Manipulative love or business friendship

A couple of weeks ago I received the following email from a guy on the other side of the pond:

Dear GB;

I need a little friendly advice. I'm a 62 year old gay community activist and organizer living in a large American city. In my city there is one gay village. I have this dream of creating another and it is slowing coming together one gay and lesbian at a time over the past few years.

A few years ago, purely by accident I met a younger guy C in the community. C had just turned 40, and he said he would help me realize my dream. He has lots of talents. By day he works for a travel agency, travelling around the globe writing gay travel articles and developing new travel adventures for clients. By night he is a well known local queer DJ. We share the same music, community involvement and the same qualities in life.

We clicked, not in a sexual way more as business friends at first. C is in a relationship with a guy 15 years younger than him, but it's not much of a relationship. His boyfriend hangs around with a flock of fag hags and rounders. He never comes to our gay community events with C and I rarely see them together. All my friends notice it.

C has been flirting with me over the past four years and I like it. Although he recently said he is doing it unknowingly. I have had lots of great relationships over the years some lasting ten years or more. My last one ended just about time time I met C.

I made C our organization's media spokesperson shortly after I met him. That has worked out well and our new queer village is getting the recognition it deserves.

While all this is going on, he and I have been going out to community events, gay and straight, occasional dinners, pub nights alone. I also sometimes keep him company when he is being a DJ at some local bar. I've built some web sites for him (I am a web editor) and I didn’t charge him anything either.

Mid July this year I realized that I find him quite endearing and that I love him. I suppose an agape-phileo love, since there has been no eros. In July he had asked me to redo one of his websites. I took a long time doing it, about 72 hours. Then he asked for even more changes. I said I would be happy to do it, if he loved me, in an email.

His response was: “I want you to know that I like you as a friend, enjoy our times together and enjoy working with you. Like you, I am a difficult person to get to know, but I think I am good natured and respectful of others overall, like yourself. I want to keep our friendship the way it is without complications. I enjoy the laughs, the community involvement, we have created, the fun times and the bad times…This is what friendship is all about.”

I have to say, I took it badly and threw the baby out with the bath water (fired him). We had no contact for three weeks. In the meantime he carried on as if nothing had happened. He was still promoting the community and came to our community events. He said he would talk to me, just not about the day I fired him.

He has started to flirt again in his emails and asked me out to a local community event this month and said we are still friends. I push it, let him back in the organization, mainly because I need him. I am sure he knows this. This past weekend he and his boyfriend went on a trip together, but we are supposed to connect for a mild chat this week.

A close friend of mine said, I should lay my cards on the table in a face to face meeting. Tell him that working closely with him, going out with him, him flirting with me in recent years has had an effect on me, and it was only natural to fall in love. Tell him because of it I was looking for a closer friendship, maybe not an intense relationship, just a special moment, a hug, a kiss, a shag once in a while.

Another friend said "C has been using you to advance his career and as doormat. Throwing you little tidbits, a little flirt here a little flirt there and going to events once in awhile to keep you happy. Probably does it with everyone."

"Tell him you're backing off, no more going out together, no more flirting in emails, don’t attend his DJ nights when he is alone and no boyfriend around. No more doing special favours for him like making websites. If he misses your companionship he will let you know."

"Continue the business friendship angle, but keep a low profile and only ask for his help when you need it most. See what develops, but don’t wait around forever, you're not getting any younger!"

As usual, I replied immediately when I received the email. When the reply arrived it suggested the title "manipulative love or business friendship" that I've ended up using, and so for the first time ever I'm using the title that the guy who wrote the 'Dear GB' email has suggested.

Unfortunately I think I have to agree with the thoughts of his friend at the end of the email. It strikes me that C is the kind of guy that is constantly striving to be regarded as special amongst his peers. He needs to be thought of as successful and important. His boyfriend is significantly younger than him, perhaps a "trophy" boyfriend? Being seen to play an important part in the local gay community also enhances his reputation.

If C thinks a younger guy is good for his image, he's likely to think the opposite about a relationship with an older guy. Alternatively, if C simply prefers younger guys in bed, he's also not likely to want a more intimate relationship with an older guy. Either way, it means that the relationship between C and the guy who sent me the email isn't going anywhere.

So I think the guy who sent me the email needs to avoid C as much as possible. He needs to try and avoid C for his own sanity, because I reckon his affection is highly unlikely to be reciprocated. But if he can use C selfishly to him help achieve his aims, I guess that's OK, but like his friend said, "... only ask for his help when you need it most".

Does anyone else have any other thoughts?