Email from a young guy with a concern about HIV

When I woke up this morning, I lay in bed for a few minutes cuddling up to boyfriend P, but wondering what I should post on my blog today. So later when I found an email in my inbox from a reader wanting some advice, it seemed like an ideal choice. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I can’t quite remember how I stumbled upon your blog, however that is irrelevant, as it has been revolutionary for me. As a 19 year old closeted student I hadn't indulged in any form of intimate contact with men till a few months ago as I wasn’t 100% sure. It was your site that persuaded me to use Gaydar, and it has been so emancipating. Thank you.

After finding several people my age, amongst the waves of old men offering to bottom, I decided to meet with one guy. One thing led to another and, well, I ended up staying at his and we had a fun time. We have since met up several times and engaged in all but full blown sex. However I am fearful he is HIV positive. The reasons are:

• I have suggested anal sex several times, and he refuses to bottom as "he likes being in control" – ok that’s fair enough;
• I am happy to try bottoming and he always seems so nervous about doing so, and uses the excuse he is too tired;
• He's very slim;
• I nosed around in his medical cabinet nothing there, but he went to his studio to get medication; and was very coy about it;
• He’s asthmatic.

Since writing the above I feel somewhat pathetic coming to the conclusion I have, but I still have this underlying fear. So should I ask him, if so how? Would you still engage in oral sex if he was positive (very personal don’t worry about answering)?

Many thanks,

Doing anything in life carries some level of risk, from walking down the stairs in the morning, to participation in dangerous sports. Having sex with another guy carries a risk which lies somewhere in between those two extremes, because it's possible to pick up quite a variety of infections and diseases including HIV. These days HIV seems to be a manageable condition, however just because it isn't the assured death sentence that it was twenty five years ago doesn't mean it should be ignored. On the contrary, it's still incurable so it's important to avoid being infected if possible. For this reason, as I said a few months ago, when meeting guys for the first time I always ask about their HIV status.

Reading the reader's email, none of the reasons that he gives indicate that the guy is HIV positive. I reckon the only real suspicion arises from the fact that the guy is on medication for something that he hasn't disclosed, but of course he could be on medication for absolutely anything including his asthma if he gets it badly.

As the reader suggests, since they've now met up several times, if they're going to continue seeing each other I think it's reasonable to ask about HIV status. But the reader shouldn't make a big issue about it. Perhaps asking along the lines "By the way, I know you're taking medication for something, so I've been wondering about your HIV status … ?" would work without seeming unnecessarily intrusive.

Even if the guy thinks that he's HIV negative though, there's a possibility that he's actually HIV positive and doesn't know it. Apparently after being infected it can take up to three months for an HIV test to produce a positive result. So whatever the guy's apparent status, if the two of them start having full anal sex the reader should make sure that they always use condoms.

Regarding oral sex, although HIV transmission in that situation is much less likely than with anal sex, it's still possible especially if the guy doing the sucking has bad oral hygiene or bleeding gums. So I wouldn't advise sucking a guy who's definitely HIV positive, because I think the pre-cum of an infected guy does contain some HIV.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?