Monday, December 29, 2008

Email from a guy with relationship difficulties

Just over two weeks ago, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I have been reading your blog and I've wanted to write to you for advice but haven't had the chance. Now I am so heartbroken and I need a third party to tell me what they think I should do.

To start with, I am a 28 year old oriental guy living in NYC. I am working in the financial industry like you, but not a banker so my job is pretty safe in the current situation. Anyway, I am dating an American guy who is just over twelve years older than me. That is not an issue with me but the problem is that he is in a situation like you were before. He is living with his ex because the ex can't stand on his own feet. This is what he told me which I sort of believe. But the problem is that I really like this guy and I am the type of person who is really paranoid and needs to do things to confirm what he says. I feel like he is telling me the truth, because he even tells me that they sleep in the same bed, with one duvet but with a pillow in between them. They don't cuddle or kiss and those things. But how would I know. That makes me paranoid. And every time he comes over to my place he has to go home. If he stays he needs to tell his ex that he has an office function so that he has to go to a hotel or something. This makes me feel like he has to go home for his ex not to think that there is something going on. We spend a lot of time together though. He comes over after work if he is not going to the gym and he stays until around midnight, so he doesn't really spend time with his ex. Except when he gets home and his ex is there. On weekends, he wakes me up with a call and he comes over and we have breakfast then he goes home to do some stuff then we meet somewhere. This makes me feel a little bit confident about our relationship but still there are doubts.

Another problem I have is that every time I ask him what we are, he won't say we're boyfriends or in a relationship, instead he'll say that we are "dating". This makes me feel like he is not over with his ex, or that he is embarrassed by me. By the way, we started seeing each other last February. At that time I had just broken up with first bf who I was with for over 6 years. This guy that I am seeing has now been living with his ex for almost 7 years, but he tells me that they haven't been boyfriends for the last two of those years. What he told me was that they just fell out so they don't spend time together any more. I think he is in a similar situation to what you were before your ex moved out. But you could afford to buy your ex a house but my guy is not doing that well. I am happy to move in with my guy. We actually almost live together. But he won't take the risk. I don't think he trusts me that well yet, and he's lived in the same place for years.

Now I am sulking because I recently found out that he lied to me. He organized a party at the favourite restaurant of his ex in TriBeCa, I wasn't invited of course, and I asked him several times where this party was but he lied a couple of times. This really annoyed me off because the party was also on his ex's birthday. So I don't know whether the party was also a birthday party for his ex. I am really confused and need third party advice. I told him not to call me ever again when I told him that I know all about their party. I don't know if I was too paranoid in making some calls to find out if he was telling the truth, but the point is that he lied to me several times. I found out because I am just so resourceful. So I don't know what else he's lied to me about. This email now seems very long but I am having a drink with this and I just want to give you all the details. I am going to send this without reading what I wrote. Hope to hear from you and good luck! I really enjoy your blog and get excited when my RSS tells me there's a new posting from you.

Many Thanks,


The situation that this reader describes is indeed similar to the situation that I was in with boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S. Although I lived with ex-boyfriend S, I spent time with boyfriend P whenever I could. However there are some differences. I only started calling ex-boyfriend S an ex-boyfriend once he'd moved out of the house that we shared, whereas the reader's guy already calls the guy that his lives with his ex. Also, in my situation both ex-boyfriend S and boyfriend P knew of each other's existence, however it's not clear whether "the ex" knows about the reader or not.

My best guess is that the guy is fond of both the reader and his ex-boyfriend and can't decide which is more important. The reader faces the classic problem, being in love with a guy who's already got some kind of partner, so his hope is that the guy will eventually leave his partner and start living with him instead. The current situation is clearly unsatisfactory for the reader, so I think he should try and move ahead in two distinct ways. Firstly, the reader clearly loves this guy so I think it's worth trying to deepen the relationship with him. However, I think he also needs to start looking for someone else, in case the relationship with this guy turns out to be a dead end.

To deepen the relationship, it strikes me that the next natural stage would be to start meeting each other's friends and family. They've been "dating" for almost a year, so if this hasn't happened yet then it should start soon. In particular, if "the ex" who lives with the reader's guy is really now a flatmate rather than a boyfriend, then there's no reason why the reader's guy can't introduce the reader to him. If a meeting with "the ex" is initially too difficult for whatever reason, no doubt the reader's guy has other friends that he could introduce the reader too. In any case, if the reader's guy is telling the truth, two years should be sufficient time for "the ex" to have accepted the break-up and to have accepted that his former boyfriend will be looking for someone else. Indeed, one can envisage a situation where the reader is fully integrated into the guy's life as his new boyfriend, and where they socialise with each other's friends even though the guy still has "the ex" as a flatmate. The key difference between "fuckbuddies" and boyfriends is that one never introduces a fuckbuddy to one's friends, so the reader needs to get the guy to move beyond the fuckbuddy stage! However the reader must be aware that for the relationship with this guy to work, it'll be important for him to get along with all the guy's friends including "the ex".

In terms of looking elsewhere, I don't think the reader needs to break-up with his guy, or to start looking for a boyfriend behind the guy's back. Instead, there needs to be some kind of discussion between the two of them about the future. When I first got to know boyfriend P and regarded him as a part-time boyfriend, I would always encourage him to try and find a full-time boyfriend because I wanted him to be happy. We still saw each other when we could, but I was aware that the situation might change if he did find a full-time boyfriend. I think the discussion between the reader and this guy should be along the same lines. There's no reason to break their connection, but the guy needs to understand that the reader will be trying to find a full-time boyfriend, assuming that the guy himself isn't available. It'll be a difficult discussion, but open and honest communication is vital in any relationship, so whatever happens they need to be able to discuss these kind of matters if their relationship is to last.

One last thought is that the reader probably needs to relax a bit, and try and become a bit less paranoid. It sounds as though he's come a bit too clingy and needy, and that's never attractive. If he does ever start living with this guy, I get the impression that he'd constantly be worrying about where the guy is, and what he's doing. That won't work. Instead, the reader needs to reach a point where he's confident and happy about the pivotal role that he plays in the guy's life, so that he can let go of any anxieties related to the whether the guy loves him or not because he'll know for certain that he does :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?

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