Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Flopping out of your speedos
Has this ever happened to you? You're sitting on the grass near the waves, minding your own business when your friend yells "dude! dude!" and then takes a picture. Not sure why, you look down to see if there's something on you or if you got sunburned and when you look down you see that your cock has tumbled out of your speedos
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Guess her muff?
Ever see a clothed woman and wonder what her cunt looks like? Is she shaved or natural? If so, then Guess Her Muff is a great blog for you. The free site publishes fully clothed amateur shots featuring women of various attractiveness, then a click through link showing the woman's pussy. The blog description reads as follows:
I don't know if there is a similar site for guys - maybe Guess his Cock? Wouldn't mind starting something like that here so please send me two photos - one of a guy wearing clothes and the other of him naked.
"Do you think you can guess how a babe keeps her muff based on her how she dresses? Does your co-worker's carpet match the drapes? Is that geeky girl in your class secretly a sex kitten who shaves her twat bald? The answers might surprise you."
I don't know if there is a similar site for guys - maybe Guess his Cock? Wouldn't mind starting something like that here so please send me two photos - one of a guy wearing clothes and the other of him naked.
What is the biggest soft penis you have ever seen?
For the past few weeks I have regularly seen this guy in the gym locker room; he must be at least 7" flaccid. The first couple of times he wore his boxers to and from the showers (one day they were on inside out). But now he just strips and walks to the showers letting his cock swing around!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Email from a gay guy accused of sexually harassing a woman
A couple of years ago, just after I'd introduced the "Dear GB" queue in this blog's right hand side-bar, I got an email that was much more urgent that the entries that were in the queue at the time. On that occasion I allowed a bit of "queue jumping" and posted the email with my response almost immediately. Since then, however, I haven't let anyone jump the queue!
But yesterday, a long time reader who's emailed me privately on countless occasions send me a request for advice which does seem more urgent than the other two requests that are sitting in my "Dear GB" queue. Given the urgency of his situation, coupled with the fact that this guy has been emailing me since July 2006, I've decided to allow a bit of queue jumping again. So with apologies to the two guys who he's jumping ahead of, this is the email that I received from this reader yesterday:
Dear GB
I've got the mother of 'high-maintenance' female employees to manage. To be blunt she is an unhinged, calculating, scheming woman. I don't use those words lightly. As with many companies, turnover is on the decline, and she knows her job may be at risk as she's smart enough. Last week she lodged an official grievance against me. Some 59 issues raised including racism (she's not British) and SEXUAL harassment being just two of the most hostile.
Following lengthy interviews with her, my Managing Director now finally believes this to be a calculated attempt to undermine me and oust me from the company, therefore enabling her to take on my job. All staff who've been interviewed report my impeccable behaviour concerning racism and those who work in my immediate office area have on record stated the sexual harassment charge allegation is just ridiculous and without any substance. The company are now trying to find a way to 'manage' her out of the business as soon as possible without further costly claims.
Should I just 'out' myself to quash this vile accusation?
Naturally, I sent this reader an immediate reply, in which I included the following paragraph:
I think you should come out if you don't think it would damage your career. Indeed, it's possible to relax and hence perform better at work when one isn't hiding one's sexuality. But you don't need to come out to everyone, well not at first anyway. You could just tell your immediate boss. In fact, given that you are gay, I'm sure he'd be very interested in the news because it could help the firm strengthen it's legal case in connection with his woman, if it were to get that far.
About two and a half hours after I sent that reply, I received the following response from him:
GB
Thanks for your most speedy response. I'm wouldn't say I'm hiding my sexuality. Just not relevant to my work and has never been a topic of conversation in the workplace:) Small company - I'm one of the few white collar suits amongst the blue collars. I keep things formal as the guys on the factory floor like that. They enjoy telling me filthy tales when I'm handing out pay advice notes etc. I listen and smile politely :)
Do I have to provide evidence concerning my sexuality? Sworn testaments, stash of porn etc? I don't see my sexuality as a clear cut issue to be honest. First and foremost I'm just me and by the way I like guys if you must know sort of attitude. The woman has really been driving me mad for months. Every word I've exchanged has been guarded.
