Email from a guy with a crush on a guy with a boyfriend

About four weeks ago, I got the following email from another blogger:

Dear GB,

I am a fellow blogger and an avid reader of your blog. I have read many times your advice that you have dished out to fellow gayers. I thought maybe you could offer me some of that wisdom.

I have just got out of an 18 month train wreck of a relationship. The details I won't go into right now. A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party and there was an instant spark. He was smart, funny and attractive. He made it clear to me from the get go that he would like us to hook up. I liked him so I didn't shoot him down. It was only when he introduced me to another guest at the party that I realised they were a couple. Him and his boyfriend had seen me before and had discussed inviting me to a threesome.

I vetoed the idea because I was not sexually attracted to his boyfriend. However through out the party we kept sneaking off to chat and to kiss. The more I got to know him the more I realised I liked him. Not just sexually. He even called me after I left to tell me he enjoyed my company and that we should meet again soon. But he also made it clear that nothing would ever happen with us without his boyfriend's involvement. I was disappointed to say the least. He knows that I have this crush on him.

They guy is in his thirties and is a philosophy teacher. I am in my twenties. Ever since that night we have kept in contact via text message. The content is always ambiguous and only once or twice has he even mentioned his attraction to me. I can't get this guy of my mind. It's crazy because I don't even know him. I don't understand why he keeps up the contact but yet still makes it clear that nothing will ever happen with us. Well he says this but then will subtly mention us hooking up! He knows how I feel about him. Why does he want to prolong it? If nothing is ever going to happen then would it not be best to cut all contact. I cannot help but reply to his messages when he sends them. I get a little flutter when his name pops up on my phone!

I cannot continue this because it's driving me crazy.

Any advice?

Indeed, all the txt msgs must be very distracting so the reader clearly needs some kind of resolution!

In any situation like this, it's useful to try and work out where the other guy is coming from. From the information supplied, my guess is that the other guy is firmly committed to his boyfriend, with a relationship where they're allowed to have sex with other guys although only in each other's company. Actually, judging from the tenacity with which the other guy's been pursuing the reader, my guess is that they really enjoy having threesomes with other guys! I'd also guess that the other guy has picked up on the reader's strong attraction for him, and is trying to leverage off that to get the threesome he wants. He can smell the fact that the reader is very interested in him, so like any good hunter, he's after the kill! He probably is attracted to the reader, although probably no more than any of the other guys that he's talked into threesomes, and certainly nowhere near as much as the reader is attracted to him.

One course of action would be to try and break the connection. Just by failing to respond to his txt msgs and phone calls the other guy would lose interest eventually. A better way would probably be to ask him not to get in touch unless he's interested in a hook-up without his boyfriend. If the reader can be firm and clear enough about why he needs to break the connection, the guy should respect the reader's wishes. The only problem with this course of action is that the reader's attachment to the guy is likely to take a long time to fade. Which is why, if it were me, I'd follow the other course of action.

Even though I prefer 1-2-1's, I'd do the threesome just to see how it all turns out. Indeed, in a recent comment, LWW pointed out that I'm a bit like Oscar Wilde because I can resist anything except temptation! But for this reader, there are probably more good possible outcomes from that scenario that bad ones:

• If it goes badly, that'll probably cure the reader of his crush.
• Once the guy has had some activities with the reader, he may just add him to his list of conquests and then lose interest in him, leaving him in peace.
• In spite of the reader's indifference to the guy's boyfriend, during the activities he may discover that the boyfriend has hidden talents that make him a vital component of the experience.
• He won't have to live the rest of his life wondering "what if ...".
• It may turn out that the boyfriend just likes watching, and even if the reader thinks he doesn't like being an exhibitionist for another guy like that, he may discover that he actually really enjoys it.
• ...

Although it's true that one possible outcome is that it'll just deepen the reader's desire for the guy who's already made it clear that he's only available in conjunction with his boyfriend, I reckon there are many more scenarios where the result will be some kind of resolution and closure. In any case, if he really has got a very strong crush on the guy it probably couldn't get much worse anyway, so accepting the invitation and succumbing to carnal temptation won't do much harm!

Do anyone else have any useful thoughts for this reader?