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Self-actualization

While I was writing the 'Dear GB' response to the 'Email from a gay guy who works in the City', I got a bit of a shock. As I said in that response, I learned a bit about Maslow's hierarchy of needs during one of my management training sessions a few years ago. It was a one-to-one coaching session, and my coach didn't go into any of the details, but I learned enough to realise last week that Maslow's concepts could be relevant to the situation of the guy who sent me the email.

It was while I was looking up the details of the Maslow heirarchy on wikipedia that I got the shock: Maslow's description of self-actualizing people fits me perfectly. And I don't mean that the description fits me a bit, or that I've got a lot in common with some of the characteristics, I mean that I strongly identify with all the characteristics in a very profound way. It was really scary. Running through the headline characteristics from wikipedia, self-actualizing people:

(1) Embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them. Indeed, I've often mentioned in this blog how hard it is to be honest with oneself. I usually mention this in connection with recognising that one is gay, but of course the idea goes much deeper than that. Anyway, as a result of my coming out experience, plus everything that's happened since then, I like to think that I'm much better at this than I used to be.

(2) Are spontaneous in their ideas and actions. Occasionally I think my spontaneity is almost childish, although I'm not sure how much this comes through in the blog.

(3) Are creative. I posted about this subject quite recently.

(4) They are interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key focus in their lives. Problem solving is a core part of my work life at the bank. But it was when I read the phrase "… often includes the problems of others" while working on a 'Dear GB' post that I realised how much all this applied to me. Recently I had been thinking how bizarre it was that through my 'Dear GB' postings I'd become an agony uncle, because I don't have any background in this area, quite the opposite in fact. But suddenly it all makes sense in the context that I've evolved into a self-actualizing individual.

(5) They feel a closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life. The fact that I feel that I have more than one boyfriend is a perfect example of how I feel very close to other people. But I think other people sometimes feel it too when they meet me. Only recently a guy that I met told me in an email, after meeting me for the first time, how surprised he was when he looked back on the evening. He said that he'd told me things about his personal life that he'd previously only told people when he'd got to know them very well!

(6) They have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority. The best recent example of this is the way I feel about looking after boyfriend number 1 if we end up splitting up. I'll do it because it's the right thing to do, not because anyone else thinks I should.

(7) They have discernment and are able to view all things in an objective manner. I hope and feel that I'm objective, and I also feel that these days I'm much better at being objective than I used to be, however confirmation of this characteristic really needs to come from other people.

The wikipedia article goes on to list the tendencies of self-actualizing people in four categories, namely Awareness, Honesty, Freedom and Trust. This post is very self-centred on my part, and hence probably getting a bit dull, so I'm not going to run through all the characteristics listed in those categories. But a couple that do deserve a mention, being a bit different to what's been said above, are:

(8) Freshness of appreciation. Another web site said that an example of this is "never tire of seeing a golden sunset". I identify with that, as well as never tiring of seeing the beautiful willow tree that's planted near where I live, even though I see it every day. Or feeling immense pleasure recently from the colours of the autumn leaves against a fresh blue sky on my way to the gym every morning before work – well, every morning when there's been a fresh blue sky at any rate! And so on.

(9) Resistance to enculturation - identity with humanity. One example of this is when I think of the horror and pointlessness of war :-(. Every time I do, it brings tears to my eyes. Every time.

How did all this come about? I'm not sure. I think five years ago I had some of these characteristics, but not as strongly and nowhere near as many as I do today. I think that blogging has definitely pushed me in this direction, because it's given me an outlet for creative writing, and has become a way for me to try and solve other people's problems through the 'Dear GB' postings.

Because I identify so strongly with all of this, I've started worrying about whether knowing that I fit into this category will affect the important self-actualizing characteristics. For example, whenever one has reached an opinion about something, however certain one feels, it's always healthy to have some doubt in the back of one's mind. Knowing that I'm meant to have good objective judgement because I'm a self-actualizing individual might diminish the residual doubt, which would be a bad thing. Forewarned is forearmed though. On balance, I reckon the more self-knowledge that one has the better.

But it's still very scary for a couple of reasons. It was certainly scary feeling that I was reading about myself, with additional paragraph that I read revealing something else about me that I knew was true. But it's also scary because wikipedia says that "self-actualization is reaching one's fullest potential". Another web site says "[Self-actualization] is not the same thing as personal growth or self improvement, both of which imply movement from a lower state to a higher state. Self-actualisation is the higher state". So if I've already reached my greatest potential, that suggests that from here things can only get worse :-(!

I think this blog has a reasonably wide readership, including a tiny number of people that I've met, together with a few more people that I've corresponded with via emails. So if anyone has read this far, I'd like to know you think. With the evidence presented above and throughout this blog, does anyone think that I might actually be one of these 'self-actualizing individuals'?

A fucking helicopter!

Email from a gay guy who works in the City

About two weeks ago, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

Could I please trouble you for some help? I am a young gay man. I have been comfortable with, and exploring, my sexuality for around 3 years now. My introduction to the gay world has been a whirlwind of depraved encounters interspersed with the occasional romance.

