This is a subject which has been quietly sitting as a draft post in my blogger account for over two years now! Before my second ever 'Dear GB' posting, I had an email discussion with the guy who sent me the corresponding email. It was in my reply to his original email that I speculated that when it comes to the monogamy debate, perhaps the most relevant question is whether successful gay relationships start out as monogamous ones. Then yesterday, I got an email asking me a related question, namely do I think that it's possible for gay men to have a healthy monogamous relationship? My thoughts on these two questions are linked, so at long last that draft posting is finally seeing the light of day :-).
My answer to the question about gay men having healthy monogamous relationships is that "it depends"! But I'm prepared to be more specific than that :-). I reckon that short term monogamous gay relationships are very common. When a relationship is new, it's all exciting and there's no need to look elsewhere for anything.
However, the honeymoon period doesn't last forever and gradually things change. Lots of things change for the better of course, as the two guys grow more and more comfortable with each other. However one of the guys will typically have a higher libido than the other. Eventually, perhaps after many years, the guy with the higher libido is likely to feel the need for sexual excitement with someone other than his boyfriend. So I reckon that two gay men will only manage a very long term monogamous relationship if they both have low libidos, which is quite rare!
Indeed, when I meet guys from gaydar or wherever for a bit of fun, often they're guys with long term boyfriends and they're playing around with guys like me without their boyfriend's knowledge. That's why I've written so many posts saying that monogamy isn't a good idea. So many good guys with good relationships end up being dishonest with their boyfriends, and all because monogamy is the de-facto norm and so that's what they're expected to adhere to. The end result can easily be the destruction of otherwise sound relationships.
Going back to that two year old question which has been patiently sitting in my blogger account, when I opened the draft posting yesterday all it said was "I'm not sure", with a reference to the emails behind that that old 'Dear GB' posting. However, I think the answer is probably "Yes, successful gay relationships do start out as monogamous" :-). In the early stages of a relationship, which can last for several years, I think a guy can get everything he needs from his boyfriend. Furthermore that period is important, and probably necessary, to build the solid foundations which will allow the relationship to last. So successful long term gay relationships will probably be monogamous at the very beginning.
I guess this means that my "official" view on the subject of monogamy is being refined! Monogamy is great to start with, but don't expect it to last forever. The most important point is that no one can tell the future. A guy might *think* he wants to be in a monogamous relationship forever, but can the guy actually know that he'll always feel the same way? Of course he can't, things change! So to all the guys who're looking for their first boyfriend, and to the guys who're in the early stages of any relationship with long term prospects, if you think you want a permanently monogamous relationship please please bookmark this posting. Yes, you might always feel the same way, but lots of experience suggests that at some stage you or your boyfriend are likely to change your mind. Why should your relationship be any different to the norm? At some stage, the success of your long term relationship is likely to depend on how well you handle change. And if you accept now that just possibly such a change might occur, it'll be easier to deal with if and when it happens :-).
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