GB, my mortgage depends on you :) I trust your judgement to flesh out the topic etc.
I'm not a lawyer, but my guess would be that one only needs to provide proof of sexuality if the case were to go to court, and if the other side of the case were to dispute the fact. However, I have no idea what would be acceptable proof. I find the idea that a big stash of gay porn could be used to prove that one is gay rather amusing, but at best, I'd have thought that that could only be circumstantial evidence. My guess would be that testimony from any of the reader's boyfriends or gay lovers, coupled with the inability of anyone to find any girlfriends would presumably be sufficient.
Given that the grievance has 59 issues, it would be inadvisable just to focus on the sexual harassment charge. Judging by his manager's reaction so far, it seems that he's likely to survive this, however he mustn't become complacent. So rather relying on the advice of friends, bloggers, and blog readers, perhaps the best course of action would be to find himself a lawyer who's an expert in this field!
Do any other readers, particularly lawyers, have any thoughts on this situation?
But yesterday, a long time reader who's emailed me privately on countless occasions send me a request for advice which does seem more urgent than the other two requests that are sitting in my "Dear GB" queue. Given the urgency of his situation, coupled with the fact that this guy has been emailing me since July 2006, I've decided to allow a bit of queue jumping again. So with apologies to the two guys who he's jumping ahead of, this is the email that I received from this reader yesterday:
Dear GB
I've got the mother of 'high-maintenance' female employees to manage. To be blunt she is an unhinged, calculating, scheming woman. I don't use those words lightly. As with many companies, turnover is on the decline, and she knows her job may be at risk as she's smart enough. Last week she lodged an official grievance against me. Some 59 issues raised including racism (she's not British) and SEXUAL harassment being just two of the most hostile.
Following lengthy interviews with her, my Managing Director now finally believes this to be a calculated attempt to undermine me and oust me from the company, therefore enabling her to take on my job. All staff who've been interviewed report my impeccable behaviour concerning racism and those who work in my immediate office area have on record stated the sexual harassment charge allegation is just ridiculous and without any substance. The company are now trying to find a way to 'manage' her out of the business as soon as possible without further costly claims.
Should I just 'out' myself to quash this vile accusation?
Naturally, I sent this reader an immediate reply, in which I included the following paragraph:
I think you should come out if you don't think it would damage your career. Indeed, it's possible to relax and hence perform better at work when one isn't hiding one's sexuality. But you don't need to come out to everyone, well not at first anyway. You could just tell your immediate boss. In fact, given that you are gay, I'm sure he'd be very interested in the news because it could help the firm strengthen it's legal case in connection with his woman, if it were to get that far.
About two and a half hours after I sent that reply, I received the following response from him:
GB
Thanks for your most speedy response. I'm wouldn't say I'm hiding my sexuality. Just not relevant to my work and has never been a topic of conversation in the workplace:) Small company - I'm one of the few white collar suits amongst the blue collars. I keep things formal as the guys on the factory floor like that. They enjoy telling me filthy tales when I'm handing out pay advice notes etc. I listen and smile politely :)
Do I have to provide evidence concerning my sexuality? Sworn testaments, stash of porn etc? I don't see my sexuality as a clear cut issue to be honest. First and foremost I'm just me and by the way I like guys if you must know sort of attitude. The woman has really been driving me mad for months. Every word I've exchanged has been guarded.
GB, my mortgage depends on you :) I trust your judgement to flesh out the topic etc.
I'm not a lawyer, but my guess would be that one only needs to provide proof of sexuality if the case were to go to court, and if the other side of the case were to dispute the fact. However, I have no idea what would be acceptable proof. I find the idea that a big stash of gay porn could be used to prove that one is gay rather amusing, but at best, I'd have thought that that could only be circumstantial evidence. My guess would be that testimony from any of the reader's boyfriends or gay lovers, coupled with the inability of anyone to find any girlfriends would presumably be sufficient.
Given that the grievance has 59 issues, it would be inadvisable just to focus on the sexual harassment charge. Judging by his manager's reaction so far, it seems that he's likely to survive this, however he mustn't become complacent. So rather relying on the advice of friends, bloggers, and blog readers, perhaps the best course of action would be to find himself a lawyer who's an expert in this field!
