Email from a guy with relationship difficulties

Just over two weeks ago, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I have been reading your blog and I've wanted to write to you for advice but haven't had the chance. Now I am so heartbroken and I need a third party to tell me what they think I should do.

To start with, I am a 28 year old oriental guy living in NYC. I am working in the financial industry like you, but not a banker so my job is pretty safe in the current situation. Anyway, I am dating an American guy who is just over twelve years older than me. That is not an issue with me but the problem is that he is in a situation like you were before. He is living with his ex because the ex can't stand on his own feet. This is what he told me which I sort of believe. But the problem is that I really like this guy and I am the type of person who is really paranoid and needs to do things to confirm what he says. I feel like he is telling me the truth, because he even tells me that they sleep in the same bed, with one duvet but with a pillow in between them. They don't cuddle or kiss and those things. But how would I know. That makes me paranoid. And every time he comes over to my place he has to go home. If he stays he needs to tell his ex that he has an office function so that he has to go to a hotel or something. This makes me feel like he has to go home for his ex not to think that there is something going on. We spend a lot of time together though. He comes over after work if he is not going to the gym and he stays until around midnight, so he doesn't really spend time with his ex. Except when he gets home and his ex is there. On weekends, he wakes me up with a call and he comes over and we have breakfast then he goes home to do some stuff then we meet somewhere. This makes me feel a little bit confident about our relationship but still there are doubts.

Another problem I have is that every time I ask him what we are, he won't say we're boyfriends or in a relationship, instead he'll say that we are "dating". This makes me feel like he is not over with his ex, or that he is embarrassed by me. By the way, we started seeing each other last February. At that time I had just broken up with first bf who I was with for over 6 years. This guy that I am seeing has now been living with his ex for almost 7 years, but he tells me that they haven't been boyfriends for the last two of those years. What he told me was that they just fell out so they don't spend time together any more. I think he is in a similar situation to what you were before your ex moved out. But you could afford to buy your ex a house but my guy is not doing that well. I am happy to move in with my guy. We actually almost live together. But he won't take the risk. I don't think he trusts me that well yet, and he's lived in the same place for years.

Now I am sulking because I recently found out that he lied to me. He organized a party at the favourite restaurant of his ex in TriBeCa, I wasn't invited of course, and I asked him several times where this party was but he lied a couple of times. This really annoyed me off because the party was also on his ex's birthday. So I don't know whether the party was also a birthday party for his ex. I am really confused and need third party advice. I told him not to call me ever again when I told him that I know all about their party. I don't know if I was too paranoid in making some calls to find out if he was telling the truth, but the point is that he lied to me several times. I found out because I am just so resourceful. So I don't know what else he's lied to me about. This email now seems very long but I am having a drink with this and I just want to give you all the details. I am going to send this without reading what I wrote. Hope to hear from you and good luck! I really enjoy your blog and get excited when my RSS tells me there's a new posting from you.

Many Thanks,

The situation that this reader describes is indeed similar to the situation that I was in with boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S. Although I lived with ex-boyfriend S, I spent time with boyfriend P whenever I could. However there are some differences. I only started calling ex-boyfriend S an ex-boyfriend once he'd moved out of the house that we shared, whereas the reader's guy already calls the guy that his lives with his ex. Also, in my situation both ex-boyfriend S and boyfriend P knew of each other's existence, however it's not clear whether "the ex" knows about the reader or not.

My best guess is that the guy is fond of both the reader and his ex-boyfriend and can't decide which is more important. The reader faces the classic problem, being in love with a guy who's already got some kind of partner, so his hope is that the guy will eventually leave his partner and start living with him instead. The current situation is clearly unsatisfactory for the reader, so I think he should try and move ahead in two distinct ways. Firstly, the reader clearly loves this guy so I think it's worth trying to deepen the relationship with him. However, I think he also needs to start looking for someone else, in case the relationship with this guy turns out to be a dead end.

To deepen the relationship, it strikes me that the next natural stage would be to start meeting each other's friends and family. They've been "dating" for almost a year, so if this hasn't happened yet then it should start soon. In particular, if "the ex" who lives with the reader's guy is really now a flatmate rather than a boyfriend, then there's no reason why the reader's guy can't introduce the reader to him. If a meeting with "the ex" is initially too difficult for whatever reason, no doubt the reader's guy has other friends that he could introduce the reader too. In any case, if the reader's guy is telling the truth, two years should be sufficient time for "the ex" to have accepted the break-up and to have accepted that his former boyfriend will be looking for someone else. Indeed, one can envisage a situation where the reader is fully integrated into the guy's life as his new boyfriend, and where they socialise with each other's friends even though the guy still has "the ex" as a flatmate. The key difference between "fuckbuddies" and boyfriends is that one never introduces a fuckbuddy to one's friends, so the reader needs to get the guy to move beyond the fuckbuddy stage! However the reader must be aware that for the relationship with this guy to work, it'll be important for him to get along with all the guy's friends including "the ex".

