The cop out

Just over a week ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've been reading your blog and came across your advice section. I also note some of your stories reflect some of mine. So I thought I might ask you for some advice.

I'm a 23 year old guy, not the best looking in the world but not ugly. I go to the gym regularly (to work out, not pick up! lol) and I'm academic and have what most would consider good prospects ahead of me. I don't mean to sound like I love myself, haha, just setting the context.

I've not long been out. Or I should say I'm still not! I have a close bunch of gay friends who I hang out with, and these are separate to my university friends. My family don't know, but that's a whole story in itself. I still go out on the scene occasionally, and I'm comfortable with it completely. I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder and I don't always care who sees me.

So I'm 23 now, which to most readers might seem young, but I've know I'm gay since I was 14, hence it's been quite a while now. My first encounter with a guy was when I was 16, and the next, which was a proper encounter, was at 18, so I've been at it for some time now. lol.

I need some advice...

This might sound pathetic, but in all my experience with guys, I find I never have trouble picking up, I just have trouble holding on to them! Several times now I've met guys who I've got on great with, and after a handful of dates, maybe a month or two of 'hanging out', they disappear! I always get the "it's not you, it's me" line and I'm finding it hard to believe now. How is it that every guy is wrong, and I'm perfect? It's just not possible, so I need to know what I'm doing wrong.

I need to give you some perspective, so I'll tell you about my most recent experience...

I met a guy one night when I was out in Soho. A policeman on duty, let's call him Sid for the sake of the story. I walked past Sid and his partner in their police van with my friends, and whispered that the policeman in the van was beautiful, but clearly straight. One of my friends, being a loud American, decided to announce my confession at the top of his lungs. So we went into the bar opposite to save me from my embarrassment, and when we came out, Sid and his partner were watching us, smiling. They hailed us over, and needless to say my American friend was there in seconds, telling Sid that I was interested. He laughed, and when I walked over I thought he could be nothing but straight. He was also very shy, which was extremely cute, and when we were left alone to talk for a minute his cheeks were red which was also very cute. But that was it. I, surprisingly confidently, asked for his number but he said he couldn't give it to me. Straight, for sure! So I said my goodbyes and took my friends and walked off.

We had just turned the corner at the bottom of the street, and arrived into the main busy stretch in Soho, when we heard a siren getting close. I turned around and saw a police van, lights and siren on, and the driver was hailing me to the side of the road. Bollocks, I pissed him off, I think and go to find out. Everyone in the street is watching at this point, and when I get to the van's window, Sid's partner explains that Sid is not allowed to give out his numbers while on duty. But there is nothing to stop Sid's partner from giving me the Sid's number! So he did, and Sid gave me a wink.

God I was so happy that night, I thought that was such a sweet, romantic move. Amazing. Lovely, beautiful guy, I thought. We spoke later that evening, and he came to see me while he was working the next evening. He told me he was going up north on holiday for two weeks, and that we should go on a date when he gets back. I agreed.

For the two weeks Sid was away, he called me every day, and I would text him probably just as much as he did! It seemed a bit odd to me, as we didn't really have much to say to each other, but it was nice. So the two weeks pass, and on Friday, we agree to go out the next evening.

Saturday afternoon comes and I haven't heard from Sid. I'm out with my friends at a bbq, and they all know that tonight is finally the night! Exciting. I text him to ask what the plan is, and two hours later still no reply. So I decide to call. I hear two rings, and I'm diverted! I try again. Same. And now I know something is wrong. I text again, saying I'm worried about him, and want to know he's ok, and he sends me back a message saying he's fine, and he's sorry. End of!

Two weeks of not hearing from him, despite texting and trying to call every now and then (much more than I should have done), I grew a little depressed. What on earth happened? That was all I wanted to know, and he would not answer no matter how much I asked!