Do any other readers, particularly lawyers, have any thoughts on this situation?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Another enjoyable trip to Paris
Back in January when I was in Bangkok, while I was visiting the gay spa called Babylon, I met a nice reliable guy called C who lives in Hong Kong. He recently came on a trip to Europe, so we decided to meet in Paris and spend a long weekend together there. Even though I went to Paris to meet W back in February, and then again in March with T, I think Paris is a beautiful city so I'm always happy to visit for short breaks :-).I take the train, arriving just in time for me to go out to the airport and meet C off the plane. It's great to see him again, and even though we've previously only spent a handful of hours in each other's company, we don't have any trouble establishing a rapport again. We take a taxi into central Paris and soon we're checking into the hotel together.
"I think I'm in room XX," I say to the cute hotel receptionist, "is it ready for us?"
"You always have that room don't you!" he replies, reaching across to get the key for me. He glances sideways and looks C up and down, before handing me the key with a big smile on his face.
"For the receptionist to say that you must have had this room several times before," remarks C as we make our way to the room.
"I guess I've just gotten into the habit of taking guys that I like to Paris and staying with them in this hotel room," I reply, grinning at him and rubbing him affectionately on his shoulder.
"And how many guys would that be?" laughs C, clearly happy that I've confirmed that I like him.
"Well, I don't think I should tell you all my secrets straight away!"
While we're unpacking our bags we decide that it would be interesting to visit Musée d'Orsay rather than the Louvre, which suits me fine because it's been many years since my last visit. It doesn't take long to get there by taxi and once there, we spend a few happy hours wandering around and amusing ourselves by making up stories about the people in the paintings.
"That woman there for example," I remark quietly to C, "is clearly the mistress of the painter, don't you think?""Could be!" replies C, walking up to look at the title of the painting, "But it's called 'Soeur de la femme de l'artiste', so I'm not sure about that theory GB!"
"No it all makes perfect sense," I reply triumphantly, "that's why she looks so up-tight :-). She's fed up being made to sit still so that he can paint her, in spite of the fact that she's been having morning sickness because she's carrying his child, and she can't even confide her troubles to her sister because her sister's married to this monster!"
Later in the afternoon, we're walking back to the hotel and as we’re crossing one of the main roads when I remember something about the seedier side of Paris that a friend told me a few months ago.
"Apparently there's a place just up the road here which is the kind of place that we met in," I remark casually, "I've never been, but a friend recommended it to me in case I needed it!"
"Really GB, what's it called? Can we go :-)?" asks C enthusiastically, "It'd be interesting to check out all the Parisian guys, hehe :-)".
"Um, well, I think it's called Sun City," I answer, feeling a little surprised by C's suggestion. I always think of those places as places that one goes cruising, so not the kind of thing that one does when one's already managed to find the company of a nice guy! "I guess we could go at some point if we've got nothing else to do."
I've booked a good restaurant for dinner but we've got a couple of spare hours beforehand, so when C again suggests that we should visit the gay spa I find it hard to come up with a better plan. In any case, I'm always curious to see what these places are like on the inside, so before too long we're on our way towards Sun City.
Once inside, the décor turns out to be Indian in style, a kind of a gay version of the Kama Sutra! In one sense it's quite well done, but in another sense it seems a bit tacky because it feels so un-Parisian.We wander around together for a while to get a feel for the layout, but eventually we decide it would be nice to sit in the Jacuzzi together. It's very full, with perhaps ten guys already in the water, but C's keen so we leave our towels on the rail outside and walk naked down the steps and into the water. The water's nice and warm, and we each manage to find a bit of space to sit not too far from each other before looking around to see what's going on.
On one side there are a couple of guys who clearly know each other, because they're chatting to each other, and close to them another couple of guys aren't talking but none the less seem to be getting to know each other in other ways. However, apart from myself and C, the rest of the guys all seem to be on their own. I lie back for a couple of minutes to relax, but the next time I look up, I notice that someone has taken a distinct interest in C. One of the two guys that had been getting to know each other seems to have decided that C's a tastier proposition, and C's naturally enjoying the attention.