In terms of looking elsewhere, I don't think the reader needs to break-up with his guy, or to start looking for a boyfriend behind the guy's back. Instead, there needs to be some kind of discussion between the two of them about the future. When I first got to know boyfriend P and regarded him as a part-time boyfriend, I would always encourage him to try and find a full-time boyfriend because I wanted him to be happy. We still saw each other when we could, but I was aware that the situation might change if he did find a full-time boyfriend. I think the discussion between the reader and this guy should be along the same lines. There's no reason to break their connection, but the guy needs to understand that the reader will be trying to find a full-time boyfriend, assuming that the guy himself isn't available. It'll be a difficult discussion, but open and honest communication is vital in any relationship, so whatever happens they need to be able to discuss these kind of matters if their relationship is to last.

One last thought is that the reader probably needs to relax a bit, and try and become a bit less paranoid. It sounds as though he's come a bit too clingy and needy, and that's never attractive. If he does ever start living with this guy, I get the impression that he'd constantly be worrying about where the guy is, and what he's doing. That won't work. Instead, the reader needs to reach a point where he's confident and happy about the pivotal role that he plays in the guy's life, so that he can let go of any anxieties related to the whether the guy loves him or not because he'll know for certain that he does :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?

Dilemma

When I met my colleague P and his boyfriend D for drinks last month, we all agreed that we'd go out for dinner together before Christmas. We also decided to invite W and his Polish boyfriend along too, because no one else had ever met W's boyfriend so we were all naturally curious to find out what sort of guy he is. Then, a week beforehand I realise that my colleague M would fit in with this crowd given that myself, P and W are all bankers, so I invite him along as well.

The day arrives and after work, I take a taxi with M to meet the others at the appointed venue, which a decent restaurant in Soho. On the way I tell M a bit about the other guys, so that he'll have an idea about who everyone is. But then a question occurs to me:

"If they ask, how shall we say that we know each other?" I ask. "It's clear that there's no way we could have met just from doing our daily jobs, let alone have worked out that we're both gay!"

"I'm not sure what's best," replies M, realising that we should co-ordinate our stories, "what do you think?"

"Well we could tell the truth if you like," I offer, "but perhaps it would be better to say that we met at the interbank drinks a few months ago instead?"

"Yeah, interbank drinks definitely!" laughs M, and it's agreed.

Everyone is pretty much on time. We have an aperitif in the restaurant bar, and later when we move to the table I end up seated in the middle with P's boyfriend D on one side, and M on the other side.

"There are a lot of countries in the world where we couldn't do this," starts M once we're all seated, "six gay guys socialising together openly in a smart restaurant!"

"Yeah, I think we could all be stoned to death in Islamic countries," says W.

"Actually," says M, "I've heard that in Islamic countries, if you're always the active guy you're not regarded as gay! You're just doing it for fun, because you don't have a woman or something!!"

"So, are you 'gay' GB?" D asks me quietly, while the others carry on talking about the attitudes that different religions have towards being gay. On several occasions D has tried to tempt me into getting to know him a bit better, but since he's P's boyfriend it feels inappropriate. I smile at him in a mildly disapproving way and carry on listening to the conversation about religious attitudes to homosexuality.

Later in the evening I end up chatting to D again while the others are talking about how good their respective mobile phones are at taking pictures.

"Actually my phone is quite good," says D quietly to me again. "Look, this is a great picture isn't it?"

I look at the picture that D's brought up on his phone and it's a picture of him, sitting there naked with a huge erection! I wasn't expecting that at all so I burst out laughing.

"What's that picture?" says P to D with a suspicious tone in his voice.

"Oh, just showing GB the pics that I took last weekend :-)," and indeed, when he turns the phone round for P to see it's a harmless pic of the two of them together in the countryside.

Everyone gets on very well and we spend almost three hours in the restaurant, chatting, eating and drinking. Eventually it seems like time to go and soon we're all saying goodbye to each other outside the restaurant and wishing each other Happy Christmas.

The next day though, I get a txt msg from D:

Hi GB nice seeing u last night .. Behave during Xmas . LOL . D

That's sweet, and mildly playful from him as usual, so I send him a playful reply:

Nice to see you too mate! Somehow I think it's you who are more likely to mis-behave than me LOL! Anyway have a good xmas, whatever you get UP to! GB xoxo

But his reply is a lot more direct that I was expecting:

You too .. Maybe we could mis-behave together one day xxx

Oh dear! The last time I met P and D I found out that D had fallen out with a close friend of P's in connection with D's activities, and the fact that D isn't monogamous seems to be a constant source of tension in their relationship. Everything tells me that I shouldn't get involved with D beyond the playful friendship that we've established, so I have to tell him that:

But I think that would make things too complicated! I don't want to fall out with either P or you. Anyway, I get the impression that your harem is quite full LOL. Stay safe, take care, GB x

D is an attractive guy of course, so surely he can find the fun he's after without needing to resort to seducing with P's friends and colleagues! Half an hour later D's answer arrives

Mm don't worry we wouldn't fall out ..x

but I don't respond.