I am a reasonably attractive man. Sex with good looking guys is freely available to me. I have a well paid job in the City. I am respected by my friends (of which there are enough to keep my social calendar busy) for my intellect and value. I live in a town house in London by myself, which I own personally courtesy of a trust fund that feeds, together with my salary, an indulgent lifestyle; I enjoy dining in the finest restaurants, and consider some of London ’s finest bars everyday waterholes.

I am growing increasingly tired. My life would be perfect by many people’s standards. I had a charmed and privileged upbringing, and setting aside my "general neurosis", which I do not consider to be that remarkable, I think I am relatively "issue" free, at least as far as the average Londoner goes.

I consider myself to have been completely single for at least six months. By that I mean that not only am I not seeing anyone regularly (except, perhaps, for a couple of casual sex and conversation buddies, who I have no particular attachment to beyond their convenience), no particular individual has any pull on my heartstrings.

After much deliberation, I do not really think I am longing for anyone new in my life either. I enjoy my personal space, and when the next casual sex encounter or buddy has gone, I feel a great sense of pleasure in having my personal space back.

I have countless projects in my life. I do, truly, enjoy work. But, if I am honest, I do sometimes wonder if it is much more than a social club to me.

Do you have any advice for curbing my decadence and finding some meaning and purpose?

PS I have recently become one of your new readers. I enjoy your blog very much

A lot of the 'Dear GB' emails that I've posted relate to gay or relationship issues, but this email is a bit different. Rather than asking about a particular part of his life, I reckon the young reader who sent me this email is actually asking about the direction of his whole life.

By co-incidence, I was recently reading an article called 'Danger: riches ahead' in Intelligent Life magazine, a sister publication to The Economist. The article is all about how much money rich parents should leave to their children, and it quotes Andrew Carnegie as having said "I would as soon leave my son a curse as the almighty dollar". The fact that the reader has a trust fund feeding his lifestyle suggests to me that the reader's rich parents have taken the opposite view!

With the reader's comfortable lifestyle assured, I started thinking about the Maslow Pyramid, which is something I learned about during one of my management training sessions a few years ago. I reckon the reader is about half or maybe two-thirds of the way up the pyramid. He may have a few of the attributes at the middle level and the level above that, but not all of them. Moving to top level of the pyramid, Maslow says that self-actualizing people:

• Embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them
• Are spontaneous in their ideas and actions
• Are creative
• Are interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key focus in their lives
• Feel a closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life
• Have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority
• Have discernment and are able to view all things in an objective manner

At university and through my work, I've met a lot of people that have come from privileged backgrounds, but they don't usually have any of those attributes.

I reckon that working out how he can progress up the pyramid will be the key for him to find meaning and purpose in life. Thinking about the 'Esteem' level of the pyramid for a moment, he may have the respect of his friends, but my guess is that he doesn't in general have the respect of others. It's hard to respect people from privileged backgrounds if they've always had a relatively easy life. And if he's had an easy life, it will also be hard for him to give other people who've had to earn everything they've got the respect they deserve.

Although he says he's got countless projects, I somehow doubt that any of them are sufficiently difficult that his involvement will end up commanding significant respect. If that was the case he wouldn't have sent me the email. But one way to earn respect is to consistently complete DIFFICULT projects, in any area of endeavour. Difficult here means in relation to his abilities and resources, on a relative scale, not an absolute one. A crippled person managing to climb up some stairs for the first time deserves as much respect as an athlete winning a race.

Another possibility is to somehow become more altruistic. Although I've never met any of them, I know that some very rich people find fulfillment this way. Even if he's not rich enough to be able to sacrifice his career, his email implies that he is rich enough to devote some of his energy in this kind of direction. The best fictional example of someone for whom this worked is the Charles Dickens character Ebenezer Scrooge. I don't think that the reader is at all like Scrooge, but in the context of Maslow, with the help of his ghosts I think Scrooge did reach the top level of the pyramid. Maybe the reader is already involved in charity somehow, but it doesn't help him if in reality it only corresponds to a small percentage of his resources.

My boyfriend number 2 is always keen on good karma, and the more I find out about that concept, the more I agree that it's important. In the context of Maslow, good deeds on a regular basis will help the reader move to the hierarchy (and vice-versa for selfish actions).

It was Peter Parker (aka Spiderman!) who said "With great power comes great responsibility". Even if the reader's resources aren't that great, it's clear from his email that he his resources are way above average, especially given his age. So whether he likes it or not, he has a responsibility to make the most of them.

Do any other readers have any thoughts to help this guy?

Catching up with my friend P

I hadn't seen my friend P for a few months so it was good to hear from him when he phoned me last Friday lunchtime.

"Hi GB," says the voice on the other end of my phone.

"Who's this?" I ask, not recognising his voice.

"It's P here, you bozo!" says P, offended that I couldn't tell who he was. "What are you doing at the moment? I've just moved into my new office and it's just round the corner from yours! Wanna meet for a coffee or something?"

"Really? Just round the corner?" I say, "Where are you exactly?"

