT next year. So I don't think I'll have time to date for some time. I have no problem with this but recently a former office mate of mine died suddenly from what it turned out to be a lingering illness. He was an out gay man in his late thirties and he seemed perfectly healthy a month ago before he resigned. We're all shocked, I guess he didn't want people to know that he was seriously ill when he resigned. One cannot help but think about the inevitable and how uncertain the timing is. This has somewhat unnerved me and I guess I am questioning my priorities in life. After all I don't want to end up a dead 40 year old virgin.

Anyway thanks for the indulgence. Best wishes to you and boyfriend T!

And then, to my great surprise, a couple of days after that he sent me a short video of himself where he told me a bit more about his situation. I was genuinely touched by that gesture, because previously no one had ever sent GB a video of themselves!

In the video, he told me that he wasn't completely innocent because he'd actually kissed a couple of guys. However, it sounded as though the guys were not very good kissers, because he told me that they were quite wet. I reckon good kissers are very sensual without being wet! Beyond that, he went on to say that he once ended up in a mutual masturbation situation with a guy that he really fancied. I would count mutual masturbation as a sexual activity, but it turned out that in his case neither of them came, so I'd probably agree with him that he can still count himself as a virgin after all. In fact, he'd been hoping that the guy who he got into the mutual masturbation with would become his boyfriend, but the guy dumped him the day after the failed session. He now has the view that he's not even going to try and have sex with anyone unless he feels that they both love each other.

Having read his emails and watched his video a few times, it seems to me that he's putting up a lot of barriers in terms of finding himself a nice boyfriend. For example, he says that he's not going to have much time to look for one, and even more than that he says that he's very choosey. Perhaps his past experiences have understandably left him with a fear of rejection, however there's no doubt in my mind that to some extent all the barriers that he's created for himself simply prove that he's avoiding the issue for some reason.

Why should he bother to look for a boyfriend? Quite simply, he should bother because life is much more rewarding when you've got someone to share it with. That applies to one's successes, but it probably applies more to one's failures when a good boyfriend will be able to provide valuable support. It also applies in the bedroom! And when people get older, it's well known that people with partners live longer because they've got so much more to live for :-).

Another issue is that guys who say that they're choosey often have unrealistic expectations of what relationships are all about. They'll spend all their time looking for Mr Perfect, and consequently miss out on all the great relationships that might be possible with guys that don't fit their preconceptions of who they want their boyfriend to be. I'll freely admit that I was the same when I was looking for my first boyfriend. However, I spent many wonderfully happy years with ex-boyfriend S, even though in many ways he was the opposite of the kind of boyfriend that I thought I wanted when I was looking for him.

In his video, the reader mentioned a post that I did a couple of years ago, titled The gaydar advantage. That post argued that when one is looking for a boyfriend then it's good to have activities with lots of different guys, because the intimacy that comes from encounters bypasses traditional dating so that it's much easier to work out whether a relationship might work. It worries me that this reader has decided that he'll only get intimate with someone once they've both decided that they love each other. "Love at first sight" is possible, but more often love grows as guys get to know each other. A lot of guys won't bother getting to know someone who's got such strong preconceptions about what's got to happen before they can get intimate.

It's easy to see how the reader has ended up with his current views, given what's happened to him in the past. As a result of all that, he's anxious and nervous. Somehow he needs to learn to relax in connection with all his issues, which of course is easier said than done. Telling someone to relax is likely to have the opposite effect :-(.

Regarding the sexual aspect of being with another guy, one thing that might help is if he tries to remember how natural it is to cum. I bet he's done it hundreds of times on his own, just like all the other guys in the world, and just like all the guys that he's going to be in intimate situations with. In that context, a couple of guys helping each other to cum is the most natural thing in the world, and nothing to get anxious about.