It's a bit of a dilemma! Should I tell D that I'll never be available for any activities while he's P's boyfriend? Should I try and keep my options open somehow but without actually doing anything with him? Or should I take another course of action and hope that after a single session he'll be satisfied and then move on to focus on his next target? If any readers have any ideas on what I should do with D, please let me know!

Meanwhile of course, today is Christmas Day :-). The timeout with boyfriend P continues, so I'm spending it with ex-boyfriend S. He's an excellent cook so I'm very lucky :-). But anyway, wherever you are or whatever you're doing today, let me wish you a very Merry Christmas :-).

GB xxx

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all! Hope you have a great holiday wherever you are. I hope to be posting again regularly in the New Year. Until then have fun.
Jamie
xxxx

Beers with some straight guys

I can never decide whether it's better for one's banking career to try and stick with one employer, or to change banks regularly so as to keep in touch with the job market and ensure that one is properly rewarded for one's efforts. For much of my career I've followed the latter path, switching bank every few years. However I've noticed that sometimes the most successful guys are the ones that stayed with an early employer, building up their connections within the bank over the years, and sticking it out through the difficult situations that inevitably arise in the course of any long career.

Anyway, one of the benefits of switching employers regularly is that one builds up a network of contacts at other banks, so last week I went out for some beers to catch up with a couple of guys who I'll refer to as A and B that I used to work with in one of my previous jobs :-). We agree to meet in a pub not too far from The Bank of England after work. A is on his own when I arrive, half way through his first pint of beer, so I offer to buy him another one while I'm at the bar getting one for myself.

"Thanks GB :-)," says A as I hand him his pint, "so how's life treating you?"

"Well I've survived the recent cull :-)," I say, "but who knows what'll happen next year! How about you?"

"Did you know that I took voluntary redundancy last month?" replies A. "The bank seems to have decided to try and exit complex products as much as possible. I'm sure that they'd like to sell my old trading book if they can, but I doubt there'll be any buyers in this market!"

We chat about the markets for a while, and A tells me about all the problems that he experienced on his trading book over the year. It's interesting to hear about what's been going on, because although I was a trader for a reasonable portion of my career, these days I focus on other things. Of course, the original problems that caused the current financial crisis were in the sub-prime and then the credit markets, but the things that A tells me confirm that even in markets that are not directly connected to those areas there's been a huge increase in risk aversion. The result is poor liquidity which causes all trading books problems, whatever instruments they're dealing with. We're still chatting about the markets when B arrives.

"Hey, B, there you are :-)," says A when he spots B walking towards him. "Get me a pint while you're at the bar mate :-)."

"Errr OK!" replies B accepting the inevitable, "do you want another one GB?"

"Sure, thanks :-)," I reply, taking a gulp of the one I bought myself earlier to try and make sure that I don't slip too far behind.

"But if you end up out of a job, you'd be all right wouldn't you," asks A, once B's returned from the bar and replenished our glasses, "you don't have a mortgage any more do you?"

"Actually I do have a small mortgage now," I admit. "I split up with ex-boyfriend S earlier this year so I bought him a house to live in, because he wouldn't have had the resources to do that himself. So I took out a mortgage on my main house to help pay for it!"

"You did what?" replies A, with an expression of disbelief on his face, "Why on EARTH did you do that, mate??"

"Well, we'd been together for over eighteen years and it seemed like the right thing to do :-)," I explain.

"You clearly don't understand the point of being gay!"

"Which is ... ?" I ask, looking at B in case he can give me any clues as to what A's talking about.

"Which is that you can have as much sex as you want with as many people as you want, and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, and you certainly don't need to buy your ex-shags a house!"

"Referring to my partner of 18+ years as an 'ex-shag' is an interesting way of looking at things," I laugh, "but luckily I think I've got a better sense of perspective than you have mate!"

A's conversation is typical trader behaviour, pushing things too far to see how it feels, and to see what the reaction is. But I'm used to this playing around of course, so I don't let it bother me.

The evening continues in much the same fashion. It's good to see them both again and to hear their news. When I'm in this sort of company the beers slip down very easily, but after three or four more pints we're all feeling a bit hungry.

"Do any of you guys fancy getting something to eat?" asks A looking at the two of us. We both nod our heads eagerly.

"What shall we go then?" asks B.

"Well, a curry is traditional after all these beers!" I point out.

The tradition for straight British guys to go out and drink too much beer and then pile into an Indian restaurant to see who can eat the hottest vindaloo curry isn't one of the country's finest cultural achievements, but unfortunately after one has consumed too much beer it usually seems like a good idea! So we drain our glasses and head out onto the street to find a cab to take us to the nearest curry house.

During the course of our curry and lager supper, the conversation slips onto the subject of A and B's wives and children. I decide to test out my relationship ideas in a straight context to see what the reaction is.

"Tell me," I say while we're waiting for our main courses, having eaten all the poppadoms that we'd ordered, "if you continue to look after your wives and children and put them first all the time, would it really matter if you sleep around and have other women on the side?"

