Within a week or so, I'll be going on a little trip to Asia to see boyfriend P and meet a few more of his friends. The other guy in boyfriend P's life won't be there, so I'm really looking forward to it :-). After Asia we'll be coming back to London, and for the first time boyfriend P will be staying with me in my house. Previously that wasn't possible because ex-boyfriend S was living with me, however ex-boyfriend S is now living in his own house.
All this raises one of the biggest issues in my personal life at the moment, namely working out how to reconcile boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S, because they've never met. They don't need to become friends, although that would be very nice of course, but it would be good if they could at least tolerate each other. So now that boyfriend S is living in his own house, perhaps it's time for the two of them to meet?
A couple of years ago, ex-boyfriend S felt a lot of hatred towards boyfriend P. "If he were here now ... I'd ... I'd KILL him!! GRRRRR!!!" he said once. At the time, I told him that his anger should be focused at me rather than boyfriend P, because it was my decision to start going on holidays with boyfriend P and so I was to blame. These days, ex-boyfriend S does seem a lot more relaxed about things, although I still haven't ever shown him any photos of boyfriend P.
When I was on holiday in Provincetown last summer with boyfriend P, we bumped into one of boyfriend P's friends who was there with his boyfriend plus another friend of theirs, so we invited all three of them round to supper. It turned out that the friend who wasn't part of the couple had previously been the boyfriend of one of the guys in the couple for fifteen years.
"I guess the two of them were such a huge part of each other's lives for so long," said boyfriend P to me later, "that even though they're not boyfriends any more, it's quite understandable that they still hang out with each other sometimes, and all go on holiday together like this."
Boyfriend P couldn't have put it better. But the same rational thoughts seem to evade him when he thinks about me and ex-boyfriend S, and we were together for more than 15 years! He seems to expect that ex-boyfriend S won't be part of my life any more, even though the two of us have managed to remain friends. Furthermore, whenever I meet any of boyfriend P's friends, I'm usually under strict instructions to avoid all mention of ex-boyfriend S. "Why would you want to mention him anyway?" he'll ask indignantly.
Then there's also my parents and my sister's family. A lot of my family like ex-boyfriend S, and I think he likes most of them too. So even though we're not boyfriends any more, it's not clear to me why I can't visit my family with ex-boyfriend S. Or even better, with boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S :-).
About a year ago, I was cuddling up to boyfriend P one morning after a good night's sleep when I decided to ask him a question.
"Would you like to meet boyfriend S sometime?" I ask. I feel him tense up slightly.
"Oh GB, I don't know!" he says after a short pause.
"Uh huh, OK. Do you think there's a problem then?"
"Well," he says after a much longer pause, "I think he'd be scared of me!"
I didn’t expect that answer, and I'm still trying to work out what it meant. In fact, I think it may have been an attempt to hide the truth, which might be that it's boyfriend P who's scared of the situation.
One good thing about boyfriend P is that he's very non-confrontational. So much so, in fact, that it's probably a minor character flaw because some of life's situations occasionally require a bit of confrontation and he's not very good at it! So it seems likely to me that to avoid confrontation, he'd much rather avoid dealing with the situation relating to him and ex-boyfriend S forever. But the more I think about it, the more I feel that while this issue remains, my relationship with boyfriend P is stalled. I definitely think that it needs to be resolved at some point.
But is now the right time to resolve it? Perhaps it's too soon after ex-boyfriend S's move into his new house? Another issue is that ex-boyfriend S has a lot of other highly emotional issues in his life at the moment that are nothing to do with the situation between him and me. So perhaps it's a good idea to get ex-boyfriend S to meet boyfriend P soon, because while there are these other big issues in boyfriend S's life meeting boyfriend P might not seem like such a big deal? Or since there are these other issues in boyfriend S's life, perhaps it's inconsiderate of me to be contemplating the meeting at this time?
Finally, if I do try and get them to meet, what's the best venue? Presumably not the house that I used to share with ex-boyfriend S, although maybe his new house is a possibility? And who should be there? Perhaps just the three of us, although would it be better to have the two of them on their own without me, or would it be better with other friends there?
If anyone give me some advice, it would be much appreciated!
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