While C's is engaged with this guy, I find myself wondering what the etiquette is for this situation. Should I now try extra-hard to find a new friend for myself? Given that no one seems to be available, is it acceptable to watch what C gets up to?? And afterwards, should I ask C whether he enjoyed himself, or should I pretend that it didn't happen??? While pondering these questions, a few guys leave the Jacuzzi, which allows a few others to tie up their towels outside and take their place. I realise that the full-frontal sight of hot guys walking naked into the water makes sitting in the Jacuzzi quite a horny experience :-).
Perhaps C senses my mild discomfort with what's going on with his new friend because something happens and soon the other guy moves off in search of new conquests. It feels right to take the newly vacant position next to C, and no sooner than I've moved to occupy it I feel C's hand checking me out under the water :-). Although it's an obvious thought, I start wondering how clean the water in the Jacuzzi is and suddenly it seems like time to leave!
The contrast between the ambiance of the Jacuzzi and the ambiance of the smart restaurant that I'd booked is quite striking. We have a good meal together, and afterwards back in the hotel, we spend a lovely night in bed with each other.
We get on with each other very well, and the next couple of days pass far too quickly. At the end of the weekend we both head to the Gare du Nord, me to take the Eurostar, and C to catch the RER train to the airport.
"It's been a great weekend mate," I say to him, hugging him tightly.
"Yes GB, it certainly has. I've enjoyed it so much!"
When we separate from the hug to look at each other, I see that he's got slightly watery eyes. I too feel unhappy that we now have to go our separate ways. But that's exactly what's got to happen so reluctantly we part company. For almost a minute we're waving at each other as we're walking in different directions, but eventually we lose sight of each other.
A little while later, while on the Eurostar, I get a txt msg from C:
Wish you a good trip back home. Take very good care. Its very hard to say good bye
Who knows if or when we'll meet again. Each of our lives are based in big cities in very different parts of the world. However, even if we never meet again, one thing's for sure. We'll always have wonderful memories of the few happy says that we spent with each other in Paris.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Email from a guy in his first gay relationship
A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:
Dear GB,
I have been reading your blog for half a year and seen your useful advices to so many readers, so I am writing in hoping you can show me your wisdom on the situation I am in.
I grew up in a traditional Asian family and currently in my early 20s while studying in college. I have remained closeted and seldom went to the gay club scene in my country (Asia) as I still had issues with my sexuality. I took a huge step last year to come out to my parents followed by my close friends (they are really receptive that's why I decide to move on with my gay life).
Last year I moved to US for one year study exchange and decided to be more open about my gay life since I am in a totally new environment. A few months ago I met a guy online who was living in the city nearby, after a few online chats and phone calls he visited me and we slept on the first night we met - the first gay sex for me (I didn't plan to give up my first time so easily but well... I wasn't that strong after all).
After his visit we still kept in contact. I wasn't planning to go into a relationship with him as I am ultimately going back Asia and I know it will be worse if I mix both my first gay sex and first gay relationship together (with the same person). But the guy was pretty persistent and after several visits to his place I found I actually like him as well, so I gave in to start dating him.
At the beginning of the relationship I stated that I am going back Asia after a few months and tried to play tough that I didn't really care about this relationship (the guy is 30 and much more experienced than me, I didn't want to act like innocent inexperienced brats and ended up getting hurt). But after a while I found I really care about him as no matter what this is my first relationship. I find myself jealous when I hear he would go to some gay resorts after I leave US (even though it might not mean he will have sex, I still feel uncomfortable) ... The point is this is my first relationship I don't know when I am going to move on from it when I go back Asia (when will the second one come?) while knowing he will eventually move on with his life after an unknown period of time.