P gives me the address and it is indeed very close to the bank that I work in. I'd originally been planning to visit boyfriend number 3 over lunch, but he'd called a couple of hours earlier to postpone for a few days. So as a wholesome alternative, meeting P for a coffee seems like a nice idea :-).

"You're lucky," I tell P, "because there's a small window in my diary round about now! Shall we meet in, say, 30 minutes?"

It turns out that P needs to be back in his new office around that time in case his new boss calls, so we end up agreeing that I'll visit him there.

"Can you pick up some coffees and cakes for us on your way round to visit me then GB?" asks P, looking for a small favour.

"OK sure," I reply, "but you'll never keep your cute lean figure if you get your friends to feed you cake all the time!"

Half an hour later and I'm seated opposite P in a small office on the eighth floor of an impressive new building that seems to be built almost entirely of glass.

"Good view from here isn't it," says P looking lecherously out at the guys in some of the other offices across the internal atrium, "Look at all those horny young blokes I can see from here ..."

"But what on earth is this new job you've got?" I ask feeling a bit confused, because P doesn't seem to have any colleagues to share his smart new office with him.

"Well, I'm the first UK employee," says P mysteriously. "I was in Moscow recently meeting the other employees. My boss now wants to expand the business into the UK, and it's up to me to build up the UK client list. If I get a few big accounts signed up over here, I should do very well if they go ahead with the IPO next year :-)."

"And you're going to do all this on your own?"

"I'll probably hire a pretty young twink to sit over there early next year," says P pointing behind me to the only other desk in the room. "After all, I can't rely on you to look cute and bring me coffee all the time!"

Asking a bit more about the firm that P's just joined, it turns out to be an Internet/telecoms oriented company. It all sounds very plausible, apart from the fact that the company is based in Russia!

"Yeah, the reason they've managed to get this far is that their cost base is so low over there. They pay their local employees virtually nothing!"

"Anyway, my boss has just asked me to book him a hotel in Dubai," he continues, "because he's having to stop off there on his way back from Jakarta and he doesn't trust any of his Moscow employees to sort it out for him at such short notice! What do you think of this one?"

He beckons me round to look at the hotel web site that he's got up on his computer screen. But when I look at the web site, I spot the icon of another web site minimised along the bottom of the screen.

"Errr, should you be cruising on gaydar during office hours?" I laugh, "you're not going to be find many UK clients for them like that!"

"But there's not much else for me to do at the moment!" says P defensively. "They've got to get their own web site sorted out before I can start selling. I told them what I wanted when I was over there recently meeting them all, but they haven't done it yet."

"Hang on, I just want to check something," he says suddenly, pressing a button on his phone to make a call.

"Good afternoon," says an efficient sounding female voice over P's speakerphone, before giving the name of P's new company, "Who can I put you through to today?"

"Oh sorry," replies P with a satisfied tone in his voice, "wrong number!"

"She's one of the receptionists downstairs that let you up here to see me," explains P, "and she got it right too, she said exactly what I told her to say. Even though she knows it's just me here!!"

I get the impression that P is trying to impress me for some reason, but in any case, this shady new job seems to suit him. It was interesting to see him in his new office on his first day, making excuses for being logged into gaydar, and seeming to spend more time gazing at the other male occupants of the building instead of working on finding clients for this new company. None the less, I hope he does well. I know from recent conversations with him that he's got huge debts, so he needs to succeed at something like this to keep all his creditors at bay!

Email about gay marriage in the UK

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from a gay guy who's interested in marrying his boyfriend:

Hi,

Greetings from Singapore.

First of all, I want to say that reading your blog is bliss. Thanks for all the sharing, some of which can be inspiring for me. Anyway, I would like to seek your advice on gay marriage.

My bf and I are planning a 2 week trip to Iceland next year. Tentatively, we planned to transit either in London or Paris, or if not a city that we have never set foot in, Copenhagen. I was toying with the idea since we are going to travel so far to the west, I might as well seize the opportunity to get married in London, giving my bf a big surprise.

Can you refer me a website that specifies details (including legal implications) on gay marriage registration in London? What is the address? Do you happen to know which other European cities that allow gays to register marriage?

Thanks! Hope to hear from you soon.

I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why.
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie.

Interesting poetry at the end, although I'm not sure I understand it!

Anyway, "gay marriage" in the UK is called "Civil Partnership", and I found the following two useful web sites about it:

• The UK government's web site
• A web site created by a UK law firm

Note in particular the Residency requirement, because it says that

You can register a civil partnership in England and Wales as long as you have both lived in a registration authority for at least seven days immediately before giving notice of your intention to register the partnership.

However I had thought that it was necessary for one of the guys to be, if not a UK citizen, then a citizen of an EU country. But citizenship doesn't seem to be specified.

To check on this, I emailed the law firm that set up the civil partnership law website that I mentioned above, but they never replied. I couldn't help wondering why they bothered to put up that web site, as an advert for their expertise, if they're not going to respond when it creates an enquiry. So perhaps for legal advice it's best to look elsewhere.

Anyway, I know that there are a few lawyers who read this web site so perhaps they know the answer to this? Or do any readers have any information on gay marriage or civil partnership elsewhere in the European union?