Luckily neither A or B have any food in their mouths when I ask this because they both erupt at this suggestion.

"Have you EVER had any relationship with a woman GB?" asks A immediately, "In fact, have you ever even slept with a woman??"

"Rude isn't he!" I say, talking to B and shaking my head.

"Basically, once you've had kids, marriage is WAR!" continues A, forgetting his two questions. "You both want the best for your kids, and it's great if you agree on what to do, but it's always a nightmare when you don't agree!"

"But why does that mean that you can't have a mistress?" I ask.

"Because she'd be seen as a potential threat to the marriage, and hence the future of the kids GB," answers A emphatically, "so I don't play around like that!"

"What about you?" I ask B, who'd been keeping rather quiet throughout this whole conversation.

"Um, oh yes, neither do I :-)," says B after a pause. However, something about his body language suggests to me that he might not be telling the whole truth! After all, I only wanted his opinion on the whole conversation, but it seems like his guilty mind focussed on the infidelity issue before finally summoning up the courage to deny everything!

It was a very enjoyable evening, although all the beer, lager and curry made me feel a bit tired the following day. Even if my relationship ideas don't appear very useful in a straight context, I reckon A's ideas about gay life are a bit warped too!

The post-orgasmic sensitive helmet phenomenon

Over the years that I've been meeting other guys for fun, I've noticed a couple of differences relating to the male orgasm. Firstly across guys of a similar age, some guys are able to cum very quickly if they want to, whereas other guys really need to build themselves up to it. For example, there's one young guy that I see sometimes who cums almost as soon as I get his clothes off, but I've been with other guys who're around the same age who need much much more attention.

Perhaps more interesting, however, is the issue of sensitivity to touch after orgasm. After they've cum, the helmet of some guy's cocks will suddenly become incredibly sensitive so that it's very painful for them to have it touched. With other guys however, myself included, there's not much difference before and after orgasm.

Just like the issue of the gay gene that I mentioned previously, it's interesting to speculate as to the evolutionary reason for the post-orgasmic sensitive helmet phenomenon. Is it simply meant to encourage guys to rest once the deed is done, and to save their seed for another occasion? Related to that idea, perhaps the idea is that the guy should move on and find another women to impregnate?

Another thought is that since the helmet is bound to be touched afterwards, for example on exit from one of the guy's partner's orifices, sexual activity for such a guy is presumably always expected to be accompanied by a bit of discomfort at the end. This surely acts as a deterrent to having sex, which strikes me as the reverse of what evolution would be trying to achieve? But maybe the sensation of the orgasm itself in such a guy is more intense and enjoyable to compensate?

It would have been interesting if I'd been keeping detailed records of the ethnic background of the guys that I've encountered who've had the post-orgasmic sensitive helmet, because my impression is that a lot of them have been east or south-east Asian. However, taking consistent notes on the sexual characteristics of the various men that I've had fun with over the years would have been a bit geeky. One can imagine the situation immediately after the finale:

"Ooooo, Arrgh," says the guy, accompanied by a sharp intake of breath, "Sorry! It gets very sensitive ..."

"That's interesting," I reply, reaching for my PDA, "where did you say you come from again?"

"Errr Singapore," replies the guy, relaxing a bit now after the event, "why do you ask?"

"Oh I'm just interested, don't worry," I reply, avoiding the question. But then I grab his helmet again, "And does that still hurt now?"

"ARRGH, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!!"

But of course, I'm not that weird! I don't take notes on this or any other phenomenon.

I guess I find the post-orgasmic sensitive helmet phenomenon interesting because I'm not one of the guys who experiences it to any significant degree. And if orgasms for guys that do experience it are more enjoyable, I guess I'm just a bit jealous!

A wecent twip to a westaurant

Back in April 2007, a guy calling himself Bwave Sir Wobin left a comment on one of my posts. When I looked at his blogger profile to find out who he was, I discovered that he'd just started a blog himself, so I left him an encouraging comment to welcome him to the blogging world. Since then he's left many insightful comments on my posts, and we've exchanged several emails too, so a few weeks ago we decided that it was time to meet each other face to face. Although as a rule I don't meet people who know that I'm GB, I do make exceptions for established bloggers when I've built up some kind of rapport with them over a period of time.

"Actually I know a nice restaurant near where you work," I tell him in an email, "so I'll make a reservation there. And it'll be my treat of course :-), don't argue on this one!"

On the agreed day, we confirm with each other in the morning by exchanging txt msgs:

So LWW, are you still on to meet up tonight? If so, see you there at about 7pm :-). Of course, you don't know what I look like, but since I've got your pic from that web site and you've got my mobile number we should be able to work it out! I suppose I could send you a pic, but then that would spoil the fun, wouldn't it! GB xxx

Within half an hour I get his reply:

Hi GB. 7pm at the restaurant it is! Let the mystery linger a wee bit longer. :-)

I get there first and I'm just checking that I don't have any pending emails or txt msgs on my PDA when Sir Wobin arrives.

