Email from a guy who's confused by gay culture

A few days ago, I received an email from a reader wondering whether he's gay or not. The email was as follows:

Dear GB

Sorry to bother you with another familiar situation but I need help and so here goes...

I'm 33 y/o and though straight, always knew a part of me was gay but refrained from acting on it since life seemed so much less complicated that way. But with life passing by, thought I would explore the other side - but to no avail! Tried one of the gay websites but all the talk of tops and bottoms and versatiles (and other undecipherable stuff) puts me off. I don't think I like anal intercourse (turns me off) though I like body contact and the rest. I'm confused now - am I gay or not?

Thought I could first just try out lighter stuff, but gay culture seems so intimidating - am afraid I would be laughed off if I suggested it. Besides, never been able to make contact with anyone in the first place. Am quite ok looking (slim and take care of myself) and find it surprising when I read your blog and see so much going on. Can you suggest something where I can meet someone for just some light fun? I'm based in central London and am not out (as yet) so putting an ad on gaydar is not an option. Looking forward to hearing from you

Regards

I imagine it took quite a bit of courage for the reader to send me that email, so I'm not at all sorry that he's "bothered me" as he puts it!

I don't think I've ever said this before so I'll say it now. In my opinion, being gay has nothing to do with what kind of sex a guy may (or may not) like with other guys. Instead, it's got everything to do with what gender a guy feels like sharing his life with, who he wants to cuddle up to in bed on cold winter's nights, and who he wants to wake up with in the morning. When I was finally able to be brutally honest with myself, which took many years, I didn't suddenly realise that I was gay because I wanted to put my tackle into another man's rectum! It was the idea of close permanent companionship with another guy that I wanted. Coupled with that, I also thought that the idea of naked body contact with other guys was appealing, and I felt that mutual masturbation might be good fun too :-).

It's clear to me that a guy who thinks like I did, and wants to do those kind of things with another guy, is probably gay. Such a guy may never have much in common with the kind of gay guys that live their lives soaking up the highly sex-oriented gay "culture" that the reader finds so intimidating, but that wouldn't mean that the guy isn't gay!

To answer the reader's question, since he's based in central London I think one of the best things he could do would be to visit London Friend. In fact I've recommended London Friend before, but I have no hesitation in recommending it again. In particular they run a discussion group called Turning Point, which describes itself as being for "... men of all ages, backgrounds & origins who are gay/ bisexual or feel they may be". Judging from the reader's email, I think that description fits him perfectly. He may be gay or he may not be, but London Friend will help him work that out. Additionally, because there'll be other guys there who are just as curious about light fun as the reader is, it would be surprising if he wasn't able to find a guy there to play with :-).

I also don't think that the guy should give up with online cruising web sites such as gaydar. Although he's worried about creating a profile because he's not out as a gay guy, there's no requirement to have a picture on one's profile. In terms of success in finding another guy for fun though, pictures do help, even pictures which don't show one's face. Presumably none of the reader's friends or colleagues would be able to identify him from a picture of his body, even in the unlikely circumstances that they found his profile. In fact gaydar allows users to mark their profiles as 'Private' which means that the profile is excluded from all searches. The only way to find a 'Private' profile is to know the profile name, although if the guy goes into the chat rooms his profile name will be visible and in those circumstances other guys will be able to click on his profile name and bring up his profile.

It's true of course that a lot of guys on gaydar talk the language of tops and bottoms which the guy has no interest in. However I have seen guys publically advertising in gaydar chat rooms for other guys to visit for wank sessions, circle jerks and so on, so there's no doubt that light fun is available via that route. However, I can understand his reluctance to ask for that because so much of the chat on the open channel in the chat rooms is top/bottom oriented. None the less, as a concrete example the guy who I met after the lengthy courtship only wanted light fun, and it was via gaydar that we got in contact with each other. When it finally happened, very enjoyable light fun it was too :-).

Hopefully the reader will be able to find a guy to help him explore his curiosity via either London Friend or gaydar. But do any other readers have any other ideas for him? Although I don't usually do this, on this occasion I am prepared to forward to this guy email offers from other London based readers to participate in light fun, should anyone be so inclined?