Guess my biggest mistakes is to have my first gay sex and gay relationship with the same person while knowing it's definitely going to end (not a smooth beginning of my gay life isn't it?) After talking honestly to each other, we realize we really enjoy each others' company and I decided to continue this relationship instead of forcefully ending it now. Ultimately relationship is something I need to learn alone the way and I am glad I am learning with this nice guy. But I don't know if I can manage to pull out after it ends instead of getting extremely hurt. So here are my questions:
Regards
It's impressive that this reader has already come out to his parents, because most Asian guys that I know have a problem with doing that. For most of them, the story is usually that they love and care for their parents a great deal, with the result that they can't come out as gay to their parents because they don't want to disappoint them. Anyway, I felt it was important to answer this reader's first question immediately, so I sent him a reply in which I said the following:
I definitely do think you made the right decision to continue with this relationship. If you stop to analyse who you're going to love and who you're not going to love, it takes all the romance out of life. Worse than that, it sets you up to be the type of guy for whom no one is good enough because everyone has their flaws. So I'd say take all the opportunities you can for love, relationships, friendships, however short a time they might last for. Without doubt, life is much more fulfilling that way :-).
Regarding the reader's second question, I can't help wondering whether he's familiar with any Buddhist philosophy. I learned a bit more about it when I was in Thailand last January, and indeed, one of the quotations that I photographed while I was there sums up the answer to this question perfectly:
Regarding the reader's final question, presumably he worried about whether one should be allowed to have sex with other guys when one is in a relationship. If he was ultra-traditional then he might think that one should only have sex when one is in a relationship, in which case the only person that one has sex with is one's boyfriend. However he was worried that it might have been a mistake to mix his first gay sex with his first gay relationship, so clearly he thinks that when one doesn't have a boyfriend then it's OK to find other guys for sex. Indeed, that's what he did because he wasn't in a relationship with his boyfriend when he first had sex with him.
All long time readers of this blog will know that I'm not keen on monogamous relationships, although I accept that every couple needs to make up their own mind on this issue. For me, the most important thing in a gay relationship is what commitments the guys in the relationship make to each other. I drafted my thoughts on what those commitments should be over a year ago, and I still think that my list is pretty good.
However one thing that I haven't said before is that I hate had the term "open relationship". The problem with the term is that it's describing the relationship in terms of the fact that there's not a monogamous sexual commitment between people in the relationship, with the result that one focuses on the sex. As I've said before, all the positive, caring, loving commitments are so much more important, but by describing a relationship as "open" it's as though the sex is the only important issue and the other details are irrelevant.
So to answer the reader's final question, my view is that his boyfriend is correct. It's also my experience that lots of gay guys start off with traditional views about sex and monogamous relationships, but then as time goes by many guys move more in line with my way of thinking as they gain experience. Given that he's already had the extraordinary courage to come out to his Asian parents, I wouldn't be surprised if eventually this reader turns out to be just such a guy!
Do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?
Update 11-May-2009: Unfortunately I didn't have time to incorporate a recent email from the reader into the posting yesterday, but a couple of days ago he sent me the following:
Hi GB,
How are you? Guess my email will be posted on your website soon, so I think it might be helpful if I give you some updates on my side.
Past one month has been awesome experience with my bf. We love each other deeply. He told me that he has never been so close with anyone after his ex broke his heart one and half years ago.
In fact he is actually looking for job in my country. He told me that he always wanted to work in Asia for a few years and I become another reason for him to pursue that. I am quite surprised but also really happy for that. Even though chances are SLIM given the current condition in my country, I am already appreciative of his move. I will just fully enjoy the last two months with him. In the end, no matter what the outcome of this relationship will be, I hope I have healed his broken heart and restored his confidence for pursuing long term relationship in the future. That's the least I can do for this great man!
Also thanks to this relationship I have become more confident and came out to more friends. They are very receptive and really happy for me. Love gives me confidence =)
Thank you so much for your email! I hope my story can encourage those who are afraid to love to follow their hearts and treasure every minute of their lives.
ANYWAY I guess I have a new question. If he cannot come with me, how could I slowly pull myself from this when I stay alone in my country (since I have fallen in love deeply). I know my bf may easily move on as he separates sex from love and can quickly divert his grief through sex with other people. But this is just not the way I want to follow. Any suggestion?