I'm not saying that that the reader needs to lower his expectations, but I am saying that he probably needs to adjust his preconceptions about how to fulfil his goal of finding himself a good boyfriend. Somehow he should try and meets lots of guys, because my expectation is that the best boyfriend for him will turn out to be someone that he initially thinks is inappropriate. Along with that, he needs to stop putting barriers in the way of his future happiness. If one is single, the time to starting looking for one's boyfriend is always now!

I hope that this reader will find some of my above comments useful :-). But do any other readers have any thoughts on his situation?

Email from a guy with a boyfriend who's not out at work

Last week, I got the following email from an American reader:

Dear GB,

I have just started reading your blog and must say I have found it very interesting to date.

I am a guy in my early 20's and have been in a relationship for four years or so with a guy who is ten years older, and who's been working in banking for the past 15 years.

We live together in NYC and have a good relationship most of the time.

One thing that does trouble me, however, is that nobody at work knows anything at all. We live in SoHo which is quite close to the Financial District, so are often bumping into his colleagues etc. The other day, for instance, we were in the local deli and he ran out upon seeing one of his colleagues as he did not want to be seen with me.

Firstly, is it wrong that I find this a bit insulting? Normally I am quite outspoken if there is a problem but for some reason I just let it go despite being annoyed on the inside.

Secondly, I don't work in banking so I don't really have an understanding of what the atmosphere/environment would be like should he reveal all so to speak.

I am a relatively normal acting guy, although I suppose I can be a bit camp if I have had a drink. I am not out at work (am relatively new so it is yet to come up) but previously if anyone has asked or indicated they know I have been honest about it. I have to be honest, I do find it hard in a professional environment to deal with really camp people flouncing around and making a spectacle of themselves so I can understand how negative opinions can be formed. But my boyfriend is not like that at all. If he has worked there for many years surely it would not have a significant impact, should he actually acknowledge who he is?

Have you experienced anything similar at all, or do you have any suggestions of how to tackle this? He tells me I know what he was like when we met so I shouldn’t have a problem, he kinda has a point but it is still very frustrating never the less.

I would be appreciative of your thoughts or any advice you may have.

Best regards

This kind of situation is common when one of the two guys in a gay relationship are at different stages of coming out. In fact I can relate strongly to the reader, because my boyfriend T is also closeted, possibly even more so than the reader's boyfriend! With boyfriend T, my only plan is to give him lots of love and support, and hope that he'll gradually feel more and more comfortable as a gay man.

With the reader's situation, one possibility is that in the past, his boyfriend has pretended to be straight when he's been at work. A consequence of this could be that the boyfriend would feel that he'd lose face if he comes out as gay. Unfortunately, if this is the case then the only way to solve the problem might be changing the bank that he works for.

In big international banks these days, when it comes to employing gay staff the key word is "Diversity". I mentioned this in the posting 'Email from a closeted investment banker' earlier this year. If the reader's boyfriend works for a big bank, then the reader could do research over the Internet to find out what the bank's diversity policy is. That information might help the reader's boyfriend feel more comfortable about coming out at work. Another point is that all the big banks also have networks of gay employees these days, so even if the reader can't work out if such a network exists at his boyfriend's bank, he might be able to encourage his boyfriend to find out.

Of course, rather than coming out with a big fanfare and dramatic announcement, it's much better just to stop pretending to be straight. A big coming out is always very egocentric, because with that the person coming out makes the assumption that people are interested. Instead, if the reader's boyfriend does reach the stage where he wants people to know, a better strategy is to quietly tell the biggest gossip in his department! A good thing about making sure other that colleagues know that you're is gay is that inappropriate questions about girlfriends or marriage will cease, and one can relax :-).

To answer the reader's question, although the boyfriend's behaviour is slightly insulting because it implies that the reader is less important than his boyfriends reputation, the behaviour is understandable. In any case, if all else fails, my plan of just loving my boyfriend as much as I can and making him feel more and more comfortable being gay is likely to work in the long term :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on the situation?