About a week ago, a reader sent me the following email:
Dear GB,
Story of my life (like everyone else). There's this guy I've been talking to, but I'm not sure where he stands. He's 10 years my senior and a total stud; masculine, funny, in shape.
Luckily, I do know that he is gay because we started talking on a gay personals site. After talking online for a good period of time, I suggested we meet up. The first date is set but he cancels due to a sickness. Another date is chosen and he cancels again because of an emergency. The third time actually works out and we meet for lunch.
The date goes as follows: meet at a bookstore, eat at a nearby restaurant, drive around in my car, walk around a park, sit around the pond in the park and talk, and then drive back to meeting point. Pretty boring since there's nothing to do near where I live. Another important detail is that nothing exciting happened; just casual talk and then a goodbye hug. This was a couple of weeks ago and we haven't met back up. I've suggested that if he's free to let me know, but he never does.
Out of all the times we've talked online (25+ times), he has only initiated the conversation 3 times. I'm not sure if he is actually interested in me or if he is just being nice.
Should I keep trying to pursue or give up?
Thanks,
First impressions can sometimes be deceptive, however in this case, I have to admit that my first thoughts were that the guy doesn't have any interest in the reader. However I like to think about my 'Dear GB' responses, so I sent the reader an email telling him that I'll give his situation some thought, while admitting that on a quick read of his email it sounded as though he's wasting his time with the guy. A few days later, however, I got another email from the reader with more information:
Hey GB.
So, here's a mini-update slash another detail.
I have noticed that I was sort of impatient with our contact. I always messaged him before he had a chance to get to me. However, on the two times that I waited a couple of days (most recently today), he eventually did get around to initiating the conversation. Also, there were a couple of times he has said I was cute.
blah... i don't know what to think...mixed messages? or lost cause?
I replied immediately to say that this was important information, and within a few hours I received another email telling me even more:
another detail... (sorry for the sporadic messages)... whenever i suggest meeting up (playing tennis or whatever...also, we live about 1 hr away from each other), he doesn't respond back for a long while (if ever... sometimes i have to do a.. "ya there bud?" deal )...
so... another negative...
Assessing all the information, it seems clear that the reader is keener on the guy than the other way around. But that doesn't mean that the guy isn't interested in the reader. Given all the attention that the reader has shown the guy, the guy must know that every time he initiates contact that he's encouraging the reader to continue the connection, and most people wouldn't do that if they have no interest in developing the friendship.
As a general rule, guys that seem too keen give the impression of being desperate, and that's a major turn-off. Much better to play it cool and let the contact settle down to being more 50-50 in terms of who initiates it. It can be a hard balance to strike between seeming too keen and appearing disinterested, but in this case the reader probably does seem too keen compared to the other guy.
Even if there isn't much to do in the area where the reader lives, I can think of certain kinds of activities which both of them might enjoy! Admittedly jumping into bed at the first opportunity doesn't suit everyone, but I find that approach works for me. If the reader can't have gentleman callers for whatever reason, perhaps he should try and visit the guy next time because the older guy probably can accommodate that kind of visitor. From the description of the one meeting that they did have, I find myself wondering whether it was a situation where the reader was scared of asking the guy to his place for a bit of fun in case the guy turned him down, while the guy was waiting to be asked but didn't feel able to initiate that conversation himself.
Whatever happens, if the reader can work out what's going on in the guy's mind he'll be much better placed to understand the situation. But I don't mean just a simple "Does he like me or not"! Who are the other men in the guy's life, past or perhaps even current boyfriends, fuck-buddies, other 'friends with benefits'? Has the guy recently come out of a long-term relationship, in which case perhaps he's wary of forming new connections while "on the rebound", even if he likes the reader? How does the reader see himself fitting in to the guy's life? Presumably the reader is looking for some kind of boyfriend of fuck-buddy relationship rather than tennis partner, but given the distance, how would that work?
Good communication is vital in any friendship or relationship, so when the reader has a clear view of his goals, I think he should try and discuss everything with the guy. Using lines like "it might be nice to get to know each other better, you know!" or at least having a discussion about that aspect of their friendship would be good too. In any case, a frank discussion about the future would be much better than just giving up!
Do any other readers have any thoughts about this situation?
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