It's not easy to answer his new question. The Buddhist ideas that I mentioned above in connection with his original email should be some help. Apart from that, the best way to move on may be to find a new romantic interest, after an appropriate period of grieving for the relationship with his current boyfriend. His recent emails shows that his current relationship has helped him grow enormously as a confident out gay man, so there should be no regrets. Indeed, given his proven capacity to love, if his current relationship comes to an end there's no doubt in my mind that he'll make a wonderful boyfriend for some lucky guy :-).
Dear GB,
I have been reading your blog for half a year and seen your useful advices to so many readers, so I am writing in hoping you can show me your wisdom on the situation I am in.
I grew up in a traditional Asian family and currently in my early 20s while studying in college. I have remained closeted and seldom went to the gay club scene in my country (Asia) as I still had issues with my sexuality. I took a huge step last year to come out to my parents followed by my close friends (they are really receptive that's why I decide to move on with my gay life).
Last year I moved to US for one year study exchange and decided to be more open about my gay life since I am in a totally new environment. A few months ago I met a guy online who was living in the city nearby, after a few online chats and phone calls he visited me and we slept on the first night we met - the first gay sex for me (I didn't plan to give up my first time so easily but well... I wasn't that strong after all).
After his visit we still kept in contact. I wasn't planning to go into a relationship with him as I am ultimately going back Asia and I know it will be worse if I mix both my first gay sex and first gay relationship together (with the same person). But the guy was pretty persistent and after several visits to his place I found I actually like him as well, so I gave in to start dating him.
At the beginning of the relationship I stated that I am going back Asia after a few months and tried to play tough that I didn't really care about this relationship (the guy is 30 and much more experienced than me, I didn't want to act like innocent inexperienced brats and ended up getting hurt). But after a while I found I really care about him as no matter what this is my first relationship. I find myself jealous when I hear he would go to some gay resorts after I leave US (even though it might not mean he will have sex, I still feel uncomfortable) ... The point is this is my first relationship I don't know when I am going to move on from it when I go back Asia (when will the second one come?) while knowing he will eventually move on with his life after an unknown period of time.
Guess my biggest mistakes is to have my first gay sex and gay relationship with the same person while knowing it's definitely going to end (not a smooth beginning of my gay life isn't it?) After talking honestly to each other, we realize we really enjoy each others' company and I decided to continue this relationship instead of forcefully ending it now. Ultimately relationship is something I need to learn alone the way and I am glad I am learning with this nice guy. But I don't know if I can manage to pull out after it ends instead of getting extremely hurt. So here are my questions:
- Even though I have decided to continue, GB please give me your honest opinion did I make the right decision?
- If I continue how can I manage myself to enjoy his company while not to fall too deeply in this relationship and couldn't get out after a few months.
- I am still quite conservative and traditional about sex, but this guy's opinion about sex is as follows:
"I know u are traditional but I don't think sex is such a bad thing! I think your perception of this will change over time...of course a relationship is ideal, and promiscuity is bad, but sometimes relationships are not available."
Is he right? If you are not in a relationship and have sexual desire do you really have to sleep with people to resolve that? Guess it's my mistake to mix my first gay sex with my gay relationship otherwise I can take your fb + fb theory more easily.
Regards
It's impressive that this reader has already come out to his parents, because most Asian guys that I know have a problem with doing that. For most of them, the story is usually that they love and care for their parents a great deal, with the result that they can't come out as gay to their parents because they don't want to disappoint them. Anyway, I felt it was important to answer this reader's first question immediately, so I sent him a reply in which I said the following:
I definitely do think you made the right decision to continue with this relationship. If you stop to analyse who you're going to love and who you're not going to love, it takes all the romance out of life. Worse than that, it sets you up to be the type of guy for whom no one is good enough because everyone has their flaws. So I'd say take all the opportunities you can for love, relationships, friendships, however short a time they might last for. Without doubt, life is much more fulfilling that way :-).