"Over here LWW," I shout, "I'm over here :-)."

The guy whose attention I'm trying to attract turns round, in search of the voice that knows his name.

"Ahhh, so you recognised me :-)," he says, walking over to join me with a smile on his face.

"I'm just looking through the wine list," I say as he sits down next to me, "how about I get a bottle of eight year old grand cru Chablis as an aperitif?"

"Sounds good to me GB :-)".

I find a waiter and place the order, and while they're sorting it out for us, we start to get to know each other beyond what we say about ourselves in our blogs. The Chablis arrives while LWW is telling me about his recent holiday to Argentina.

"So did you get a chance to do any gay tango dancing while you were in Buenos Aires?" I ask, "they have regular events there every week organised by lesbians and gay guys, and the guys dance the tango with guys and the girls with the girls!"

"We didn't have time to look into that on this occasion," replies LWW, "but perhaps we'll have a go if we return :-)."

After about an hour the bottle of Chablis is almost empty and our table is ready in the restaurant, so it seems like time to have some food.

"Do you like red wine too?" I ask, once we're seated.

"Not as much as white," says LWW, "but I'm happy to try some if you like :-)."

"Actually I'm quite partial to it, so how about a light red wine?" I suggest. "I really love Burgundy which isn't usually that heavy, so it should be ideal if I can find a good one :-)."

We order the food, and I spot a Faiveley Latricières Chambertin on the wine list that should be ready for drinking so it seems like a sensible choice. With all the important decisions behind us we can relax.

"One thing that I've noticed is that you've got a link to some gambling web sites on your blog," says LWW a bit later, "are you a gambler?"

"Actually online gambling is a bit of a hobby of mine," I confess, "and one can get much better prices from web sites like Betdaq and Betfair than from high street bookmakers. Do you gamble at all?"

It turns out that LWW is a bit of a poker player, and he tells me something about his interest in this activity. We chat quite a lot about gambling, as described in LWW's posting about the evening so it seems unnecessary to repeat everything here.

Somehow we manage to drink almost the entire bottle of Latricières Chambertin before the main course arrives, so anxious to avoid a dry patch I ask one of the waiters to bring us a bottle of Batailley 1996 while LWW is visiting the gents.

"I hope you don't mind but since we've almost finished the Burgundy I've asked them to bring us a mature claret to accompany the main course," I admit when he returns, "I hope that's OK?"

"No complaints so far, GB!" he replies smiling at me.

Later, after we've finished our main courses, LWW receives a txt msg.

"It's from the husband :-)," he explains, looking at his phone, "he's just wondering if I'm having a good time."

"Let me send him a reply!" I suggest, "He knows you're with me this evening doesn't he?"

I type something into his phone, press 'send', and hand the phone back.

"That's no fun," laughs LWW reviewing my txt msg, "you've said you'll return me to him 'undamaged'!!"

Looking back at the evening, I must confess that beyond the first glass of claret my memory about what we talked about isn't quite as solid as for the first part of the evening, and the half-bottle of Coutet 1998 that we had with the dessert only made things worse! I probably told him all my darkest secrets, and he probably told me all his secrets too! However, one thing that I can remember is that it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening. I certainly hope to meet him again in the not too distant future :-).

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Charity suggestions welcome again

This year, like last year, a bit of an excess has built up in my account with the Charities Aid Foundation. Since it's almost Christmas again, I reckon that now is a sensible time to empty the account and give the money to good causes :-). Last year there was an excess of £1.6k, and taking into account the suggestions that I got from readers, £400 was donated to each of The Terrence Higgins trust, Crisis, The Albert Kennedy Trust and Action for blind people. During the course of 2008 I've sponsored a few more friends than last year, so this year there's only an excess of £1.3k. None the less, if any readers wants to make sensible suggestions in terms of who to give some money to then I'll try and take their thoughts into account. All suggestions welcome, as long as they're registered UK charities :-).

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CUMPILATION - 10 MASSIVE CUMSHOTS

Not me. But I love the last one!

I'm back

Sorry for the lack of posts this past week or so. Kim surprised me with a week away in the sun and I couldn't refuse. One of the perks of her job!

Timeout

I think I've been quite lucky with some of the characteristics that I've inherited from my parents. Lucky, because I reckon I've ended up with my father's brains and my mother's sunny disposition. Although my father is a clever guy, he's got a significant depressive streak in his personality. On the other hand, although my mother isn't academically strong, she's a sensible and kind woman who always looks on the bright side of life. Indeed, if forced to take all characteristics from one parent, I'd go for my mother's characteristics every time.

So I don't expect my current sadness to last. For a few days last year, I felt almost overwhelming sadness when I finally realised that my relationship with ex-boyfriend S was irretrievably broken. This time though, the sadness relates to boyfriend P.

