Dear GB,
I have been a regular reader of your blog for about 2 years now and have been meaning to write and ask for your advice for quite some time. But, as is ever the way, I have always had 'something else to do' i.e. avoid confronting the issue that I want to ask about. I really like your impartial, non-judgmental advice which helps people to find a way out of whatever their problem may be, without prescribing a fixed course of action.
So what's the issue? Well it is this: I would love to find a boyfriend, The One (TM), if you see what I mean. (This was what I initially wrote but as I re-read, what I actually want is to find myself first as I think this is necessary before finding a bf - see below).
I suppose you need some context now, so I will try and provide it here in a nutshell. I am a 34 year old guy who is fully out, not in a flag-waving way, but out to family, friends and colleagues. They are all OK with that (except, perhaps, my father but that's par for the course I think) and so am I. I am pretty successful at what I do as a Financial Controller for a media firm based in Central London and I enjoy it. So far, so good. I am member of a gay sport club in London and really enjoy that for the people that I have met there and also the occasional activities as you call them! I keep myself in good shape - I ran the London Marathon this year for the 3rd time - and have also been told that I am fairly good looking.
In terms of relationships, I was with my last (and only long term) partner for about 3.5 yrs - we split up 2.5 yrs ago and nothing remotely serious since. So I think that most of the boxes have been ticked from any initial questions that you may have.
So why the lack of a significant other?
The answer in all truth is that deep down I don't think I am that interesting and if I was to meet someone nice it would be a complete fluke rather than me being a genuinely nice guy who deserves to meet someone special. I am also really bad at having friends with whom I make an emotional connection (but I do have a broad circle of friends so am not a loner).
So to sum it up, really it is a case of low self-esteem. But due to a public school education and unemotional parents, I am now so adept at covering things up that I am becoming further and further removed from my emotions.
When I first moved up to London after university I masked these feelings of insecurity through going out and taking drugs and drinking; not to the point of having a serious problem but have now moved onto exercise as the come-downs weren't worth the highs. In my mind therefore, in order to find a boyfriend, I need first to learn to like myself. So really the question is that - how do I get to like myself as I am, GB?
If you say that I should seek therapy then I agree with that but how does one go about finding a decent/trustworthy therapist? Do you have any specific recommendations? That said, it feels rather self indulgent to seek therapy when there is nothing really wrong. I think it would be fair to say that from the point of view of an outsider looking in, my life is pretty good. I don't have £40k to spank on new clothes every season (as per the 'crise existentielle'), but I am not on the bread-line by any means. So how do I get rid of this annoying feeling of slight emptiness and lack of emotional connections with those around me????
I have just re-read this and it seems rather rambling and self-indulgent but I hope that you will get a sense of my situation and what I am asking you.
Basically, I want to like myself, and I know that I have everything in place that means my life is fine so why can't I just get on with things and enjoy them. Is it mild depression? What are the concrete steps that I can take to resolve the situation?
When I received this email, I sent the guy a quick reply with a suggestion for a therapist in case he wants to do down that route, however I'm not sure that it's the best course of action.
Before addressing the main issue, the reader mentions the concept of "The One", and it's worth saying that I think this idea is a bit dangerous. If "The One" just means one's current boyfriend then that's fine, but if it means that there's just one guy out there somewhere and who's the perfect match then I strongly disagree with the concept. For that reason I was worried when ex-Boyfriend P used to use the term, but when he helped me respond to a "Dear GB" email last year, I was relieved because he qualified it by saying "there are many The Ones coming into our lives".
Instead of "The One", I reckon looking for a boyfriend is more like shopping for clothes. There's a huge selection of clothes in the shops that fit us, and even when one filters out all the clothes that don't suit our style, there's still lots left. Often one can't find exactly what one's looking for so one settles for something that's close enough, and shortly afterwards it might become one's favourite after all. Similarly an item might seem perfect in the shop, but when one gets it home one might notice flaws, or perhaps it'll wear out much too quickly! The point is that there are many clothes that could work for us, and I think it's the same with boyfriends :-). The important thing is to choose something to wear and try it out, rather than engaging in an endless search for the perfect item.
Regarding the reader's main issue, I think he's right that he needs to like himself and be comfortable in his own skin before it's sensible to look for a boyfriend. In which case, for building self-esteem, since he seems settled in most aspects of his life I can think of no better way of doing this than finding ways to help other people somehow. Since he's a marathon runner perhaps he already raises lots of money for charity through sponsorship, however if not perhaps he should be doing that.
Another idea would be to give up some of his time to do charity work.
One possibility would be to do some work for London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, which I believe is always looking for new volunteers. However, there are many different charities that need volunteers, including other gay oriented ones as well as many more charities that don't have anything to do with sexual orientation. Of course, the catch is that this won't solve his problem unless he does it because he really wants to help others. If it's in the back of his mind that he's only doing it to help build his self-esteem, then his true selfish motive could doom the project to failure.Do any other readers have any ideas for this guy?
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