Regarding the reader's second question, I can't help wondering whether he's familiar with any Buddhist philosophy. I learned a bit more about it when I was in Thailand last January, and indeed, one of the quotations that I photographed while I was there sums up the answer to this question perfectly:Today is better than two tomorrows.One has to let go of the past because it's happened and one can't change it. If one doesn't let go, one carries the past around like baggage and it has a detrimental effect on one's life in the present. Regarding the future, it's important to realise that nothing is permanent. For example, barring almost inconceivable advances in medical science, everyone reading this post in 2009 which is when I'm writing it will be dead by the year 2200. So looking at the big picture, none of our relationships are permanent. The future is less important than the present because it hasn't happened yet, and indeed, anything could happen tomorrow which could change our future permanently. We all have to learn to live with the transitory nature of our existence and the best way of doing that is stay focused in the present. So be happy for what you have NOW. The past and the future can take care of themselves.
Regarding the reader's final question, presumably he worried about whether one should be allowed to have sex with other guys when one is in a relationship. If he was ultra-traditional then he might think that one should only have sex when one is in a relationship, in which case the only person that one has sex with is one's boyfriend. However he was worried that it might have been a mistake to mix his first gay sex with his first gay relationship, so clearly he thinks that when one doesn't have a boyfriend then it's OK to find other guys for sex. Indeed, that's what he did because he wasn't in a relationship with his boyfriend when he first had sex with him.
All long time readers of this blog will know that I'm not keen on monogamous relationships, although I accept that every couple needs to make up their own mind on this issue. For me, the most important thing in a gay relationship is what commitments the guys in the relationship make to each other. I drafted my thoughts on what those commitments should be over a year ago, and I still think that my list is pretty good.
However one thing that I haven't said before is that I hate had the term "open relationship". The problem with the term is that it's describing the relationship in terms of the fact that there's not a monogamous sexual commitment between people in the relationship, with the result that one focuses on the sex. As I've said before, all the positive, caring, loving commitments are so much more important, but by describing a relationship as "open" it's as though the sex is the only important issue and the other details are irrelevant.
So to answer the reader's final question, my view is that his boyfriend is correct. It's also my experience that lots of gay guys start off with traditional views about sex and monogamous relationships, but then as time goes by many guys move more in line with my way of thinking as they gain experience. Given that he's already had the extraordinary courage to come out to his Asian parents, I wouldn't be surprised if eventually this reader turns out to be just such a guy!
Do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?
Update 11-May-2009: Unfortunately I didn't have time to incorporate a recent email from the reader into the posting yesterday, but a couple of days ago he sent me the following:
Hi GB,
How are you? Guess my email will be posted on your website soon, so I think it might be helpful if I give you some updates on my side.
Past one month has been awesome experience with my bf. We love each other deeply. He told me that he has never been so close with anyone after his ex broke his heart one and half years ago.
In fact he is actually looking for job in my country. He told me that he always wanted to work in Asia for a few years and I become another reason for him to pursue that. I am quite surprised but also really happy for that. Even though chances are SLIM given the current condition in my country, I am already appreciative of his move. I will just fully enjoy the last two months with him. In the end, no matter what the outcome of this relationship will be, I hope I have healed his broken heart and restored his confidence for pursuing long term relationship in the future. That's the least I can do for this great man!
Also thanks to this relationship I have become more confident and came out to more friends. They are very receptive and really happy for me. Love gives me confidence =)
Thank you so much for your email! I hope my story can encourage those who are afraid to love to follow their hearts and treasure every minute of their lives.
ANYWAY I guess I have a new question. If he cannot come with me, how could I slowly pull myself from this when I stay alone in my country (since I have fallen in love deeply). I know my bf may easily move on as he separates sex from love and can quickly divert his grief through sex with other people. But this is just not the way I want to follow. Any suggestion?
It's not easy to answer his new question. The Buddhist ideas that I mentioned above in connection with his original email should be some help. Apart from that, the best way to move on may be to find a new romantic interest, after an appropriate period of grieving for the relationship with his current boyfriend. His recent emails shows that his current relationship has helped him grow enormously as a confident out gay man, so there should be no regrets. Indeed, given his proven capacity to love, if his current relationship comes to an end there's no doubt in my mind that he'll make a wonderful boyfriend for some lucky guy :-).
Saturday, May 9, 2009
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