I didn't blog about it at the time, but last summer an opportunity arose which might have allowed me to get an investment banking job in the city where boyfriend P works.  Unfortunately the global financial crisis put a stop to that, so I've been hoping that perhaps boyfriend P could move to live in London with me. Indeed, over the last year or more he's given me many signs that he might be able move to London one day. After our recent trip to Asia together, I thought that  everything was good between us.  However, now that ex-boyfriend S is out of the way and moving to London has actually become feasible, boyfriend P is no longer sure that it's such a good idea for him.

After a lot of discussions about our future, a couple of days ago we agreed a "timeout" so that we'll take a break from each other and discuss everything again in January. This means that we won't be with each other for either Christmas or New Year :-(. What's more, when we do discuss everything in January, it's clear that we might split up :-((.

If that does happen, at least I know that with my mother's cheerful outlook on life, the resulting sadness and depression won't last. Then, eventually I guess I'll be looking for a new boyfriend. Preparing myself for the worst, I think I've got lots of characteristics that other guys might find attractive :-), although I do have one skeleton in my closet. In the wake of the global financial crisis, my current job is in an area that lots of guys might regard as extremely unfashionable!

Do successful gay relationships have to start out as monogamous?

This is a subject which has been quietly sitting as a draft post in my blogger account for over two years now! Before my second ever 'Dear GB' posting, I had an email discussion with the guy who sent me the corresponding email. It was in my reply to his original email that I speculated that when it comes to the monogamy debate, perhaps the most relevant question is whether successful gay relationships start out as monogamous ones. Then yesterday, I got an email asking me a related question, namely do I think that it's possible for gay men to have a healthy monogamous relationship? My thoughts on these two questions are linked, so at long last that draft posting is finally seeing the light of day :-).

My answer to the question about gay men having healthy monogamous relationships is that "it depends"! But I'm prepared to be more specific than that :-). I reckon that short term monogamous gay relationships are very common. When a relationship is new, it's all exciting and there's no need to look elsewhere for anything.

However, the honeymoon period doesn't last forever and gradually things change. Lots of things change for the better of course, as the two guys grow more and more comfortable with each other. However one of the guys will typically have a higher libido than the other. Eventually, perhaps after many years, the guy with the higher libido is likely to feel the need for sexual excitement with someone other than his boyfriend. So I reckon that two gay men will only manage a very long term monogamous relationship if they both have low libidos, which is quite rare!

Indeed, when I meet guys from gaydar or wherever for a bit of fun, often they're guys with long term boyfriends and they're playing around with guys like me without their boyfriend's knowledge. That's why I've written so many posts saying that monogamy isn't a good idea. So many good guys with good relationships end up being dishonest with their boyfriends, and all because monogamy is the de-facto norm and so that's what they're expected to adhere to. The end result can easily be the destruction of otherwise sound relationships.

Going back to that two year old question which has been patiently sitting in my blogger account, when I opened the draft posting yesterday all it said was "I'm not sure", with a reference to the emails behind that that old 'Dear GB' posting. However, I think the answer is probably "Yes, successful gay relationships do start out as monogamous" :-). In the early stages of a relationship, which can last for several years, I think a guy can get everything he needs from his boyfriend. Furthermore that period is important, and probably necessary, to build the solid foundations which will allow the relationship to last. So successful long term gay relationships will probably be monogamous at the very beginning.

I guess this means that my "official" view on the subject of monogamy is being refined! Monogamy is great to start with, but don't expect it to last forever. The most important point is that no one can tell the future. A guy might *think* he wants to be in a monogamous relationship forever, but can the guy actually know that he'll always feel the same way? Of course he can't, things change! So to all the guys who're looking for their first boyfriend, and to the guys who're in the early stages of any relationship with long term prospects, if you think you want a permanently monogamous relationship please please bookmark this posting. Yes, you might always feel the same way, but lots of experience suggests that at some stage you or your boyfriend are likely to change your mind. Why should your relationship be any different to the norm? At some stage, the success of your long term relationship is likely to depend on how well you handle change. And if you accept now that just possibly such a change might occur, it'll be easier to deal with if and when it happens :-).

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More on how gay relationships should be constructed

Last January, I wrote a post about how gay relationships should be constructed which suggested a model for gay relationships which doesn't assume monogamy. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I still feel that monogamy isn't necessary as long as there is a sound basis for the relationship. Part of the reason for mentioning this again is in response to the first comment on my last posting.

Reading the post from last January again, I still can't fault it. The idea that I was trying to convey is that if all interactions are good between the two guys in the relationship, it really doesn't matter what happens when they're not together. For the interaction between them to be good there would need to be mutual support, lots of companionship (i.e. a strong interest in each other's lives), so that they're always each other's top priority :-). That's the best succinct definition of mutual love that I can devise on a Sunday afternoon! However it's vital that the guys in the relationship are each other's top priority. It's when either of them have other priorities that relationships fail, whether it's work commitments or other friends or lovers.

