Almost three weeks ago, I received the following email from a new reader who lives in Asia:
Dear GB,
Just bumped into your blog, just when I'm going through another cycle in life.
I'm 25, never been in a relationship, and not out. Recently there's a visitor from another office, and boy is he gorgeous. He's just graduated and I'm pretty sure he's straight because he talks about hot girls and so. We did not speak for a whole 1 month, because we were not introduced, until recently.
He is smart, witty, and funny. The ladies and girls surround him everyday. He was assigned to me to learn what we do, and ever since then we got closer. Last night, he even asked me out to watch a movie, but I go the feeling that he asked me because no one else (his two other regular female companion) would go watch a thriller. We did not go home together, but this morning, he told me I smell nice (???).
My problem would be, why am I being so sensitive to things like these? What could possibly happen, if anything would happen in another month, before he returns home for good and we'll never see each other again? Why do I keep falling for things like these? Why do I get jealous when I see him with other women/people? Kept telling myself this had happened before so many times in my life, why let this bend myself again? I started to stay away from him, even talking less but that did not help.
Is there any way we could be stronger to fend off people like these, because if we do not, we will only hurt ourselves in the end? I would always thought I could make it alone, but recently, the loneliness has begun to creep upon me. How am I ever going to survive alone like this, for another 30-40 years?
Upon reading this email, I felt a lot of empathy with the reader who sent it to me. I immediately thought back to the days when I used to 'fall in love' with my straight male friends. So I sent him a quick reply, telling him not to worry, and also to start thinking about what his life would be like if he was able to be an out gay guy, however impossible it seems at the moment. Within half an hour, he replied with the following:
Thanks GB,
I can certainly picture myself being out, but that is definitely out of the question; my parents are very conservative and I respect them a lot so I could never do anything that would hurt them.
Some people I know have asked me if I ever liked a girl and so, but I've been always beating around the bush, so hopefully they get it. But I've been always falling for straight guys. Maybe it's a sign, that I will never be able to have what I want.
I am very tired of being the 'nice' guy because people don't see it. Beauty IS skin deep; so deep that we need to reconstruct the externals so that it is reflected on the outside :)
I could give fridae.com a try, but I look forward to your reply soon.
I felt a bit happier when I received this reply because of what he said in the last line. He's clearly thought about his situation a lot, and deep down he knows what he's got to do, namely find a nice gay guy to have a relationship with!
Indeed, until he confronts his sexuality properly, he'll remain sensitive to this sort of situation, he'll continue falling for all the cute straight guys that cross his path, and he'll continue to feel jealous and hurt when he doesn't get the reciprocation he wants. There's nothing wrong with what he wants of course, but until he accepts himself, he won't allow himself to go and find it because that means looking for other gay guys!
This reader's email reminds me a bit of the email from a gay Chinese guy who feels he can't come out. Although this reader is suggesting that he'll just remain single, rather than marry to please his parents, many of the things I said in that post apply here. His relationship with his parents is likely to break down in the long term if he continues to deny his sexuality, which is bad for both him and his parents. On the other hand, if he eventually comes out to them, the relationship should end up being much stronger in the long term.
So where should this reader start? Firstly, I reckon he should seek out the company of other gay guys, both as pure friends, and also for intimate company. Given that he lives in Asia, fridae.com is probably a good place to start if he doesn't yet have any gay friends. Then once he's got a few gay friends, the next step will be to tell a few of his close straight friends that he's gay. It'll all seem impossible to start with, so he should take 'baby steps', just one little thing at a time. I remember that when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, and before I did either of those things, I used to look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror each morning and say out loud to myself "I'm gay". It definitely helped saying it out loud. Within a few weeks I was saying "I'm gay, and everything's going to be all right"!
One issue is the fact that the reader was attracted to a guy who was visiting from another office, which I think means visiting from another country. My concern is in case the reader, who's an Asian guy, finds himself particularly attracted to Caucasians. My own experiences suggest that this is much more common that is should be, a subject which was discussed in a post that I did back in April, especially in the comments. As a result of that post, one gay British guy who lives in the UK with an Asian partner emailed me saying that in his experience, Asian gay guys tend to repel rather than attract each other! If the reader is attracted much more to Caucasians, rather than other Asian guys, I'm not sure what he can do about it though. But he should be aware that he's got a lot of competition in that respect, and also that it's often the older Caucasian guys that tend to be interested.
In this respect, I myself try to have an 'equal opportunity policy'! Guys of all races are interesting to me as potential boyfriends, and I would commend this attitude to the reader. I also think that there are traits that are noticeable across guys of the same race, and in my experience it's the Asian guys that tend to be keener on monogamous relationships with other guys. Perhaps that will appeal to this reader? Very long-time readers of this blog may even recall me admitting when Reluctant Nomad interviewed me that if I was cruising online and a Caucasian and an Asian guy seemed equally interesting to me, then I'd try chatting to the Asian guy first rather than the Caucasian one!
In any case, these days closeted gay guys shouldn't have to look forward to a life of loneliness, it's really not necessary.
Do any other readers have any thoughts for this guy?
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