After two weeks I grew frustrated and sent him a message saying that I hate how things turned out, and I want him never to get in touch again. Honestly, I was a little rude in it and told him he was not a man, but just a boy. So he replied, with a really obscene message, and I leave it at that. That evening he texts saying sorry, and that he's an idiot, and that I am a great guy. So I call him and he answers! He tells me the reason he went quiet is because us talking everyday was too intense for him and he didn't know how to handle it. Things were moving too fast for him. I was stunned during this conversation and said absolutely nothing. He didn't want to know how I felt, and wanted to talk about him and his feelings. I wish I'd told him I felt the same, and reminded him that I only ever called him twice in those two weeks. Anyway...

We tried being friends for the next couple of weeks, but he ignored me lots when I would text him, and finally I lost it. I told him how I felt, and how he never took into consideration how I felt when I was deserted without explanation. Nor did he take into account that I was crushed afterwards. I told him he should have and he seemed surprised at how I felt! Like he thought I was actually fine after it all happened.

It stopped there. I know not of him now.

I'm aware my email is dragging, but I just want some help. All my 'relationships' with guys end the same way. I always end up being ditched, or I just don't hear from them again. The only way this is different is that we never properly had a date, nor did we have sex.

I don't understand and it's getting me down. I've become horribly pessimistic about being gay and having a boyfriend, and I tell myself that I need to get used to being alone for the rest of my life. I'm 23 years old and should not think like this but I'm hurting and people have noticed how negative I've become about everything. I want nothing more than a guy to share my happiest moments with. What am I doing wrong?

Thanks for reading such a long and intense email.

Yours,

xxx

When I first read the email, I was impressed that the reader had been able to get the personal phone number of an on-duty policeman. It's a pity that he didn't meet up with Sid for a date, and it was certainly inconsiderate of Sid just to avoid contact with the reader instead of cancelling their planned meeting with a txt msg or phone call. However, my experience is very much that younger guys can be quite fickle like that, so the reader shouldn't get too upset about what happened.

Indeed, young gay guys can often have quite a lot going through their minds. On top of all the standard dating dilemmas that straight guys have, there are all the gay issues too. "Am I really gay, or am I just going through a phase?", or perhaps "I don't want my friends to know yet that I'm dating another guy", and so on. So I think it's quite normal that the reader hasn't had a long-term relationship yet. Until the young guys that the reader has been dating become more mature and start knowing their own minds better, they'll often change their mind about things, just like Sid did. My guess is that for some reason, perhaps because this reader is at a similar stage, he's particularly attracted to guys who're not yet sure about things in their own minds and so is particularly susceptible to receiving the kind of behaviour that he's been experiencing. I know many gay couples, but I only know of one gay couple that have been together since they were in their early twenties. So although there are guys that are lucky enough to find their long-term boyfriends that young, I don't think there are very many of them.

However, reading the email carefully, one thing strikes me about this reader namely that he's obviously quite an intense guy. For example, someone who says that they're "horribly pessimistic" about ever finding a boyfriend is surely overreacting given that they're only 23 years old. The reader also describes his email as "long and intense". So I think that the reader needs to learn to be less intense, or in other words to be cool, and to take things much more slowly.

With Sid, it sounds like they were both responsible for the over intense communication while Sid was on holiday up north. Even if it was Sid who was doing most of the calling, the reader was no doubt encouraging him to keep up the frequent communication. It would have been much better if the reader had played it cool and avoided the ridiculous situation where two guys who don't really know each other are keeping in contact every day. The reader describes it as 'nice', but I'd call it crazy.

So it sounds to me as though the reader needs to play by some kind of dating rules. Ex-boyfriend P always used to tell me that there were rules such as not contacting a guy for three days after a date, even if one had had a really good time and really liked the other guy. I've blogged about this before, with the conclusion that dating rules like that are designed for guys who're inherently uncool, to try and make them seem cool! But until this reader can learn how to be cool naturally, I think that he needs to follow these kind of dating rules to avoid taking things too quickly and to avoid seeming too intense.

So how does he learn these rules? One gay reader wrote to me a few months ago to say that his straight friends swore by a book called The Game. However, that book is all about the pickup, and this reader doesn't have a problem in that area. So a book like The Rules is probably more appropriate for this reader :-).

Does anyone else have any ideas for him?