The fact that that kind of relationship is incredibly hard to find is why it doesn't matter whether they have sex outside the relationship or not. Once the relationship is established, the idea that anyone would abandon such a loving environment because they had some good sessions with another guy is ridiculous. However appealing another guy might be, leaving a functional relationship to take a chance on whether the other guy might be even better would be incredibly risky. In any case, the other guy would be foolish to enter into the relationship, because someone who leaves their partner in such a situation can't be trusted.

One final thought is that if two guys want a monogamous relationship for whatever reason, the monogamy bit needs to be in addition to the mutual love and support that I've described above. After all, I don't think it would make sense for a guy to say "My boyfriend doesn't really care about my life but at least I know that he's not sleeping around"!

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Catching up with my colleague P

It had been quite a long time since I'd been out after work in the evening to catch up with my colleague P, so last week we decided to go together to the drinks event for gay guys who work for banks in London. It turned out that P's boyfriend D was also free that evening, so even though he doesn't work for a bank we take him along too.

"Let me get a decent bottle of red Burgundy for us to drink," I say once we've found a table to occupy at the drinks venue, "I know that if I lose my job I probably won't be able to afford it any more, but until that happens I'd rather drink good wine if possible :-)."

"Thanks GB," says P, "but please don't be too extravagant!"

Ignoring P, I ask one of the waiters to bring us a reasonable looking 1999 Volnay premier cru from a top négociant, before settling down to chat to him and D.

"So have you guys been up to much recently?" I ask.

"Well a few weeks ago," starts P, smiling at me, "we saw my friend XXXX that you met a couple of years ago :-)."

Glancing at D, I realise that suddenly he looks distinctly unhappy, which wipes the smile off P's face as soon as he notices.

"Yes, … , well," continues P, acknowledging the situation, "D and XXXX seem to have fallen out :-(."

I can see that it's a difficult subject for them, so I start talking about something else. But later in the evening, when P is talking to another gay colleague, I manage to ask D what the problem is.

"Well GB," begins D quietly, so as not to attract P's attention, "when we visited XXXX, he asked me what I'd been up to recently, while P was out buying the Sunday papers. So I told him that I'd had a little fling with this older guy, it wasn't anything serious, the older guy was a married man who'd only recently realised that he was gay and he needed a bit of support. Actually I haven't seen him for ages now. Anyway the following week, XXXX called P and they went out for a drink together, and XXXX told P all about this other guy :-(!"

"But why on earth did you tell XXXX in the first place?" I ask, feeling that D only has himself to blame.

"Anyway, P then confronts me," continues D, ignoring my question.

"But he knows that you sometimes play around a bit doesn't he?"

"Yes I suppose so, but he doesn’t like it much. But he was livid that I'd told XXXX about it!"

"So why did you tell him?" I ask again, hopeful of getting an answer this time.

"Well, I'd had a little *fun* with XXXX too, ages and ages ago now," answers D sheepishly, clearly regretting the incident, "so I guess I thought I could talk to him about these things. Actually I said to P 'I bet XXXX never told you about the time we he had sex with me'! So I never want to see XXXX again, now I know that he breaks confidences like that :-(."

At this revelation, I only just manage to suppress my desire to burst out laughing, because it's sounds exactly like an excerpt from a farce! None the less, it's an unfortunate incident, and is clearly a point of contention between the two of them. But perhaps P just needs to relax a bit? D always seems very committed to P, so it would be a pity if some irrelevant sex gets in the way of their relationship.

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Lunchtime at work today

I was beginning to get accustomed to the fingers and actually started to enjoy his entry. He slowly pulled out his 3 fingers then spit on his hand again to help lube his cock. He was oozing precum and rubbed his hand over his cock, spread my buttocks apart and aimed his wet moist penis at my anxious hole. He was gentle at first and I felt the opening of my anus accept his cock. It still stung but I was determined to let him enter me slowly. He moved in closer, spread my cheeks, and pushed in some more. I felt it started to slide in. I tried to relax and then I felt his cock enter my tight anus.

It hurt like hell at first. I wanted to change my mind but slowly his big cock moved into me. It still hurt but it was going in easier than I thought. I felt full. He let out a grunt and moved all the way into me. I gasped and felt like I had to go to the toilet. He paused to let me get accustomed his big cock, then he started moving in and out of my ass. It started to feel good. I bent over the urinal and parted my butt cheeks to give him full entrance to my body. I was his to use, and it felt strangely good.

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This guy is hot!!

Sunglasses

While I was on holiday with boyfriend P recently, I needed to buy a new pair of sunglasses. The sunglasses that I'd been using for the last couple of years had in fact belonged to ex-boyfriend S, and naturally he'd taken them with him when he moved into his own house. So while we were in Singapore on the first leg of the trip, we found a little shop with an extensive range of sunglasses and I started trying on a few different brands.

"Do these sunglasses protect from both UVA and UVB?" I ask the shop assistant while looking in a mirror.

"Hmmm, I don't think those really suit you," interrupts boyfriend P, handing me another pair, "how about these?"

I try on a few different styles with varying degrees of success.

"I guess these are all made from some tough kind of synthetic material," I say, "but I wonder how scratch resistant they are! Sometimes I can be a bit clumsy, so ideally I need them to be very durable."

