Thanks

Thanks to Candyboy for his comments and asking if I'm OK. Its good to know that there are people reading my blog who care. I'm fine - I just have been busy with work these past few days. Its Saturday morning here and its a fine day outside. Kim's just away shopping and when she's back we're off to enjoy the sun!

Email from a guy who's confused by gay culture

A few days ago, I received an email from a reader wondering whether he's gay or not. The email was as follows:

Dear GB

Sorry to bother you with another familiar situation but I need help and so here goes...

I'm 33 y/o and though straight, always knew a part of me was gay but refrained from acting on it since life seemed so much less complicated that way. But with life passing by, thought I would explore the other side - but to no avail! Tried one of the gay websites but all the talk of tops and bottoms and versatiles (and other undecipherable stuff) puts me off. I don't think I like anal intercourse (turns me off) though I like body contact and the rest. I'm confused now - am I gay or not?

Thought I could first just try out lighter stuff, but gay culture seems so intimidating - am afraid I would be laughed off if I suggested it. Besides, never been able to make contact with anyone in the first place. Am quite ok looking (slim and take care of myself) and find it surprising when I read your blog and see so much going on. Can you suggest something where I can meet someone for just some light fun? I'm based in central London and am not out (as yet) so putting an ad on gaydar is not an option. Looking forward to hearing from you

Regards

I imagine it took quite a bit of courage for the reader to send me that email, so I'm not at all sorry that he's "bothered me" as he puts it!

I don't think I've ever said this before so I'll say it now. In my opinion, being gay has nothing to do with what kind of sex a guy may (or may not) like with other guys. Instead, it's got everything to do with what gender a guy feels like sharing his life with, who he wants to cuddle up to in bed on cold winter's nights, and who he wants to wake up with in the morning. When I was finally able to be brutally honest with myself, which took many years, I didn't suddenly realise that I was gay because I wanted to put my tackle into another man's rectum! It was the idea of close permanent companionship with another guy that I wanted. Coupled with that, I also thought that the idea of naked body contact with other guys was appealing, and I felt that mutual masturbation might be good fun too :-).

It's clear to me that a guy who thinks like I did, and wants to do those kind of things with another guy, is probably gay. Such a guy may never have much in common with the kind of gay guys that live their lives soaking up the highly sex-oriented gay "culture" that the reader finds so intimidating, but that wouldn't mean that the guy isn't gay!

To answer the reader's question, since he's based in central London I think one of the best things he could do would be to visit London Friend. In fact I've recommended London Friend before, but I have no hesitation in recommending it again. In particular they run a discussion group called Turning Point, which describes itself as being for "... men of all ages, backgrounds & origins who are gay/ bisexual or feel they may be". Judging from the reader's email, I think that description fits him perfectly. He may be gay or he may not be, but London Friend will help him work that out. Additionally, because there'll be other guys there who are just as curious about light fun as the reader is, it would be surprising if he wasn't able to find a guy there to play with :-).

I also don't think that the guy should give up with online cruising web sites such as gaydar. Although he's worried about creating a profile because he's not out as a gay guy, there's no requirement to have a picture on one's profile. In terms of success in finding another guy for fun though, pictures do help, even pictures which don't show one's face. Presumably none of the reader's friends or colleagues would be able to identify him from a picture of his body, even in the unlikely circumstances that they found his profile. In fact gaydar allows users to mark their profiles as 'Private' which means that the profile is excluded from all searches. The only way to find a 'Private' profile is to know the profile name, although if the guy goes into the chat rooms his profile name will be visible and in those circumstances other guys will be able to click on his profile name and bring up his profile.

It's true of course that a lot of guys on gaydar talk the language of tops and bottoms which the guy has no interest in. However I have seen guys publically advertising in gaydar chat rooms for other guys to visit for wank sessions, circle jerks and so on, so there's no doubt that light fun is available via that route. However, I can understand his reluctance to ask for that because so much of the chat on the open channel in the chat rooms is top/bottom oriented. None the less, as a concrete example the guy who I met after the lengthy courtship only wanted light fun, and it was via gaydar that we got in contact with each other. When it finally happened, very enjoyable light fun it was too :-).

Hopefully the reader will be able to find a guy to help him explore his curiosity via either London Friend or gaydar. But do any other readers have any other ideas for him? Although I don't usually do this, on this occasion I am prepared to forward to this guy email offers from other London based readers to participate in light fun, should anyone be so inclined?

Going in for a dip

The Ultimate Sports Fantasy

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Jackin' In The Dorm

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Jules et Jim

Last weekend, I went to see the classic old French film Jules et Jim. It's a black and white film with English sub-titles, originally released for cinema viewing in the UK back in 1962, but for some reason it was re-released again here recently. Set before and after the first world war, the plot revolves around a love triangle between the two main straight male characters Jules and Jim, and a woman called Catherine.

Although both men love Catherine, it's amazing how cool both of them are about the situations that develop as Catherine marries one of them and generally sleeps around with the unmarried friend as well as a few other men. Jules, the guy who marries Catherine, has an exceptionally pragmatic attitude towards his wife's infidelity. Throughout the film, the friendship between Jules and Jim is never in any doubt, surviving all the romantic turmoil over the years as Catherine becomes increasingly unsettled.

The closest parallel to my own life would relate me to Catherine, Jules to boyfriend S, and Jim to Boyfriend P. Some some things are very different though, because whereas Jules and Jim were firm friends, Boyfriends S and P have never met. None the less, I hope that I don't follow the same path that Catherine did in the film, because it wasn't a happy ending :-(.

Given that this film is around fifty years old, the big question left in my mind now that I've seen it is why western society hasn't become more relaxed about infidelity? Particularly for gay relationships, how has this absurd idea of monogamy taken hold? If boyfriend S had been as cool as Jules was throughout the film, when I told boyfriend S about boyfriend P, life over the last few years would have been much easier for all of us and especially for him!