Email from a gay guy who wants a relationship

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a gay male in New Zealand, in my mid 20's, working in stockbroking. I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and have now read all the entries. Your blog is really interesting, especially the career/banking posts.

I'm writing because I have not had a relationship. I have been out since I was 16, though I have only had a few gay friends until I moved to Auckland last year where I have made more friends. I find it tough though, as I am in a place where I would like to have a steady relationship as I am tired of (and don't really like) Internet hook-ups. When I go out with my friends who are all in couples, I find I don't have the confidence to try to pick up guys and my friends notice that too. I have met nice guys, but none on the same wavelength - ambitious, likes fun but also takes life seriously.

My friends tell me that I am attractive, but I just don't seem to have a lot of luck. I intend to work in the UK next year. Could it be that NZ is a small pond and I just need to go to a larger pond...?

I replied immediately in disbelief. There are now 420+ posts in this blog, so I'm amazed if anyone has the staying power to read even 10% of them! Anyway, I obviously have to try and give such a devoted reader the best advice I can.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot recently, and one thing that keeps coming to mind is an old South Park episode. In that episode, Satan is having trouble deciding between two boyfriends, a wimpy guy called Chris, and Saddam Hussein. Towards the end, God tells Satan that he should dump them both and try to learn to appreciate himself before he tries to find a relationship!

Although this reader's problem is that he doesn't have even one boyfriend, the advice about appreciating oneself first is an important message. It's a variation on the well known saying "Love yourself before others can love you", which is also valid here. If he focuses on this, the reader will find that his confidence will grow, and eventually he will be able to pick up guys face to face. I know there's one person who agrees with me about the effect of confidence, namely Monty, because he said so in one of his postings last month.

It's worth noting that some guys can't find a relationship because they're too selective. The fact is that there's no such thing as the perfect boyfriend. If one finds a nice guy it's always possible to decide that although he's nice, he's not quite right, so that it's best to wait for "Mr Right". But one can wait forever. I think it's much better to try and develop serious relationships, and then if a relationship doesn't work out, the experience one has gained will help develop confidence and be invaluable when the next prospective relationship presents itself.

In connection with the reader's suggestion that New Zealand isn't a big enough 'pond', I'm a bit dubious. I keep telling my boyfriend number 2 that he should try and find a full-time boyfriend, but he's convinced that it's not possible because the 'pond' in the city where he lives is too big! He says that all the guys are always looking for something better or something new, so "it's not a city to find love". The way he describes it, all the guys he's attracted to seem to have the problem that I described in the previous paragraph. They're all waiting for the perfect boyfriend, and because the 'pond' is big there's always another potential boyfriend just around the corner.

Whenever I do a 'Dear GB' posting for gay guys who want to meet other gay guys, and there have been a couple before this one (1, 2), it's become de-rigueur for the guy asking my advice to say that they don't like meeting guys via the Internet. And the etiquette at my end is to disagree! I myself have had a lot of success meeting guys over the Internet, including all the guys I call boyfriends apart from boyfriend number 1. So my experience is that even if one's cruising online and looking for fun, one can find guys that are suitable boyfriends. But on top of that there are also web sites for gay guys which are more focused on friendships and relationships rather than cruising. I don't know if there are any such web sites in New Zealand, however when the reader gets to the UK I know there's outeverywhere.com which is how one of my old university friends found his boyfriend.

So in my opinion, learning to appreciate oneself and building confidence are the most important things to focus on. Try and meet new guys, networking through friends or via the Internet, but don't be too selective.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this?