"Good idea," replies boyfriend P. "But I wonder, perhaps a squarer style of lens would suit you better."

We look at a few more pairs and I think I find some that I like. Good protection, durable, and they seem to suit me too. So I buy them :-).

"You know," says boyfriend P afterwards, "it was fascinating how you were so focused on the practical aspects of the sunglasses."

"Well of course!" I laugh, "there's no point if they look good but don't work well as sunglasses. Were you just worried about what they looked like?"

"Well all the sunglasses in the store would probably work OK, but finding the ones that look best is always a real challenge! Just a different approach I guess."

Thinking about it afterwards, it's fascinating how we had different priorities. Indeed, I can't help wondering whether guys that make the best boyfriends for each other are ones who provide each other with complimentary points of view like that!

Just got up

Well its 2.30pm Sunday and I've just got up. Kim and I have been in bed since yesterday after I posted about the weather. We've slept, fucked, lay, watched some TV and eaten. I've cum 5 times and I lost count of Kim. Great way to spend a cold weekend!

Bathroom Floor Wank

Britain braced for an icy blast from the Arctic Circle

Just read this in today's newspaper. Kim and I are seriously thinking of just staying in bed all weekend as we don't want to go out in the cold!

This weekend is a time for thick pullovers and woolly hats as a taste of winter spreads over much of Britain. Raw winds sweeping down from far inside the Arctic Circle, even from the North Pole, will send a collective shiver through the country today, with heavy snowfalls in Scotland and parts of East Anglia.

The Met Office says that conditions will deteriorate further tonight as a mass of sub-zero air advancing from the north collides with warmer, heavy rains from the west. That clash will send widespread snow showers across Scotland and from the Welsh Borders eastwards.

An even bigger threat tonight is a rare and dangerous phenomenon known as an ice storm. This could lay down a treacherous covering of ice on the roads and anything else it touches. As cold Arctic air slices under warm Atlantic air, it will pour with rain that will not have time to turn to snow because the cold air is shallow. It could remain as freezing rain that turns to ice when it touches frozen objects such as roads and trees. Ice storms in Canada and the US are at times so savage that trees and pylons snap under the weight of the ice.

The menace that we are more likely to face is black ice - an invisible coating that can turn roads into skating rinks. Fortunately, most of the snow and ice will melt during tomorrow morning but there is more bad news on the horizon. The cold spell looks likely to persist next week and possibly well into December because of a blocking weather system.

Britain is caught in a titanic struggle between a big block of high pressure anchored in the mid-Atlantic and low pressure lying over Scandinavia. Vigorous jet-stream winds a few miles overhead have developed a kink in their tracks that has trapped the high-pressure system in a vice-like grip.

So are we heading for a bitterly cold freeze this winter? Records show that a cold November is no guarantee of a freezing winter. Three years ago a bitterly cold second half of November had no ill effects on the following winter and there have been many similar cases. Simlarly, some warm Novembers have been followed by bitter winters, as happened 80 years ago. The latest Met Office seasonal forecast still predicts a milder than average winter, although not quite as mild as last winter. There could be more cold snaps but there will be bouts of milder weather too.

Forecasters will be focused on a see-saw in Atlantic pressure systems between lows over Iceland and highs over the sub-tropical Azores. When these pressure systems become more extreme, Britain gets milder and wetter winters. When the see-saw eases off, it brings big freezes.

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Alex - the cartoon on stage

Last year I did a posting about the Alex cartoon. As I said last year, Alex is an old favourite of guys like me who work in the investment banking world in London. Anyway, the Alex stage play is now back in London for just 4 weeks, from 25th November to 20th December, and if any readers who live in London want to go and see it a 10% discount is available. This offer was sent to me by the play's producer, no doubt as a result of the friendly treatment that I gave Alex in my posting last year. So, in case anyone's interested, details are as follows:

Where: Leicester Square Theatre, 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX
When: Monday to Saturday at 7.30pm, Fridays also at 4.30pm
Economy Seats: £12 and £29.50
Business Class Seats: £45 includes a glass of Moet & Chandon, Souvenir programme and specially designed seatcover!
Youtube promotional video: click here

SPECIAL OFFER: Call 0844 847 2475 and quote ‘Megabank’ or visit www.ticketweb.co.uk and enter ‘Megabank’ as the promotional code for a 10% discount on all tickets until 6th December

More sex education!

Kim and I tried this position last night

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I stumbled across this guy on XTube. He's absolutely hot and it looks so spontaneous. This is what he says about these clips:

It was one of those nights when you feel so horny and you go out. You meet a nice guy at the club and you two dance all night, grinding into each other... You really wanna take the boy home with you and just as you're getting ready to make an offer - his boyfriend says hello! And the two leave. You go home empty handed and just wanna have a quick relief... ps. I knew I was gonna cum a lot so I got my camera ready. It's 5 clips 30 sec each due to camera limitations. Thanks for your feedback boys - it's the first time ever I'm doing this!