"I'll probably be seeing my friend P for lunch today," I tell boyfriend S one morning last week, "so I think I may as well tell him that we're buying a house for you, and that we'll end up living separately."
"OK sure," replies boyfriend S, looking a bit uncertain, "and what will you say if he asks ... "
"... if he asks whether this means that we're not going to be boyfriends any more?" I say completing boyfriend S's sentence for him. Boyfriend S nods. "Well, I'll tell him that it simply means we're buying a house for you, so that we can live separately, end of story :-)!"
"OK great," says Boyfriend S smiling now, "I just wondered!"
Around mid-morning I get a txt msg from P checking that I'm still available for lunch, so I reply immediately to confirm. Over lunch, I keep trying to find an appropriate opening in the conversation to tell P about boyfriend S, but I find it really hard. It reminds me of the feeling that I used to get years ago when I was unable to find the right moment to tell someone that I was gay! Eventually though, P asks about boyfriend S so it's now or never:
"Actually we've decided to live separately going forward, so I'm buying boyfriend S a house to live in nearby," I tell P, trying to sound calm as I get the words out.
"Oh really?" says P looking mildly surprised. "But you'll obviously still be boyfriends right! I guess that makes sense, you obviously need your own space because you've been taking all those holidays on your own. Anyway ...", and he starts talking about something else.
So although this is huge news in my mind, P hardly reacted at all! Just like when a guy comes out as gay to one of his friends and they tell him that they worked it out ages ago. I decide that now isn't the time to tell P that in fact I haven't been taking holidays on my own, and that I've been going on holidays with another boyfriend (South America, Bahamas, Argentina etc)!
When boyfriend S does move into his own house it's bound to mark a huge change in our relationship with each other, although I'm sure it's the right decision. One of the issues that I mentioned in the Dear GB posting that I wrote for myself last year was the fact that boyfriend S's mental health was deteriorating quite badly. However, since that low point he's recovered significantly, and I'm sure the improvement has a lot to do with the independence that he'll be gaining from owning his own home.
But how will I live my life in future? Although I like the idea of deepening my relationship with boyfriend P (who's a different guy to my friend P), boyfriend P doesn't live in the UK which is obviously sub-optimal unless one of us relocates. Boyfriend P also continues to go on dates with other guys, saying that what he really wants is to find is a nice guy who's also looking for a committed monogamous relationship. Of course, I reckon that gay relationships don't have to be based on monogamy! But one thing that myself and boyfriend P do share is a desire for kids, because at this stage in my life I'm definitely keen to become a father if possible.
Over the last few years, the whole situation with boyfriend S has been a bit traumatic. Still, whatever happens going forward I can't help thinking that the next few years of my life are likely to be more interesting than the ones in my recent past. And once I get over the shock of the separation with boyfriend S, hopefully they'll be more enjoyable too :-).
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